FLUSHING, NY – In the long, storied history of sports there has also been an equally long, storied history of bathroom lines and fans’ bodily function foibles. Off the top of my head, I can recall a Mets/Giants game at Shea back in the late ’70s when my big brother spent the entire contest throwing up in the box seat level bathrooms. I remember thinking that the condition of those restrooms alone were enough to make one barf, and wondered if I would ever see him again. But I digress. Along with the installations of the first ballpark lavatory and the first vomitorium at the Colosseum in ancient Rome, there have been several notable advancements in the field of sports-related scatology along the way.


Most recently we’ve seen the indispensable Stadium Pal which allows guys the convenience of urinating without having to leave their seats. Not wanting to leave the ladies out of the picture, there was soon a Stadium Gal, for women who yearn to pee in the middle of the action.

Shortly thereafter, golfers had their own tool for avoiding the worst kind of water hazard. Yes, with the glorious Uro Club, duffers everywhere can now keep things country club chic when they relieve themselves in the great outdoors. As this commercial attests, the Uro Club is the only club in your bag guaranteed to keep you out of the woods.

Now that these fantastic inventions have changed sports, as we know them, forever, there are a whole line of similar products ready to hit the market any day now. Here’s just a sampling.

The Scrumbag: There’s no time for bathroom breaks in rugby. But, when you have to go, you have to go. Luckily with The Scrumbag ruggers needn’t leave the pitch to lighten their load. In the middle of the next scrum, break out the stylish and portable scrumbag and take care of business. The Scrumbag is the best teammate you’ll ever have.

The Ped Pan: This combination bicycle seat and bed pan, makes it a whole lot easier to hold onto that Tour de France lead in the unforgiving Pyrnenees mountains. Don’t let a little yellow urine get in the way of you holding onto that yellow leader’s jersey.

    There’s nothing like peeing on the Champs-Elysees.

The Wimbledumper: Tired of braving those insufferable water closet lines at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club? With the handsome crown-shaped Wimbledumper you won’t miss a second of Centre Court action. Each Wimbledumper comes with a special strawberries and cream-scented odor neutralizer.

Deep End Undergarments: Peeing in the pool never felt so right.

The Vom-Met Bag: Now on sale at Citi Field concessions stands, the Vom-Met bag helps keep nauseous Mets fans virtually puke-free during the 7th Inning Retch.

The Double-Dribbler: This durable rubber codpiece developed by Spalding will keep even the most incontinent NBA fans bone dry. Available in both standard orange and ABA red, white, and blue.

The Mastersbator: Why should Tiger Woods have all the fun? Get yer ya yas out during the Masters and other PGA tour events with this vibrating golf ball.

WWE SummerSlampons: The only women’s hygiene product officially endorsed by Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment. These tampons can handle more blood than a steel cage death match and won’t cost you a lot of Fabulous Moolah.

The Fabulous Moolah


Collegeostomy Bag: Show everyone just how deep your college allegiances run with this NCAA-approved waste collection pouch adorned with your favorite school’s colors and logo.

Top-seller; Brown University

Pamplona Pampers: Got the runs right before the running of the bulls? No problem. Slip on a pair of these discreet diapers and keep your focus on loose bulls not loose stools. With Pamplona Pampers…

    The Fun Also Rises.

OK, that should just about cover it. I’m fairly certain I can’t stoop any lower than this. Please don’t forget to wash your hands after reading. Dr. Diz, tomorrow.

For those that missed The Matts CHEESY Opening Day video…

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • Sams A Fan

    I wanted to see if I could be first poster today. Now I’ll go back and read Ward’s column. Happy hump day.

  • All Blacks Rule

    There’s a lot that goes in a scrum, Mate… Fingers in ears, thumbs in eyes, biting and the standard ‘fishhook’… Please don’t give any more suggestions!

  • Sams A Fan

    Nicely done Ward, however I think that you could sink lower if you really tried, but I don’t know if you could get lower and funnier, that would be a feat! Love the ABA red, white and blue double dribbler. I’m trying to think of a Triple Crown or Kentucky Derby related product you could also market, but right now I’m coming up empty, like a man’s bladder after using the Uro-club or Stadium Pal, but if I think of something later I’ll let you know.

  • Angry Ward

    All Blacks Rule: With all that other stuff going on in the scrum, I’m betting that no one would even notice. Though it could be tough to use the scrumbag with someone gouging your eye.

    Cookie, my in-laws live right off of a golf course, so I’m quite sure the Uro Club is the scourge of their property.

    Sam, I promise to strive to sink to new depths if you promise to come up with a horse racing entry for this post. Perhaps an apparatus that holds open the racing form for you while you use the urinal?

  • Officer Bob

    You are a sick and twisted man, Ward. Very funny, though. Sam should be coming up with one for the jockey to use too.

  • Ed Kranemule

    AW- I love the racing form idea. I think ive seen that done here. As for the lovely patrons of the NYRA, bathrooms are just a waste of time. Most of them use the nearest garbage can. We call that hand-riding

  • Yankee Joe

    Just let Mutt fans walk around peeing that way the smell from Queens and whats going on down on the field wont bother them. From the losers in the video from opening day, I dont see anyone that doesnt do that already. Mutts will start the season 3-8 and Yanks will be 8-3.

