HIDE YOUR WOMEN, CRO-MART IS COMING

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“Did the rabbit die?!”

NEW YORK, NY – The recent NFL free agent and trading period brought a former Pro Bowl cornerback with a made-for-the-tabloids personal life to the New York Jets. But this signing hasn’t struck nearly as much fear in AFC East wideouts as it has in Metropolitan Area fathers, husbands, boyfriends and brothers. Why? Simple:

Antonio Cromartie has fathered seven children with six women, living in five different states. But what’s even more startling is that there are even more Cromarties out there; Romeo has also been named in at least five paternity suits.

So, lock the doors, bolt the windows and break out the chastity belts – there is a good chance ‘Cro’ will be trying to leave the women in your life with a bigger belly – and it won’t be for wining and dining them.

Did we mention that Antonio is only 25, has a March 22nd court date pertaining to $25,000 in unpaid child support? Well, he does. But he can get some legal advice from the other new high-profile Jet, Braylon Edwards, who is on probation after assaulting LeBron James‘ buddy up in Cleveland. Cromartie got hit with the “dead-beat dad” rap after missing a Feb. 1 child-support payment, but he vowed to fix the issues before reporting to the Jets. After all, he’s a stand-up guy, as per this conference call:

“Those things are being taken care of as we speak. It’s being handled the right way. That’s the responsibility I have to take. [Hey, I gotta hop, there’s a nice piece I wanna hit.”

    antonio-cromartie-and-a-wifey-meetthematts.jpg
    Wham, bam… Thank you, Ma’am.

What do the Jets have to say about all of this? According to Rex Ryan, he has “extraordinary gifts.” Uh, we don’t know doubt that Rex, but why the Shawn Kemp can’t this kid take a cold shower or go for a run instead of ruining the lives of so many? An why the Hell are you signing a rat bastard like this?

ny-jets-cup-meetthematts.jpg

GM Mike Tannenbaum admitted it’s a crap shoot, but he felt “the risk was reasonable” after a background check. Mike, what the frogging tile are you drinking??? Cro-Mart (The Baby Store) is not in a relationship with any of the mothers and claims his off-the-field matters “won’t impact my focus on the field.” But that’s not what he said last summer, when he blamed a substandard 2008 on family issues. Mike, what flock do you guys consider a red flag? 12 kids with 11 different women doesn’t tell you something?! Here’s Tannenbaum’s answer:

“None of us are perfect and we realize there are some things we have to get resolved, but we felt like the problems were fixable.”

Fixable?! Tell the football team of fatherless kids your guy sired that the situation is fixable. But before you do, just know that Cro-Mart (The Baby Store) is not in a relationship with any of the mothers and claims his off-the-field matters “won’t impact my focus on the field.” Yet that’s not what he said last summer, when he blamed a substandard 2008 on family issues. But hey, as long as you did a background check.

We leave you, the Jet front office and the randy Antonio Cromartie with these words from the great Rudyard Kipling:

    IF you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

    If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;
    If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    ‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
    if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

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