by Tall Matt


NEW YORK, NY – I am too young to remember Robert F. Kennedy as a US Senator from New York State. Yes, he was a carpetbagger but from what I can read and learn about his time here as US Attorney General and as an inspiring candidate for the 1968 Democratic Presidential nomination, Kennedy seemed like the genuine article. Last year the Triborough Bridge was renamed for Kennedy, which caused an uproar; New Yorkers are constantly beset with change and like a few scant things to remain sacred and as is, and this change came with a $1-million-plus price tag. Now, I’m a bit cranky by nature, so I thought it was a lousy idea from the outset. The bridge is the Triborough and I will always call it such. But but does anyone call John F. Kennedy International Airport, Idlewild? Ok, my mother does but she’s old and kooky and still calls the fridge an icebox and a stereo a Victrola – probably just to get on my nerves… Anyway, the next generation WILL call the bridge the RFK and you should be okay with it. I am. I still call CitiField Shea Stadium mostly, and not out of any malice toward CitiCorp – though I have plenty. It’s just a habit, even though we’re talking a brand NEW building, which unlike said bridge, stands today as it did in 1936.

In 1899 The New York Zoological Society was founded, but today we know it as The Bronx Zoo. 80 years later the borough AND it’s baseball team vied to steal that name but the zoo held fast. Tudor City was once home to slums, tenements, and slaughterhouses and was known as Goat’s Hill, then Corcoran’s Roost. In a classic naming misapplication, the architecture in Tudor City wound up actually neo-Gothic. But it still sounds a hell of a lot better than Abattoir Heights. In another generation Hell’s Kitchen will be nothing but a name in a history book as the real estate lords will ultimately win the name battle with the gentrified – Clinton. Jeez in a hundred years, morons all over will assume the neighborhood was named for Bill or Hillary.

MTM donated Mel Otter to The Bronx Zoo

In a brilliant naming rights move in 1998, Leona Helmsley set as a condition for any future sales the right to keep the structure at Park Avenue & 46th the Helmsley Building in perpetuity. Thus the former Grand Central Building and General Tire Building will never be know as anything but the Helmsley Building. Take that Goldman Sacks (the current owners of the structure)!

We do get our panties in a bunch over the smallest things sometimes, when we should be concerned with the larger picture. If there are name-games to worry about they ought to be that Nabisco (too big already) was swallowed alive by ConAgra… Or watching your small neighborhood bank snorted up and spat back out as Citi. If Yankee Stadium were to be renamed for George Steinbrenner or Massengill, people would be outraged of course – but not as outraged if they didn’t make the playoffs. In other words, THE BIG PICTURE comes into play. By 2050, fans may be affectionately calling The Stadium The George or The Douche.


Where does “Sports Get Funny” apply here? Well, last week it was reported that the planned community in Port St. Lucie known as Tradition has defaulted on their annual payment to the New York Mets for their Spring Training complex naming rights. Not to worry, Tradition is a stupid name anyway. The average nitwit thinks it has some successful baseball connotation rather than the shameless promotion of a Stepfordesque community that paid over $100,000 every year. Good riddance Tradition Field; the word in and of itself sets the bar way too high for our beloved underachievers. Might we suggest a new name not out of deep pockets or commitment to higher ethics but straight out of pure smarm???


A very Angry Ward, tomorrow. And Thursday. And Friday…

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  • Grote2Dmax

    I would love to hear a game called from Meet The Matts Stadium on my Victrola with a Norge filled with Ballentines.

  • Corporal Agorn

    Cook I’m still partial to Billy Crystal’s Whore Emporium. Don’t recall who coined that one but it was stellar. This article is just aching for some crackpot comment from Time Warp Tony no?

  • Angry Ward

    Agorn, thank you for pointing out to Tall Matt that it is now, and will always be, Billy Cystal’s Whore Emporium. (Yeah, that was mine.) I personally think the Mets should name their spring training stadium after the greatest spring training player in the history of the organization. I’m speaking, of course, of Mr. March, the one, the only, Butch Huskey! Butch Huskey Ballpark has a nice ring to it.

  • Tall Matt: We just got the tardy MTM Edit Staff to finish your requests. All should refresh their browsers (easy, Randy Levine) see the new photo at the head of the article…

    P.s… jgclancy

  • Randy Levine

    Huskey or butch is ideal.

  • Dude

    on my way to fill my car with hi-test gas, crank up the hi-fi, and do some math on an abacus…

  • Jersey Girl

    I want Met Otter!!! And the video is hysterical.