  • PhillyPhanatic

    There is too much crap in this column for even the Collegeostomy Bag to handle.

  • Angry Ward

    The Yankee Zipper: A special muzzle designed specifically to combat Yankee Joe’s verbal diarrhea. Available in pinstripe or road gray.

  • Grote2Dmax

    I nearly peed my Pamplona Pampers. You can’t beat the Fabulous Moolah either. Never again will I miss the 7th inning singing of Lazy Mary while making an unnecessary trip to the toilet.

  • Sams A Fan

    This just in…Huggies has announced a cross marketing endeavor where they will be releasing a line of adult diapers called OTB, as in Off Track Bathroom. This undergarment will be designed for the degenerate gambler who frequents the city’s legal betting parlors and who frequently relieve themselves any effing place they want. Far worse than the NYRA bathrooms I think.

    For the equines, so far the best I can come up with is a horse pill sized dose of Bean-o. Now you can feed your colt, mare or gelding all the Beef-a-Reeno you want without fear of a Stewarts Inquiry.

    Finally, Ward thank you for this post which serves as a great public service announcement. The products of which you are making the public aware will dramatically cut down on the ever growing cases of uromycitisis.

  • West Coast Craig

    “More blood than a steel cage match” is beautiful. You know I always appreciate a Fabulous Moolah reference! The opposite of the Stadium Pal has to be the Whizzinator. Railbirds at the track usually just find a statue to poop on. Sweet Cookie-line, why the hate for the Jewish Elvis?

  • Jersey Girl

    Potty Ward and “I like to potty all the time” should be part of this silliness somehow. Disgusting! But funny.

  • Sams A Fan

    “Potty All the Time” wasn’t that Eddie Murphy’s ill conceived foray into music with the help of his buddy, and his brother’s foil, Rick James?

  • Sams A Fan

    Today’s post and some of the succeeding comments begs the question as to what terminology thoroughbreds use with one another to describe their need to urinate. While in the starting gate does the number 4 horse say to the number 5 “I’ve got to see a horse about a man?” Would it be droll or just redundant if Cigar were to say “I’ve gotta piss like a race horse?” Or do horses use altogether different analogies? “I’ve got to piss like an elephant? A blue whale? Old Faithful?

  • Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

    Bravo! You have succeeded in lowering an impossibly low standard! How American of you.

  • West Coast Craig

    Sam, I think you have the makings of a good five minutes of stand-up there.

  • Hitman15

    I met you guy’s for the first time sat behind you at the game and I am in the Video ! I have to tell you it was the best opening day’s I have been to maybe ever!! you guy’s were a blast to hang with and I look foward to the Next one.
    will Stepahnie ever find her seat !!!!! god I hope not…. and Howie Rose Jr still cracks me up. Let’s go Met’s.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Sam I agree with WCC – seems like you might be ready to pick up the every other Friday column again. Don’t waste this good material at the end of the daily postings.

  • Angry Ward

    Despite what anyone thinks about today’s post, I consider it a personal victory that I was able to drag Sam’s A Fan down to this level. Really enjoying it in fact.

    Sam I’d like to think that the horses say something like: “Man I gotta piss like Man O’ War” or maybe even “Hey fella, good thing you’re a mudder cuz I’ve got something brewing that’s gonna turn this course sloppy.”

  • A-Dubya: Somehow, someway, The Tidy Bowl Man needs to be integrated for the second consecutive week. With or without him, this one rocks! It even got the Philly Phanatic to come out of hiding. Maybe we can do a segment based on Wheel Of Fortune in which contestants may buy a bowel.

    Hitman15: Welcome to Mattville! At long last, some muscle to help stave off the odd old lady mistaking us for crossing guards (when we wear orange)… We agree, great Opening Day. Thankfully Luis Castillo didn’t hit it into the Pepsi Porch, otherwise our pledge to buy the four of you beers the rest of the day would have been painfully expensive.

    TO ALL: We are watching the Astros/Giants for free on NHL 2 – yes, NHL 2 – and we don’t subscribe… It may be a freebie for the week or something.

  • Junior Blaber

    Where is the Wizzanator with the plastic synthetic penis that got Ontario Smith busted. He got the wrong colored one.

  • West Coast Craig

    Junior, one of my best fantasy football team names ever was “Onterrio’s Whizzinator.”

  • SentFromMyBlackberryWireless

    Sam and Ward, I think a horse would refer to a human… Like I gotta pee like Manny in Fenway!

  • Dr. Diz

    wow…lower’ n’ a snakes belly in a rut…this piece has to be in the running for some kind of award somewhere on the net for somethin or other, just on general priciples …

  • Angry Ward

    Once again, nobody beats The Diz. I can’t disagree with your frontier take on this thing. However, as low-brow as it is, it’s still a step up from talking about Tiki Barber and Tiger Woods.

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