ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: ‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMATTS REDUX

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NEW YORK CITY – OK gang, this being my final holiday post of the season, I thought I’d revisit last year’s bastardized version of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas with an updated (as we have so many new names here this year) and even more half-assed effort. Hope you like it. If not, I hope you really hate it. Any strong response will do.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMATTS
‘Twas the night before ChristMatts, and no one was antsy
They had all finished supper, except jgclancy.
The comments were typed on the blog willy-nilly
In hopes of a response from buffalobilly.

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When out in Manhattan there arose such a clatter
Short Matt rose from his sofa to see what was the matter.
Away to the window his hobble dramatic
Tore open the shutters and cursed the Phanatic.

The moon on the crust of dirty week-old snow
Added some drama to the action below.
When, what to his bloodshot eyes should appear
But the Ghosts of the Posts that we read here this year.

First was The Manny, his dreadlocks unruly
Torturing Joe Torre while delighting yours truly.
Next were Cookie’s gossip items, too many to count
With the dirt on ballplayers from A-Rod to Yount.

Grote’s Gripes then appeared, and no one was bored
And they promptly joined forces with the Anger of Ward.
Then Rex O’Rourke’s ramblings and wagers all sat
Right next to the comments of one Different Matt.

sexychristmas1.jpgAnd faster they came than our own Nascar pixie
I’m speaking, of course, of Missy-Jill Dixie.
Texas-sized posts from the good Dr. Diz
Crowded the street like the cast of Les Mis.

There were images from Brooklyn and as far as Australia
And the magical spectre of Kate Hudson’s genitalia.
Boris de Pfeffel waved the flag for the UK
While ladylike linda kept the naughty at bay.

Opinions flew in from Finns, Sam, and Walt
And prose from Philview & Craig, that no one could fault
As the spirited crew grew into a mob
The New York police summoned Officer Bob.

But there was no turning back, like Mets signing Ollie
They hadn’t assembled to deck halls with holly.
The group moved as one to deliver their word
They raised up their voices so they all could be heard.

Then the ghosts of posts past told their bald-headed ruler
“If your writers made money there would be nothing cooler.”
Then Short Matt exclaimed as he chugged a Bud Light
“They’re not getting paid, so get outta my sight!”

Just kidding Matts. Here’s wishing everyone here a Happy Holiday Season and a terrific 2010!

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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