ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: GET READY FOR YOUR CLOSE-UP

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Joba Chamberlain’s Mom Busted For Drugs
TMZ.com

HOLLYWOOD, CA – A message to all you sports superstars out there, in case you haven’t heard, the bloodsuckers that run the website and TV show TMZ are now covering sports. While they have yet to get their actual site up and running, make no mistake, all of you athletes out there will soon be getting chased by Harvey Levin’s growing zombie paparazzi army. And, as much as I despise outlets like TMZ, I have to say that you guys had this coming.

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When it comes to media scrutiny, pro athletes had it too good for too long. Though we are certainly a long way removed from the absolute wall of silence from news reporters during Babe Ruth’s hooker and hot dog binges, for the most part, the media has still been pretty good about not prying into the private lives of sports figures. This despite the fact that for years pro athletes have been referring to their respective sports as businesses and themselves as being entertainers. In fact, I wish I had a nickel for every athlete that ever uttered “it’s just business” while in the middle of a contract holdout or said “I’m an entertainer” to explain why he was making the big bucks.

Now, while something like the Tiger Woods I’ll *Frog Everything That Moves Tour certainly sent tongues wagging and news cycles spinning, the TMZ idea was on the table before Tiger’s Tale ever broke. And why wouldn’t it be? The stuff that does get revealed about sports heroes makes for far more entertaining copy than your average movie star or celebutard. Think about it. You’ve got things like rape, pulling guns on teammates, fathering multiple children with multiple women and that’s just the NBA! Add in things like A-Rod running around with Madonna, Chris Henry getting killed falling out of the back of his fiancee’s truck, and hockey players tooling around shirtless in the back of limos with women of questionable levels of attractiveness, and it’s just too damn salacious to ignore.

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Again, I’m no fan of Harvey Levin and his smarmy room full o’ sycophants, but athletes (just about all of them) brought this upon themselves. Ladies and Gents, your free pass is over. You wanted to be treated like movie folk (did you people really need an awards show?), so consider that wish granted.

Pay attention to what just happened to Tiger because that could just as easily be you. Welcome to the new celebrity: you’re it! And it’s gonna get ugly… Steve Phillips Intern Ugly (â„¢Grote2DMax).

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If you’re doing drugs, it won’t be a secret much longer. Cheating on your wife? Prepare to be exposed. A closeted homosexual? You’re coming out like it or not. God knows where this is all going to lead, but the dated notion of looking to sports stars as role models will at long last go the way of the DoDo Bird. And that’s probably not such a bad thing.

Anyway , though yours truly won’t be following TMZsports.com as well as the myriad of other outlets that will be covering this stuff, I’m sure there will be millions of folks who will find stories such as:

  • LOHAN GIVES BIRTH TO DIRK NOWITZKI’S HIDEOUS LOVE CHILD
  • JOBA CHAMBERLAIN CAUGHT INJECTING DONKEY HORMONES
  • BROOKLYN DECKER BANGS BALD BASEBALL BLOGGER
  • Pure magic. Oh well, that’s showbiz kids.

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    Joba Chamberlain denies Donkey Hormone use.
    -TMZ.com

    *Originally in as “F**k” – but MTM Censors are extremely uptight.

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    Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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