VANCOUVER, CANADA – A fortnight into the Olympics I’ve decided to follow up my original guide to the XXI Winter Games with some random observations of events that have transpired since.

The International Olympic Committee is evil. Not only did they show little regard for human life with the lack of protection on the insanely fast luge track, but poor Boner from Growing Pains got so depressed visiting Vancouver he Chek-offed himself. Way to go IOC! In fact, thanks to the IOC there were no Gold Medal winners at the 2010 Olympics. This years “Gold” medals contain only six grams of gold plating or roughly 7% of the medal’s metal. The remaining 93% is made of silver. Talk about bait and switch.

What is wrong with the National Broadcasting Company? First they kick Conan O’Brien out as host of The Tonight Show after only half a year, then they decide to subject us to countless hours of Curling on CNBC. They also failed to show many timely events live, instead showing them on tape delay during prime time. What is this the 60’s? Even Time Warp Tony was getting the Alpine Skiing results from Sports Phone long before the events aired. The final insult happened last Sunday when the most exciting event of the Olympics so far, the US-Canada hockey game, was relegated to MSNBC while Ice Dancing was shown on parent NBC stations. Mr. Blackwell would have a field day at that event.

    Offensive On So Many Levels

Enough with Lindsey Vonn. I know she was supposed to be the face of the Olympics but she is not even America’s best skier at these games. I don’t care that she is in the SI Swimsuit Issue or that she has a bad shin or that the poor baby broke her pinky. She has been a dud, gold medal victory or not. When the media gets a storyline they hound it to death whether it plays out to be true or not. Over the years I’ve heard how great a QB Michael Vick was, how Michele Wie was the greatest female golfer ever and that Danica Patrick was a top notch race car driver. I wish the media would just let reality dictate who deserves to be showered with accolades based on performance. I predict Lindsey will be taking her top off in GoDaddy commercials before the year is through.

Does anybody else feel a sudden urge to punch Jeremy Roenick in the face every time he opens his mouth? I wish Mike Milbury would take off his shoe and beat him senseless already.

Watching women’s hockey, even the gold medal game, is like watching mediocre pee-wee hockey. I appreciate the effort put forth but the quality of play isn’t very good. Inevitably the team that loses the championship game has multiple members who are left crying uncontrollably. That stuff should be saved for Yankee fans.

So there was a bit of a slap fight between Gold and Silver medal winners in Men’s Figure Skating after a controversial judge’s decision. That is about as surprising as a Killer Whale actually killing its trainer. What do these people think Killer Whales do? It’s part of the mammal’s name for Christ’s sake. Supposedly this whale, named Tilikum, killed two other people in separate incidents back in the nineties, making him a serial killer whale.

Seafood at SeaWorld

Here’s hoping for a Canada-US Gold Medal rematch on Sunday. I was at the 2002 Salt Lake Gold Medal game where Canada was victorious and would like to see a different result this time around. In the end this will be the best showing medal wise for the United States in Winter Olympics history. To that I say well done.

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  • All Blacks Rule

    Your common sense comes across as funny because these people are so amazingly silly. Nice job, Mate. And remember not to feed the animals.

  • kim-yu-na-meetthematts.jpg

    And to this column, we say well done. Simply superb, Grote2DMax. Although, you have ticked off the MTM Edit Staff because your jumps were flawless, your toes were exceptionally angled and there was no dirty air to be cleaned up. In other words, the Edit Staff trudged through 15 inches of snow to find they had nothing to do! Your world record score of 210.03 overall will be near-impossible to beat but Short Matt and Rex O’Rourke are still to follow before the close of these Games… Dare we say though, that you are clearly the Kim Yu-Na of MTM’s Olympic Coverage – which has been exceptional.

    MTM Edit Staff in Vancouver

  • Enola Gay

    Two days in a row with references to nips had my website radar focused in on this site. I’ll bring my friends back to drop another post on this site.
    Great work guys.

  • RobertoGonzo

    Seafood at Sea World is an instant classic. The whale story is great. Next they’ll be bringing it up on charges. When it doesn’t cooperate, they’ll kill the ‘killer’.

  • boomer

    You chide the IOC for showing little regard for human life and then invoke the death of the Seaworld trainer as the punchline of your skating spat bit. What the…??

  • Boomer makes a point… He does… A little bit…

  • Grote2Dmax

    Sorry Boomer the luger was not purposely feeding and riding the back of a dangerous mammal whose instincts are to kill. When you make your living playing with deadly creatures in captivity you deserve to be the punchline of jokes. These people obviously have no regard for their own lives so why should anyone else.

  • Grote2Dmax

    I always can count on Cookie to get my back. Thanks Babe.

  • boomer

    Point taken. Call it was a stray moment of sympathy – it won’t happen again. Must be the hangover.
    Cookie, I’m touched by your concern.