  • Finns

    Funny stuff Matts

  • Ed Kranemule

    Grote- Im selling a beautiful Credenza that holds my 45’s and 8-tracks. It would be perfect for your Victrola. If your interested, give me a call at Murray Hill 5- 3606

  • Grote2Dmax

    Sorry Kranemule I only listen to long playing records.

  • Different Matt

    I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to calling the Triborough the RFK. Just like the West Side Highway will never be the Joe DiMaggio Highway.

  • Yankee Joe

    You guys crack me up. Make fun of The Home Of Greatness all you want. The Mutt Hut will NEVER have a CHAMPION.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Call me crazy, but I kinda like the ring of the Mutt Hut. Maybe then we can call it the Matt Hat in center field.

  • Ed Kranemule

    Im off to pick up my Grandfather. He asked which way I was going. I told him Id be taking the Jackie Robinson pkwy to the Robert F Kennedy bridge over to the Joe Dimaggio highway. He said to stop *frogging with him, he’s not senile yet.

    *Edited by MTM Censors: Leave the fowl language in the barn, Kranemule!

  • Tall Matt

    Thanks to Short Matt today for stellar stadium photoshopERY.
    How long will he allow Ed’s spicy vernacular to go uncensored??
    And someone give him a map…the RFK won’t take you to the Joe D.

    When my mom comes to her senses she calls the Victrola a STEEREO.
    She also thinks she’s hip because she knows who Mick JAEGER is. She slays.

    I clearly like the words – moron, nitwit and stupid.

  • Dude

    over under is 1 hour before ed’s post gets sanitized…

    gotta go watch some imogene coca/ ernest borgnine pictures

  • Angry Ward

    We should just call Citi Field what it really is… The Fun House. Horrible angles, distorted views, and there’s a good chance of injury. Seriously, I like it. From now on, this is what I’m calling it.

  • Tall Matt

    Dude – That would be Sid Caesar not Borgnine. Time Warp Tony just informed me through the cans tied with string phone.

    Ward – I think if the Mets added some enormous mirrors at the place I’d be on board. My favorite to date, heard on NPR last year – Debits Field. The play on words made Safire proud.

  • Dude

    fabulous freddy’s fun house of flying daggers could be the unabridged name

    time for a sidecar

  • Dude

    yes but ernest borgine is a funnier name to say than sid caesar, so i took license

  • Tall Matt

    Duly noted.

    Santana got lit up in 1 2/3 innings today. Stupendous.

    St. John’s playing Connecticut right now in round one of Big East Tourney. Up 8-2

  • Vincent

    The first Pinstripe Bowl will be played at Yankee Stadium on Dec. 30 and will be televised by ESPN.

    The game will include the No. 3 team in the Big East and the No. 6 school in the Big 12, excluding Bowl Championship Series participants.

    “I think no matter what the sport, every kid who grows up wants to play at Yankee Stadium,” Yankees president Randy Levine said Tuesday.

  • Tall Matt: The MTM Censors want to know why you didn’t simply edit Ed Kranemule’s fowl language… They suggested calling you Dim Matt.

  • Grote2Dmax

    The Fun House it is.

  • Tall Matt

    Tall Matt loves the blue.

  • Randy Levine

    Did I say that? WOOF that amyl nitrate is strong.

  • Yankee Joe

    NPR… No Pulse Radio. Like Mutt games on the FAN. The only good thing the Mutts ever had was Bob Murphy. Me and Cookie baby could do a better job then there radio people now – from a cozy spot on my couch.

  • Grote2Dmax

    P.S. My nephew looked at that site and couldn’t believe the profanity.

  • Dude

    thanks cookie… i hear that name and i can smell mothballs

  • Tall Matt

    Enabling Cookies, that’s what it’s about. FYI Cooks, it the Big East tourney not the NCAAs and are you seriously disparaging one of sports BEST events? No…no…I will not believe that.

  • The Fun House is anywhere Doc Emmerich is!

  • Rex O Rourke

    Cookie the J Rob was the Interboro not the Belt but close enough. We love you anyway.

    By the way I just got back from Siam and Persia (I took the Aerofoil) but I wasn’t feeling too well so I went to the Sawbones and got a Flouroscope to check on my lumbago. I was given a clean bill of health, and feeling gay, I had an old fashioned at Toots Shors. Then I put on a ’78 and Lindy’ed my way all the way to the Cotton Club to catch Dizzy and Bird blow some Be-Bop. Then I had some Tapioca but I started to get the Vapors so I went home and took to my bed with a teaspoon of Castor Oil.

