KANGAROOS COULD FIX YOUR TEAM

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BYRON BAY, AUSTRALIA – When the news of the preposterous yet history-making loss by the New York Metropolitans – the snake bitten baseball club in Flushing , NY – finally reached us here in sun-soaked beachcomber haven Byron Bay, we couldn’t help but laugh out loud… Repeatedly. An unassisted triple play. Come on, now. Really. Enough is enough. That’s just silly. It doesn’t happen. It certainly doesn’t happen to a major league team that has had EVERY BAD BREAK ranging from unlucky to farcical over this yet-to-be-completed season. That only happens in the movies or on Bugs Bunny. And that’s when it finally dawned on us – the Mets are a gosh dang cartoon.

They’ve got the cartoon names – Omar & Ollie, Jerry & Frankie, Wags & Sheff – to go with their cartoon lineup and their carton play. It’s been there all along and we refused to accept it. Admit it, Met fans, you’ve all been guilty of the following kind of statement until… Oh, say… LAST WEEK:

    “Hey Mad Dog, they are still only 9 games out of the Wild Card. If they can get Reyes back and Beltran can suck it up, there’s still time. Mike sucks without you… Baba Boohey!”

Anyway, our epiphany most likely came about because we are now so distant from this calamity/tragic comedy, in a land that’s both mystical and cartoon like, mixing with characters like Crocodile Dundee and creatures like the platypus – which Robin Williams claimed proves God takes – that Jon Niese could finally see his nose despite his face… Or something like that.

All is not lost, however. We do have a solution; one formed after 2-3 Toohey’s New Ales. Here goes:

  • Import a couple of boxing kangaroos from down here; they really do exist. We’ve been scouting and the included videos prove it.
  • Next, have them ready to box the daylights of a player that is mailing it in – Ollie Perez would be a great example. As Ollie gets a new ball after allowing his SECOND THREE RUN HOMER IN THE FIRST INNING, cartoon mate Jerry makes a call… but NOT to the bullpen. No. He makes a call to out MTM patented Roo Pen.
  • That call prompts two kangaroos to start warming up; start sparring. As soon as Ollie throws ball three to Pedro (who thankfully still stinks), Jerry calls time and sends a now-scared-spitless Ollie to the Roo Pen. After his embarrassing and fan-jeered walk to said pen, he gets pummeled by the cuddly, cute, fan-favorite Aussie Import – Kaptain Kangaroo! It’s genius. It’s fool-proof, too. Further, we know it will KEEP FANS COMING TO GAMES. In fact, fans from all teams in all sports will soon be demanding a Roo Pen and hoping their guy/girl screws up – just to see her/him get a good ear boxing, courtesy of Bambi’s cousin.

  • Of course, Men At Work will have to play over the sound system to drown out the pummeling. Or maybe it’s Tina Turner,“We don’t need another hero…

    Angry Ward tomorrow…

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