ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: THE LAMEST STORY EVER TOLD

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NEW YORK, NY/HOLLYWOOD, CA -That’s right, today’s column is coming from both coasts as movie producers everywhere are scrambling to get their version of this memorable Mets season on the big screen first. Some are positioning it as a horror flick while others are gunning for slapstick comedy, of course the folks at Merchant Ivory are thinking costume drama. Whatever direction the studios decide to go, the first and most important thing will be securing the right actors. As everyone knows, poor casting has killed many a good movie. With that in mind, we’re here to offer our two cents on who should be cast in the key roles. Let’s get to it.

• Omar Minaya: Luis Guzman. Let’s face it, we need someone to play a clueless Latino here, and Guzman can do it in his sleep… coincidentally the same way Omar does his job. No need to screen test anyone else. There are many more tough decisions to make.

• Jerry Manuel: Snoop Dogg. He’s a little young for the part, but Snoop did such a great job as Huggy Bear in the Starsky and Hutch movie and isn’t Huggy Bear the closest thing we have to Jerry Manuel? Also, Snoop will be a natural delivering Jerry’s patented “no question” retort to his favorite queries: “Tough loss tonight Jerry?” and “Does this injury hurt the club Jerry?”

• Jose Reyes: Robert Downey Jr. Don’t laugh, the guy played Charlie Chaplin fer crissakes! And this part calls for a gifted physical comedian. Downey’s the kind of actor who absolutely throws himself into a role with abandon, so look for all of Jose’s dance moves, brain farts, and other amusing ticks.

• Gary Sheffield: Laurence Fishburne. A veteran thesp who can definitely do the smoldering anger routine.

• David Wright: Michael Cera. This one’s a reach, but we’re going with the youngster who made his mark on Arrested Development and in “Juno.” He has both the innocence and that deer in the headlights look that you unfortunately need to play Wright. Cera as a reluctant leader? Oh yeah.

• Carlos Delgado: Abe Vigoda. It’s spooky how similar these two are.

• Carlos Beltran: Kevin Costner. “Dolores, get me CAA on the phone. I need an actor who can play some baseball. He’s gotta be boring though. Oh, and it would help if he had a mole. Wait! Forget it Dolores, I’ll just call Costner.”

• Tony Bernazard: Martin Lawrence. The only person bats**t crazy enough to carry off this role.

• Luis Castillo: Gary Coleman. I’m tellin’ ya, he can do this! He’s got a baseball film under his belt. I’m sure you’re all familiar with The Kid from Left Field? Coleman botching that pop-up against the Yankees will have people in tears. Plus, like Castillo, the kid is due for a comeback.

• Jeff Francoeur and Ryan Church: Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson. Sure, why not.

• Johan Santana: Javier Bardem. Just want to keep our options open for this character. At some point in the movie we may want Bardem to reprise his No Country for Old Men role and start taking out his teammates in methodical fashion.

• Ollie Perez: Tim Robbins. He won’t have to alter his ridiculous delivery from Bull Durham one iota. Same control problems, same five-cent head.

• Francisco Rodriguez: Joaquin Phoenix. Let’s just write the mountain man beard into the script. It will make K-Rod all that much more of a loose cannon.

• Fred Wilpon: Jerry Stiller. We need to pump some life into flat-line Freddy and everyone’s favorite insane television father is just the tonic.

• Jeff Wilpon: Ben Stiller. Absolutely. His scenes with Luis Guzman will be hilarious.

• Tall Matt: Samuel L. Jackson. Will drop all the “F-bombs” Tall Matt always wanted to but wasn’t allowed.

• Short Matt: Patrick Stewart. Best known for his roles as Captain Jean-Luc Picard on Star Trek and that dude in the X-Men films, Stewart may not seem like an ideal fit here at first glance. But worry not, his classic Shakespearean training will serve him well playing the tragicomic bulls**t-throwing SNY wannabe.

OK, there are plenty of more parts to be cast, but I’m gonna resist the urge to suggest that Kathy Griffin play Yankee Joe. (Hmm, guess I didn’t.) Anyway, fire away with other possibilities. Woody Allen as strength and conditioning coach? Will Ferrell as Mike Pelfrey? Have at it.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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