  • Our Panel of Time Warp Tony, Kevin Baez and Lenny Randle all voted…
    Rex wins the Comment Du Jour Contest! For that, he gets a shiny new dime and the awesome pleasure of taking all The Matts out to dinner!

  • Grote2Dmax

    I’ll toss a sawbuck on the bar if Rex chooses a blind tiger instead.

  • Hayseed

    All of you that are talking spring training right now…..shut the f%$#k up. Ridiculous.
    The only baseball worthy news is the countdown to “how many weeks til Dusty Baker destroys Adrolis Chapman’s arm?” I say 7 weeks and if your a Mutt fan and don’t know this kid………you will.

    As for the stadium in Da Bronx, well we can just put a mammoth neon “DJ” sign on the front of the stadium and call it a night.

    ……for those of yous from queens that stands for Derek Jeter.

    Put that in your Rafael Santana and smoke it!

  • jgclancy

    Had to say my name, eh Matt?
    Glad Rex won that dinner honor before I came online.
    It’s always going to be Shea to me.
    Interboro…never the Jackie Robinson and it is a really lousy place to get stuck on so avoid it.
    Triborough…eh, I’ll get used to RFK.
    Yankee Joe..it’s than not then!
    I have to say Ed Kranemule was just quoting his dad…I rarely curse but nothing wrong with quoting someone who curse..like say Sue simmons?
    The little critter surelooks cute but is it tasty?
    One thing before I have a few wings and a Fosters .I said it a year ago…it should be MtM not MTM–that’s Mary Tyler Moore to me aka Laura Petrie the most beautiful sitcom mom ever! Thank You–come again.
    Where’s Biffle?
    Go Aztecs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • jgclancy

    P.S.- Billy Crystal’s Whore Emporium is fantastic. I remember laughing out loud the first time I read it.
    Maybe an MtM contest. The only way to top that name is to add to it ie:
    Billy Crystal’s Whore Emporium & ___________ (fill in the blank).

  • Ed Kranemule

    To all those offended by my profanity, I am sorry. This site just gets me so riled up that i cant help myself. I guess it was 1 too many Rob Roys this am. Ill just keep plucking that chicken. AW, The Fun House is good but ill stick to my favorite- Shlittzy* Field. Oops, I did it again! F%$#k!!!!!

    *Edit note – Krane always preferred Schlitz beer to Rheingold.

  • Ed Kranemule

    Last one I promise. It was just too easy!

  • Angry Ward

    Rex you should put a nice mustard plaster on that lumbago. That or some wintergreen linament.

    Kranemule, do you kiss your farmer with that mouth?

  • King Ronan

    I would have preferred the “Son of the Millionaire Psycopath” Bridge. Or, the multi-millionaire Irish bulls..t slammer Bridge. Or, better yet, The Mick Bu..shitter Bridge Named After The Son Of The Essentially Criminal Father Who Bought The Presidential Election For His Brother. Something like that.

    Or, or, WAIT A MINUTE!!! The Bridge Of the Brother Of the Guy Who Did Nothing in the Senate but was Called A Lion Because He Died.


  • Tall Matt

    Slam the man if you will. I think the Nixon legacy we got instead speaks for itself King Ronan. Most of you hostility seems reserved for the father so I will lamely ask should he be blamed for the sins of the father?

  • West Coast Craig

    Rex, were you wearing an onion on your belt? Who’s buying the naming rights to the Brooklyn Bridge?

  • jgclancy

    Hmmmmm….never realized only Staten Island has no bridge with the boroughs name on it. Maybe they should rename the Bayonne Bridge since that makes me think of NJ or give Staten Island to NJ…dilemmas….

    Two days until Aztecs basketball …go Aztecs!!!!!

  • jasontheump

    Don’t u say nutten bad bout my Yankees Willis!

  • jasontheump: Welcome to Mattville! We see you finally figured out how to get in here! We expect you to be calling balls pretty frequently… And strikes…

  • gollytwo

    dear tall Matt, your beloved Mamma also still calls it Shea (shirt to prove it) in addition to the East and West Side Highways. AND, you could alert her when you slander her in print. I heard it from Annie Savoy – who, by the way, did know who makes the stitching for MLB baseballs.

  • King Ronan

    Go FRANCE.


    Saturday on BBC America. Allez, les petits.

  • King Ronan

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