FORT WORTH, TEXAS – (15th happiest state in the nation). In a survey of over 1.3 million people across the country by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ranking the 50 states and Washington D.C. on how happy the residents are, ranked New York last – at 51st. Connecticut 50th and New Jersey 47th.
Why are these states so unhappy? Connecticut and New Jersey are the top two states in per capita income and the New York metro area also ranks considerably higher than the national average in measures of economic well-being. And, as the locals so often point out to the rest of the nation in “fly over†territory, New Yorkers and the metropolitan region enjoy haute cuisine, extensive museums, a vibrant arts scene, world class shopping, the beaches of Long Island/Jersey, the quaint charms of New England and a host of other amenities that should make life there just grand. So what’s the beef?
Well, as any reader of MeetTheMatts.com can tell you, it’s their sports teams and the fans that follow them. To prove this out, I’ve used statistical analysis to determine what is causing the woe in metro New York, with the percent of woefulness caused by each franchise noted.
The Yankees; 50%: In and of themselves, they’ve probably caused as much heartache across this great land as Sherman in Georgia, lousy crop prices, foreclosing notices from cold-hearted bankers, and Nancy Pelosi and high-fat foods. But the distress caused by the Yankees is especially intense in New York itself.
On one hand, anti-Yankee NYers endure perpetual angst over NY Bomber fans with their obnoxious behavior, holier-than-thou attitudes, placation of Midas-type spending and general nausea inducing behavior. On the flip side, Yankee fans themselves are amongst the most perpetually unhappy human beings in the world. Spoiled like Vanderbilt children, Yankee fans are not satisfied unless they win a Series every single year. Even when they do win, like this year, the average Yankee fan enjoys the victory only via the taunting of their opponents. Inside, they are already worried about next year, gnashing their teeth in anticipation of the upcoming campaign and how they will stay on top. Pressure, pressure, pressure. Off-season conversations, if you can call them that, are reduced to ranting “27 rings†or some such drivel, drowning out all joy, spirit and normal human interaction. At least it keeps New York’s extensive cadre of therapists employed.
The Mets; 20%: They try. Lord knows, they try. But with leadership better suited to running a Chuck e’ Cheese franchise, and the aforementioned Yankee fans harping on them every chance they get, poor Metsie fans troop through life like a fat boy at the prom. They get to see the festivities, but not dance with the good looking chicks. Bummer.
The Jets; 10%: For some unknown, weirdly masochistic reason, the Jet’s and Met’s share a lot of fans. Maybe they should sell leather gear in their concession stands, because rooting for these guys is painful, painful, painful. Not good for the happiness quotient, unless your version of happy includes a night with the angry mother-in-law.
The Giants; 10%: Yeah, the won a couple of Super Bowl’s, including one recently. And their female fans have great tramp stamps. But Giant fans suffer from the same delusions as Yankee fans…they think they should win every Super Bowl, every year, year in and year out. And they’re friggin’ miserable wretches to talk to, be around, text, or communicate with in any other way when the Giants don’t measure up to snuff. This behavior seems to be driven by their hyper-competitive investment banker, lawyer, ad executive, and other “captains of capitalism†fan base, who are all trying to keep up with the (Jerry) Jones and Trumps. Envy and stress ain’t good for ya.
The Rangers; 4%: Ever since the strike, hockey has been relegated to minor league status. This makes their fans sad. No one else notices, just like no one noticed when the sport went on strike.
The Knicks; 5%: Just the mere thought of Isiah Thomas is still enough to cause Knick fans to instantly upchuck, even though he has now been mercifully banished from the franchise. Knick fans can often seem to be suffering from the onset of dementia, as they will ramble on about long ago ghosts Willis Reed, Earl the Pearl, Walt Frazierâ€, usually with a bit of spittle and drool running down their chins.
Nets/DevilsIslanders: 1% Worse than the Rangers in the “we don’t care†category. Trying to find a real fan of any of these franchises is like trying to find a country western line dance joint in the Bronx… it may be there, but you’ll sure have to look around a bit.
So there it is. Incidentally, the state with the happiest people is??? Louisiana. Which makes sense; the Saints are happy just to be in the playoffs, LSU is a power in college football, hoops and baseball every year, they have great hunting and fishing, awesome food, their bars stay open 24 hours, and they off loaded all their riffraff over to Houston after Katrina hit. Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.
Angry Ward, tomorrow.
