NEW YORK, NY – At long last the holidays are over and we can focus our energies on more important things like drinking all of our gifts and slashing the tires on that car across the street whose alarm goes off every time a roach farts. Then, before you know it, we’ll be on to the glorious month of February, a month so dreary and depressing that they took pity on humanity by only making it 28 days long. But before we get to all of that fun, it’s high time we went through the refrigerator and cleaned out the holiday leftovers. The following is a list of what we found and who/what in sports it reminded us of:
Rancid Thanksgiving Turkey: The New York Football Giants. The Big Blue Blecching Crew has been stinking out the joint since their Turkey Day trip to Denver. Their odor got so bad these last two weeks that even folks in Jersey were remarking: “What smells?”
Fruitcake: Jim Caldwell, head coach Indianapolis Colts. Yes, we realize that playing your starters when your home-field status has been cemented risks injuries (see Wes Welker), but you have to be as nutty as this most horrible of all cakes to throw away a perfect season. Even if the Colts go on to win the Super Bowl, they’ll always think back on what might have been.
Stale, Half-empty Beer: Omar Minaya. As savvy Mets fans decline to renew their season tickets in droves, Omar answers the call by signing Jason Bay. He’s a nice player but he’ll make little difference on a club that has question marks galore and is still stuck with the likes of Ollie Perez and Luis Castillo. Oh yeah, and Jerry Manuel. To borrow from Shaefer Beer’s ad:
- “Omar, is the one GM to have when you’re an agent or another GM!”
Moldy Stuffing: The New York Jets. Like leftover stuffing, you can almost convince yourself that the Jets just might be good. They may even beat the Bengals again this weekend. But I’d take a closer look before you swallow any more. Gang Green ain’t as fresh as rotund Uncle Rex (not you O’Rourke) would lead you to believe.
The Last Slice of Apple Pie: The so-called BCS Championship Game. Yeah, sure, Alabama vs. Texas could turn out to be a great game but playing it almost a full week after New Year’s Day is a joke. I mean, how good is that last slice of pie when all of the ice cream is long gone? It was one thing when they moved the big game from the 1st to the 2nd but, c’mon guys, at least play the damn thing by Monday the 4th!
Overcooked Christmas Goose: Jim Zorn, the Buffalo Bills coaching staff, Mike Leach, and every other coach who’s time has long since been up. If only Brad Childress would someday appear on this list. But, no, the Vikings rewarded him with an extension. He’s like the seconding coming of Denny Green. His team wins despite what an idiot he is. Leaving Favre and Peterson in long after the game against the Giants had been decided was yet another example of his genius.
Sour Egg Nog: Every person that hates the New York Yankees. Of course yours truly is included in this group, and we all still have a sour taste in our mouths after the Bombers won the World Series this year. We can gripe and moan all we want about the financial chasm between the Yanks and everyone else but, bottom line, they won. So, hold your nose and drink up.
A Handgun in the Vegetable Crisper: Gilbert Arenas. Where else is Agent Zero gonna keep his gat now that the NBA won’t let him keep it in his locker? Besides, the vegetable drawer also happens to be Homer Simpson’s favorite hiding place for his gun.
Assorted Legs, Breasts, and Thighs: Tiger Woods. C’mon who else would you expect here? You know you’ve been a naughty boy when the New York Post prints a 12-month calendar featuring a different babe you cheated on your wife with for each month. Did anyone catch this in Monday’s paper? Classic.
Two Slabs of Fatty Ham: Carlin & Mike Francesa. Funny how the Mets and Yanks both have a big round face with a giant mouth to trumpet the exploits of their respective clubs. Carlin is on the SNY payroll but Francesa (apparently) does his shilling for free. In any event, if the FCC can’t ban these two from television can’t we at least get them on “The Biggest Loser?”
OK, that should do it for the fridge. I’d better get to work on cleaning that oven as I may need a place to put my head after the Super Bowl is over. See ya next week.
Assorted Legs, Breasts, and Thighs
Filed in: Angry Ward