WHO WILL WIN IN TWENTY TIN???

January 2, 2010 The Matts The Matts 34

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Moose Jaw “Bravest” earning the name.

MOOSE JAW, CANADA – We’re up here, in the land of Moose Javians (look it up) and moose – not meese or mooses – preparing for the latest big NHL news and news of Robbie Alomar’s Hall Of Fame fate.

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Jacques Demers, current Sénateur after being appointed in August, becomes the Prime Minister of Canada and closes all Canadian borders until the NHL brings hockey back to Quebec and Winnipeg. Seems Jacques misread Canada’s By-Laws – basically because he’s illiterate – literally. Click this to READ up on this irony-soaked story.

jet-logo.jpgMark Sanchez convinces Rex Ryan to go on Nutri-System. The always-overdoing it Ryan goes bonkers, using HGH and Steroids and quits as coach to pursue a career in body-building. Sanchez goes on to win League MVP two weeks before Flexy Rexy is nailed in a prostitution scandal.

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The NY Islanders move to Moose Jaw. In an extreme counter-measure to the dopey decision to force-feed The Coolest Game On Earth upon warm-weather towns (and to placate Demers), the NHL ships the Nashville Predators to Kamloops, Saskatchewan to keep the newly-relocated Isles company. The teams are renamed, the Icelanders and Loopers, respectively. Steve Somers sues the NHL for trademark infringement.

  • The Washington Wizards go retro after their locker-room morphed into the O.K. Corral, renaming themselves the Washington Bullets. Javaris “Clanton” Crittenton and Gilbert “Wyatt Earp” Arenas.

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  • The Philadelphia Eagles lose in the Super Bowl to Peyton Manning and the Colts. Donovan McNabb throws up in the 4th quarter after eating some tainted Chunky Soup that the Philly Phanatic meant for Manning to eat.
  • Brandon Marshall and Terrell Owens become Oakland Raiders. The Raiders also announce that Al Davis is frozen, and has been for 6 years but for the odd press conference.
  • Chris Drury wins a contract extension from Glen “Drunken Sailor” Sather after getting ONE ASSIST for Team USA at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Dreary Drury’s assist came when he helped an old lady cross the street on her way to the Curling matches.

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  • Tiger Woods announces that he is a Born Again Fundamentalist, causing more grief for groups that don’t allow his kind of Woods in their neck of the woods.
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    Finally, the rain stops falling on the NY Mets as they become the Alex Rodriguezes of 2010, making big plays and winning under pressure – culminating in a World Series triumph behind the MVP pitching of Kelvim Escobar, nephew of Pablo Escobar. Jason Bay hits 46 homers in 2010 – 29 at CitiField – to propel the Mets to the Series.

    Happy New Year. Rex O’Rourke tomorrow.

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