CIVIL WAR IN NYC: ONE MAN'S TORMENT

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by Yankees SuckAs [edited] by the MTM Censors

NEW YORK, NY – What is best in life? Conan the Barbarian summed it up perfectly:

“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.”

But what happens when your two biggest enemies are fighting each other and you’re to weak, injured, and inept to do anything about it? Do you remain neutral? If not, do you pick your oldest foe who you don‘t pay much attention to, or your newest with whom your share a mutual white hot hatred?

I’ve wrestled with this question since the end of the NLCS. I was pretty sure that the Yankees would beat the Angels despite my wishes to the contrary. That way I could have a team to root for in the series without any conflicts of interest. Alas, the 2009 season has crossed the Rubicon from being not just a nightmare, but a full fledged night-terror. I’m now forced to make a decision that I would not under any other circumstances.

I hate the Phillies like I’ve never hated a team before. I hate them slightly more than I hated the Braves or those [flocks] on the other side of town. My hatred for the Phillies is more on par with Knicks fans hate for Pat Riley, the Muslim world for Salman Rushdie, or the Irish for the English.

The Phillies have gone out of their way to create bad blood with the Mets. They want blood? They got it. Name a Phillie and I’ll want to see his family slaughtered and his house set on fire.

  • Utley: [blank] sucker.
  • Victorino: cheating [flock].
  • Rollins: loudmouthed [runt].
  • Werth: uglier than the [gl]ass-crack of whatever Metallica roadie he models his appearance after.
  • Hamels: whiny little [itch] who labels a team choke artists and then gets beaten by them with half their lineup starting the off-season early.
  • Matt Stairs: go to Hell.
  • Charlie Manuel: eat sh-t and die.
  • Pedro: Yes, Pedro. Pedro can go [flock] himself all the way to the tenth circle of Hell with “his long fingers.” He didn’t do a [flocking] thing for us but get injured and get paid a king’s ransom. Sure he had one good year, but where the [flock] was he when we really needed him? That goofy [flock] didn’t do a thing for us, and he has the nerve to demand a year for 5 million? GO SCREW! Then he signs with our arch-rivals and comes back and shuts us down. Not re-signing Petey was the only good thing that [flock] Minaya did this year. He’s 10 pounds of sh-t in a 5 pound bag which breaks way too easily. He’s the closest thing the Mets had to a Carl Pavano. [Flock] Pedro.
  • So, if I feel that way about the Phillies, what about the Yankees? After all my name is Yankees Suck. My hatred for the Yankees has more to do with the franchise itself and the fans than the players. The thought of the Yankees winning number 27 is cold comfort indeed. Instead of having to hear sh-t talking from the occasional Morlock from Philly, I’ll get to deal with a whole year of obnoxious fans from all demographics, be they Wall Street d-bags who do too much coke, to the loud mouth guidos known as the Bleacher Creatures. I could do without seeing A-Rod get a ring either, or another years worth of Jeter’s Ford Challenge commercials (He’s got his in Blazing Copper. What a rhymes-with-wussy).

    I could do without Mike Francesa seeing his boys win another ring before one Baconator too many causes his corpulent frame to explode like the Hindenberg. I could do without The Daily News writing yet another Jeter, Rivera, or Posada hagiography, and that’s double if they insist on calling Jeter “The Captain”. And can somebody please toss Mike Lupica out a [flocking] window already?

    Both sides can [flock] right off to Pakistan as far as I’m concerned. But baseball is big money and I doubt Bud Selig would take seriously my requests to sacrifice the AL and NL champs to the Taliban. So, I’ve picked a side. It’s a side many of you will be disappointed in me for picking… I’m backing the Yankees. Regardless of if the Yankees win or not, almost all those things I wrote above would happen anyway. The fans would still be obnoxious, the media would still be jumping at the chance to kiss their [arses] whether it be Lupica penning a column about how great the first season was in the new stadium even if it fell short of “Yankee Standards” or Filip Bondy writing another [ding]dong-gobbling article about the troglodytes in section 203. A-Rod will still be bagging Kate Hudson. If the Phillies win, it’s just more reason for that [object]-smoker Rollins to run his mouth, and that dipsh-t Victorino to celebrate like a five-year-old despite the fact that he chastises the Mets for doing it.

    If it’s a crime to want to see Philly lose more than I want to see the Yankees lose, then plead me guilty and unrepentant. If this admission forces me to change my name to something else, like Phillies Suck, then so be it. But I’ve made my choice and I’m backing it all the way.

    Rex O’Rourke tomorrow, despite his attempt at weaseling out of it because he’ll be in NEW YORK CITY this weekend. Nice try Rex, but if we all used that excuse, there wouldn’t be a site.

    Happy Halloween.

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