ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: ACHIEVEMENTS IN SPORTS SCATOLOGY

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FLUSHING, NY – In the long, storied history of sports there has also been an equally long, storied history of bathroom lines and fans’ bodily function foibles. Off the top of my head, I can recall a Mets/Giants game at Shea back in the late ’70s when my big brother spent the entire contest throwing up in the box seat level bathrooms. I remember thinking that the condition of those restrooms alone were enough to make one barf, and wondered if I would ever see him again. But I digress. Along with the installations of the first ballpark lavatory and the first vomitorium at the Colosseum in ancient Rome, there have been several notable advancements in the field of sports-related scatology along the way.

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Most recently we’ve seen the indispensable Stadium Pal which allows guys the convenience of urinating without having to leave their seats. Not wanting to leave the ladies out of the picture, there was soon a Stadium Gal, for women who yearn to pee in the middle of the action.

Shortly thereafter, golfers had their own tool for avoiding the worst kind of water hazard. Yes, with the glorious Uro Club, duffers everywhere can now keep things country club chic when they relieve themselves in the great outdoors. As this commercial attests, the Uro Club is the only club in your bag guaranteed to keep you out of the woods.

Now that these fantastic inventions have changed sports, as we know them, forever, there are a whole line of similar products ready to hit the market any day now. Here’s just a sampling.

The Scrumbag: There’s no time for bathroom breaks in rugby. But, when you have to go, you have to go. Luckily with The Scrumbag ruggers needn’t leave the pitch to lighten their load. In the middle of the next scrum, break out the stylish and portable scrumbag and take care of business. The Scrumbag is the best teammate you’ll ever have.

The Ped Pan: This combination bicycle seat and bed pan, makes it a whole lot easier to hold onto that Tour de France lead in the unforgiving Pyrnenees mountains. Don’t let a little yellow urine get in the way of you holding onto that yellow leader’s jersey.

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    There’s nothing like peeing on the Champs-Elysees.

The Wimbledumper: Tired of braving those insufferable water closet lines at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club? With the handsome crown-shaped Wimbledumper you won’t miss a second of Centre Court action. Each Wimbledumper comes with a special strawberries and cream-scented odor neutralizer.

Deep End Undergarments: Peeing in the pool never felt so right.

The Vom-Met Bag: Now on sale at Citi Field concessions stands, the Vom-Met bag helps keep nauseous Mets fans virtually puke-free during the 7th Inning Retch.

The Double-Dribbler: This durable rubber codpiece developed by Spalding will keep even the most incontinent NBA fans bone dry. Available in both standard orange and ABA red, white, and blue.

The Mastersbator: Why should Tiger Woods have all the fun? Get yer ya yas out during the Masters and other PGA tour events with this vibrating golf ball.

WWE SummerSlampons: The only women’s hygiene product officially endorsed by Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment. These tampons can handle more blood than a steel cage death match and won’t cost you a lot of Fabulous Moolah.

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The Fabulous Moolah

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Collegeostomy Bag: Show everyone just how deep your college allegiances run with this NCAA-approved waste collection pouch adorned with your favorite school’s colors and logo.

Top-seller; Brown University

Pamplona Pampers: Got the runs right before the running of the bulls? No problem. Slip on a pair of these discreet diapers and keep your focus on loose bulls not loose stools. With Pamplona Pampers…

    The Fun Also Rises.
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OK, that should just about cover it. I’m fairly certain I can’t stoop any lower than this. Please don’t forget to wash your hands after reading. Dr. Diz, tomorrow.

MTM RESEARCH DEPT INSERT:
For those that missed The Matts CHEESY Opening Day video…

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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