  • Dude

    i agree those that live by the whale die by the whale…

    the ioc really needs to lighten up… why are they admonishing the canadian team for celebrating with cigars and beer? they won the gold medal, they are supposed to celebrate you idiots!

    if the us beats canada again in hockey there will be a lot more canadians checking- ov

  • jgclancy

    As the self appointed MtM ethics judge ( did that just now thanks to a quick call to get Brian Boitano’s blessing) I deem that while the ” Chek-offed himself ” line was a 9.87 on the creativity scale it gets a 3.4 on the decency scale. A little too soon for that one is the consensus of the other two judges: Jack and Daniel.
    The “serial killer whale” gets a 9.74 for creativity and a 9.90 on the decency scale since I concur and have always felt its kind of stupid not to expect the whales to kill people.
    Overall, the judges were impressed with the column as a whole and give it
    the possibilty of getting the gold for the week since AngryWard apparently broke a pinky as well on Wardesday and ( for once) fell short in our eyes.
    Now…to brave the weather and make it to the deli across the street in the
    Snowicane for my ” I took the day off breakfast rolls”!!

  • Grote2Dmax

    Let the hosers celebrate however they like. It is their national sport. Clancy I respect your judge’s scoring.

  • jgclancy

    I just changed the jg in jgclancy to mean JudGeclancy. World B. Free would be proud of this move.
    Dude, I think that the IOC is just confused at the sight of Canadians acting like Americans 🙂 but get that IF outta there and say WHEN for the hockey game. That’s an order.

  • Dude

    definitely cookie… i think it applies to all animals that should not be domesticated (which would be all of them except dogs)

    clancy… i roger that, i just don’t want to be the kiss of death so i will make no further statements on this matter until sunday evening… but i suggest they install netting along the lions gate bridge immediately

  • Dr. Diz

    Milbury fight was a classic…the scene from Slapshot (screenplay which was written by a minor league hockey wife, by the way) was based on that and a couple of other times players of that era went into the stands.

    The Hartford Whalers used to isse a 45 (the record kind) with their fight song on one side, and a recording of the longest professional hockey fight every on the other, which involved the Whale and some other WHL tem. Now that’s marketing.

    I think they use the ice dancers as din-din for Tilikum and his buds. If nothing else, it’ll please the original Australians. Maybe throw in the curlers for dessert, since they would represent a high fat item on the menu.

  • Dr. Diz

    just another reason to be glad when they are over…..

  • jgclancy

    JudGeclancy accepts the Dude’s argument and no fine will be imposed.
    Said judge does decree and demand that Dude must watch the USA-Finland game and, if necessary, celebrate like a Canadien female hockey player if and when the US wins.
    Appeals to the sentence by any concerned parties will be heard but they better be both funny and tasteful….sort of.

  • Dude

    dude accepts the judge’s decree… will be tuning in at 3pm on NBC (imagine that!) and will have beer and cohiba ready

  • jgclancy

    P.S–The judge gives an all around 9.67 for Dr. Diz’s curlers being” high fat item” on the Sea World menu…nice. Although they could also just be considered “beer battered” and intended for the appetizer selection

  • Dude

    all for feeding the ice dancers to the orca…

  • Grote2Dmax

    Beer battered indeed – though I’m with the Dude I’ll be beer battered for the U.S. hockey game at 3 today. I miss the days of Hartford having a pro hockey team – I went to see some Bruin playoff victories there.

  • buffalobilly84

    Hey, you guys get some snow down there??? Should we send down some reinforcement? I recommend staying home and drinking beer. Maybe get some wings… Great lines, Grote. Funny article – all true too.

  • West Coast Craig

    Grote, hilarious…after the Alexander McQueen joke two weeks ago, I dub you the “King of Too Soon” my friend!

  • jgclancy

    I’m going to blend up some banana strawberry drinks with just a wee bit of rum tossed in for good luck. Just about to mix up some fresh guacamole so it’s chilled for game time.
    I think the ice dancers would make the orcas sick and want to throw up. Just like everyone else.

  • Dude

    set free the killer whales

    bring back the whalers

    clancy if your eating guacamole i recommend tequila in your fruity drink, and maybe make it with lime… just sayin’

    feed the ice dancers to the bears if the whales wont have them

  • Angry Ward

    “King of Too Soon” is brilliant. Grote could make a stellar stand-up career out of that WCC. Grote, I didn’t think it got much better than Larry King’s inappropriate ramblings but this one takes the cake. Serial Killer Whale is brilliant. Someone from the Onion is stealing it as we speak. If they try that whale for murder he’ll fry for sure. Deep fry.

    I’d like to add that I think the NY Post showed remarkable restraint in reporting Andrew “Boner” Koenig’s death. There were just so many options.

  • jgclancy

    I love tequila and it would be a better choice but it’s one of those liquors I just don’t keep in the house for obvious reasons. No oranges in my beer and no limes with my tequila…..I’ve gotta be me.

    On a different note… there any way we can get Bob Costas to go down to San Diego for a one on one interview with Tilikum the Killer Whale.
    Is Tilikum a shortening of hi whole name–unTIL I Kill ‘UM ?

  • Grote2Dmax

    I will take the King of Too Soon title as an honor thanks. I just don’t have any good ideas lined up until the night I write this stuff and look to the news. Luckily for me the last few Thursday’s news items have been interesting. AW a giant fish fry of this serial killer whale could feed a lot of hungry people, maybe help out the Haitians.

