FLIPPING CHANNELS

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by West Coast Craig

STATIC.

CLICK!

NBC SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, 2ND QUARTER, 2:17 LEFT

AL MICHAELS
Third down and eight…pass to Manningham…tipped!…and Hakeem Nicks snatches it out of the air and takes it in for the touchdown. Chris, he looked as good as Stevie Nicks on that play.

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH
That was designed like that. They practice that play.

CLICK!

FOX AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME SIX, SECOND INNING
JOE BUCK
Morales hits a fly ball to Nick Swisher…fires to first and Guerrero is late getting back to the bag for the double play!

TIM MCCARVER
Now how does Nick Swisher get away with a haircut like that?

CLICK!

MTM TV
FADE IN:
The Manny was taped before a live stadium audience…

TORRE HOUSE. NIGHT.

Halloween decorations all over the place. Manny pours a bag of assorted mini-Reeses, Snickers, etc. into a bowl, when all of a sudden his head is yanked back by his dreads and a long knife goes across his throat. The candy goes flying as the bowl drops to the floor and smashes into pieces.

MANNY
Yaaaargh!

However, his head is still in place, and Andrea drops to the floor behind him, dressed in a ninja costume. She’s laughing hysterically.

MANNY
Dios mio! You scared the bejeezus out of me! Now I’ve got to clean up this mess.

He goes over to a broom closet and opens it up. Joe Torre is standing there, his head split open with an axe and blood dripping down his face.

MANNY
Yaaaaaargh!

Now it’s Torre’s turn to laugh. Manny clutches his chest and falls backwards.

Joe Torre and his axe-head escort Andrea the ninja out the door.

JOE TORRE
Off to do the rounds, Manny. You stay here and hand out candy to the kids. No more than two a bag, okay? We’ll be back around nine, but the trick or treaters will probably be done by then so it shouldn’t be a late night for you.

MANNY
(from floor)
You got it, Mr. Joe!

They leave.

CLICK!

NBC SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, 3RD QUARTER, 7:40 LEFT
AL MICHAELS
…and that’s free safety Antrel Rolle in at quarterback, even the Cardinals are trying the wild cat!

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH
They say defensive backs are receivers who can’t catch…now we know they can’t throw either.

CLICK!

FOX AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME SIX, BOTTOM THIRD

JOE BUCK
…and Posada drives one deep to right…but just short of the wall and Abreu makes the catch.

TIM MCCARVER
Throughout his career, Bobby Abreu has always been afraid of walls. And heights. And snakes. If there were snakes up on that wall and he was way up in the air, I don’t think he’d have caught that.

CLICK!

MTM TV
TORRE HOUSE. LATER.

Manny sits in the dark watching Halloween on tv. Michael Myers chases a screaming Jamie Lee Curtis. Just then the doorbell rings and Manny leaps up, freaked. He looks through the peephole.

CUTE SUPERHEROES AND GHOULS
Trick or treat!

MANNY
Oh my, aren’t we scary! Here ya go!

He doles out two candies a bag. The kids say “thank you” and go.

MANNY
Hmm. I think that’s about it. I’m out of this game…better go take a shower.

He exits up the stairs. Outside the front door, a sexy WOMAN in a skimpy Catwoman outfit comes trotting up and rings the bell.

CATWOMAN
Trick or Treat, Manny!

Nothing. No answer, so she rings again. Still nothing. The woman checks her watch.

CATWOMAN
Humph. No treat for you tonight.

She walks off. Soon after, a group of TEENS come up to the door and ring the bell.

TEENS
Trick or treat!

Still no answer. The kids all look at each other and grin evilly.

CUT TO:
Joe Torre and Andrea come back up the street.

ANDREA
That was a good haul tonight, Dad!

Joe, however, stops short and stares straight ahead. Andrea follows his look and her jaw drops.

The Torre house has been completely T.P.’d. The jack o’lanterns are smashed. There are dripping eggs and soap all over the windows.

INSIDE.

Joe storms in.

JOE TORRE
Manny!

Manny comes down the stairs, wrapped in a towel, still dripping wet.

MANNY
Hi, Mr. Joe. Just taking a shower.

JOE TORRE
That’s it! No more showers!

CLICK!
NBC SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, 4TH QUARTER 3:52 LEFT

AL MICHAELS
…Ahmad Bradshaw off tackle, gets the first down…and fumbles!

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH
Bradshaw held the ball like Terry Bradshaw sings.

CLICK!
FOX AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME SIX, TOP EIGHTH

JOE BUCK
…Rivera gets Bobby Abreu to ground out to Cano, and that’ll bring up Vlad Guererro again.

TIM MCCARVER
The Yankees played alongside Abreu the last few years, so they know all about his fear of snakes. During batting practice Jeter went up and gave Bobby a can of peanut brittle…but when he opened it, out sprung novelty snakes! I don’t think Abreu has gotten over it.

CLICK!

MTM TV
A nice living room, with a bunch of ladies and a PREGNANT WOMAN opening up presents.

PREGNANT WOMAN
It’s a Baby Bjorn! Thanks Manny!

The ladies all gush as Manny smiles and nods. A pissed Joe Torre enters.

JOE TORRE
Manny! I said no showers!

CLICK!

NBC SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, 4TH QUARTER, 1:15 LEFT

AL MICHAELS
…Giants looking to send this into overtime, Manning drops back to pass, throws to Steve Smith…and it’s picked off by Antrel Rolle!

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH
They should give this kid Rolle a chance to play quarterback sometime.

CLICK!

FOX AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME SIX, BOTTOM EIGHTH

JOE BUCK
…Cabrera gets down the bunt…and Kazmir throws it away! Cano scores!

TIM MCCARVER
If we look at the Fidelity Pitch Tracker on that throw to first…huh, it says it was a strike.

CLICK!

MTM TV
INT. TORRE KITCHEN

ANDREA
Dad, have you seen Manny?

JOE TORRE
No I haven’t…wait, what’s that?

ANDREA
It’s another newspaper story about Frank and Jamie McCourt’s divorce.

JOE TORRE
Did Manny see this? I know where he is.

CUT TO: UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.

Manny is in the shower, sitting in the stream and crying great heaving sobs.

JOE TORRE
Manny? I thought I said no showers.

MANNY
It’s the only place I can cry! Why would Frank and Jamie break up? What does that mean for the team?

JOE TORRE
It’s not going to mean anything, Manny, we’ll go back about our business same as always.

MANNY
But it won’t be the same. It’d be like…like…if Linda McCartney was locked out of Wings!

JOE TORRE
Manny, Linda McCartney was a nice person, but Wings would’ve been fine without her.

MANNY
Really?

JOE TORRE
Really. And if it makes you feel better, you can take showers again.

MANNY
(wiping eyes)
No, you know…I don’t think I need to anymore. Thanks Mr. Joe!

Manny comes out of the shower and give Joe Torre a big, wet hug. Joe Torre finds it very awkward.

CLICK!

FOX AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME SIX, TOP OF THE NINTH.

JOE BUCK
Srike three to Gary Matthews Jr. and the Yankees are going to face the Philadelphia Phillies in the World Series!

CLICK!

MTM TV

STATIC

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About the Author ()

West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.

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