ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: COUNTDOWN TO AGONY

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BRISTOL, CT

Chris Berman: Nobody on the road. Nobody on the beach. I feel it in the air, the summer’s out of reach. Which can only mean one thing, it’s time for football! Hello everyone and welcome to NFL Countdown. I’m your host Chris Berman. For the next two excruciating hours I’ll be joined by Tom Jackson, Cris Carter, Stuart Scott, Keyshawn Johnson, and coach Mike Ditka as we bring you right up to the 2009 NFL Kickoff. Tommy, are you excited?”
Tom Jackson: “Very excited Boom.”
Berman: “How about you Cris? Any big predictions for the upcoming season?”
Cris Carter: “How am I not in the Hall of Fame yet? Ridiculous.”
Berman: “OK, um, were gonna swing it on over the Chris Mortensen with some late injury updates. Mort, whaddaya got?”
Chris Mortensen: “Boomer I gotta tell you that I think that most of these injuries will heal themselves if these players just put a little more faith into Jesus Christ.”
Berman: “Thanks Mort, we’ll check back with you momentarily.”
Carter: “Jesus hasn’t gotten me into the Hall yet!”
Stuart Scott: “Boo-Ya!”
Berman: “Matt Cassel of the Chiefs should see a lot of blitzes from the Ravens today. To explain the types of defensive packages they might encounter let’s swing it over to Keyshawn and Coach Ditka on our studio practice field. Guys?”
Mike Ditka: “Christ, my knees are killing me! Can I please sit down?”
Keyshawn Johnson: “Just give me the damn ball, coach! I’ll do this segment by myself.”
Berman: “Wait a minute, we have late breaking news on Shawne ‘Eat, Drink, and Be’ Merriman’s alleged assault on Tia Tequila. Let’s bring Mort back in.”
Mort: “Boomer, I have it on good authority that Tia Tequila is not a practicing Christian, which pretty much makes her a whore in my book.”
Scott: “Boo-Ya!”
Berman: “Tommy, you’ve met Shawne Merriman. Anything to add to this?”
TJ: “He’s an exciting player Boom.”
Ditka: “I’m starving over here. Someone get me a kielbasa or something!”
Carter: “That and 130 career touchdowns still won’t get you into the Hall of Fame. Ridiculous.”
Berman: “All righty gang, let’s check in with special correspondent Emmitt Smith who has an update on Michael Crabtree’s holdout and the status of negotiations with the 49ers. Emmitt?”
Emmitt Smith: “Thanks Carl. As we all know, signing your first contract is a rice of passage for every NFL player. But right now things have gotten downright ranktankerous between Michael Crabtree and San Francisco. Crabtree feels that the Niners are trying to make him the escape goat in this whole mess. He thinks the whole thing has been blowed out of distortion. While his agent tries to get a deal done, Crabtree has been working out and staying sharp as a whistle. Back to you guys.”
Berman: “Thanks Emmitt. Great job. Tommy what do you think?”
Jackson: “Crabtree is an exciting player Boom. I’m excited to see him play.”
Keyshawn: “He stinks! I’m still a better player than he can ever be. I’m better than all y’all.”
Scott: “Boo-Ya!”
Berman: “All right, we’re now going to join Suzy Kolber who’s at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa for the Cowboys/Bucs game. Hi Suzy.”

Suzy Kolber: “Hi Chris. I’m here with Dallas owner Jerry Jones. Jerry, are you at all upset that you aren’t opening the season in your new state-of-the-art stadium?”
Jerry Jones: “No ma’am. Ahm fine with things the way they are. Say little filly, would you like a private tour of our new facilities? I wouldn’t mind getting cozy with you on the 50-yard-line and broadcastin’ the whole thing on our Texas-sized video board. Howzat sound? Don’t forget, I come from oil and if there’s one thing I know it’s drilling, if you catch my drift.”
Kolber: “That’s it, I quit.”
Berman: “Uh, anyone?”
Ditka: “What’s with her hair? It looks like a luge helmet?”
Berman: “On that note, let’s get to our Super Bowl picks. As usual, because I lack original thought, I’m going to go with San Francisco and Buffalo. Tommy, how about you?”
Jackson: “Boom, I think you are going to see two very good and very exciting teams in the Super Bowl. Whoever plays the best football in January should be there.”
Berman: “Cris Carter?”
Carter: “I’m not predicting anything for anyone anymore until I am in the Hall of Fame. Ridiculous.”
Berman: “Coach?”
Ditka: “Where’s McMahon!!! We’ve got practice goddammit!”
Berman: “Keyshawn?”
Keyshawn: “All I know is that any team that really wants to win the Super Bowl better pick up the phone and give me a call.
Berman: “Stuart?”
Scott: “Boo-Ya!”
Berman: “Suzy, are you still there?”
Kolber: “Yes. And stop undressing me with your eyes!”
Berman: “Uh, um, Mort, do you have a Super Bowl pick?”
Mort: “God really loves Kurt Warner, so I’m going to go with the Cardinals.”
Berman: “Finally, Emmit Smith, who you got?”
Emmitt: “You cannot change the stripes of a leopard Carl. I’m gonna go with the Cowboys. Their defense does a good job of carousing running backs and I just can’t see them getting debacled by any other team in the league.”
Berman: “There you have it folks, two hours of your life you’re never going to see again. Be sure to tune in each and every Sunday from 11 to 1 for lots more of the expert analysis you’ve come to expect from us here at the Worldwide Leader in Sports.”
Scott: “Boo-Ya!”

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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