  • jgclancy

    And in this corner–weighing a few pounds less than after the hockey game—we have the King of Too Soon. And in the other corner—any person foolish enough to do anything stupid and sort of new worthy to catch our attention on a Thursday….
    I now have to find out if the woman at Sea world gets a Darwin Award?I

    My new judgeship lets me judge just about anything btw

  • Sams A Fan

    I’m still cracking up from the mention of Sports Phone, and yes, “Serial Killer Whale” tops all!

  • jgclancy

    Sam…there were so many angles on this one I overlooked that line. FANtastic!

    I should just award the MtM gold to Grote now but I won’t……Rex may somehow write the column of his life on Sunday followed up with an Academy Award acceptance speech that would easily top Sally Field’s.

  • Angry Ward

    Yeah, that sports phone line was fantastic. What was it? 976-1313 I think. I defy someone to dial the number now and see what it is. While you’re there how about hitting dial-a-joke for old times’ sake as well.

  • jgclancy

    And cats taste good too…..
    The Sea World gal had no children and I’m thinking she will get her Darwin Award:

    Game is on….to the blender!!

  • Junior Blaber

    Milbury better be glad he doesn’t work for ESPN. The world needs more brash honest guys. He is trying to be the American Cherry.

  • Sams A Fan

    976-1313 appears to be dial the weather, at least in the 212 area code.

    I hope for Grote’s girl friend’s sake that he doesn’t actually live up to the moniker “King of the Too Soon” cause that would just be too sad and we’d have to hound him off this site and send him to that site hosted by Yankee Joe. I think it’s called “”

    As for cats, I’m thinking about Chris Rock’s line about the tiger who attacked Siegfried and/or Roy, he said “…the tiger didn’t go crazy, the tiger went tiger!”

  • Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

    Superb news! Your latest ‘Governor’ of your bastardized version of York, has now withdrawn from running in your Empire State’s next election. Well done, slobs!

  • Rex O Rourke

    Chick hockey just like chick lacrosse, SUCKS. They can’t hit and have no ability to one time a puck. Appallingly slow and a complete waste of time.

  • jgclancy

    Actually, herr baron lordie ma’am von vin pferrerneusse is right for once.
    He should have added the adjective ” unelected” but English has never been a strong point.

    I have toalso toss the WNBA in there Rex.

  • Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

    Clancy, your kind have always been amusing to mine… You tinkers should be commended for your plucky spirit, despite your obvious disadvantages. Do carry on, fool!

  • jgclancy

    Thank you for proving my point ….and it’s jgclancy 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Ed Kranemule

    The best line Grote had was Milbury taking off his shoe beating the piss out of Roenick. The video is great,albiet grainy. Did anyone else notice that the announcer was the Big”Whiskey” Bill chadwick? Also, How fast did O’reilly hurdle the glass? He looked like a young Renaldo “Skeets ” Nehemiah. AW – I just hit up dial a joke and got insulted by Joey Adams. Only in NY kids!

  • Ed Kranemule! It’s good to see you alive, here and KICKING it old school! We’ve missed you!
    For those of you recording the USA/Finland game, we won 6-1.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Sam luckily I got married before the “too soon” moniker was bestowed upon me. Kranemule I like The Big Whiskey in lieu of the Big Whistle. Don’t mess with the big bad Bruins of yore. As they used to say on sportsphone: stay with us.

  • Ed Kranemule

    Matts- I had no choice. Mrs Kranemule blocked all my porn sites, and this is my punishment. P.S. For those of you recording the Canada/ Slovakia game. Canada lost 4-2

  • Angry Ward

    Bwahahaha! Love this Kranemule character.

    Cookie, just for you, I thought the post article hed should have read: Stiff Boner Found in Vancouver. (For the record I didn’t feel good about writing that. As penance I will now sing the theme song to “Growing Pains.”

    Show me that smile again.
    Don’t waste another minute on your crying.
    We’re nowhere near the end….

    Hmm, on second thought, this seems depressing as well.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Kranemule I missed the Canada score. That must’ve been on sportsphone’s sister line 976-2525.

  • Ed Kranemule

    Good job remembering the sister line. That one was for all of us gambing junkies, I called the psychic hotline. Not surprised to hear about Boner. Hes gone soft on me for the last couple of years.

  • jgclancy

    Aw–I’m sure Kirk Cameron is praying for you. No need to sing. Was it one of the B. J. Thomas versions or that acapella version from the last season?

  • jgclancy

    P.S.–For your sanity do go to …unless you wanna hear that song repeated for eternity…

  • Angry Ward

    Cookie, no closing ceremonies until Gold Medal Hockey and other events are settled Sunday. Must say that these events, while always flawed, have had some decent drama. You’re right about all the comments here today. SNY needs to wake up and smell the boner.

  • Yankee Joe

    I’m right here ladies… Dont you worry. Just busy going over Johnny Damons replacements numbers… Yep. Curtis will be Grander son!

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