ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: K-TEL'S 70s SPORTS SOUNDS SPECTACULAR

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by Angry Ward

TIN PAN ALLEY, NY – As we’ve covered here time and time again, sports and music just seem to go together. Some athletes are just natural born singers and musicians (Smokin’ Joe Frazier and the late Waymon Tisdale come to mind), and on the flipside there are some recording artists who are pretty darn good athletes (Joan Jett is no slouch on the softball field and just ask Charlie Murphy about Prince’s basketball skills). So it came as no surprise when I broke out some crusty old tunes from the 1970s this weekend that in those catchy – and often hilarious – lyrics I was reminded of various current sports personalities and stories. So put on your headphones and jack up the bass. Here’s the playlist:

The Devil Went Down to Georgia (Charlie Daniels Band, 1979): This good ol’ boy anthem has got new Braves closer Billy Wagner written all over it. After being demonized by Mets fans, Billy boy is now Atlanta’s problem. And we’ll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul that Mr. Wagner comes up way short when it counts.

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Ben(Michael Jackson, 1972): A syrupy-sweet theme song for a movie about a killer rat? Sounds like something Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger could use, eh?

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (Elton John & Kiki Dee, !976) and Philadelphia Freedom (Elton John, 1975): Sir Elton pulls double duty here (which we’re sure he wouldn’t mind) to wrap up what was a thoroughly entertaining final two games between the New York Rangers and the Philadelphia Flyers. Nobody knows it, but these two song titles pretty much sum up the feelings of NY and Philly fans respectively.

I’m in You (Peter Frampton, 1977): Tiger Woods.

It’s a Heartache (Bonnie Tyler, 1978): Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your 2010 New York Mets season. To paraphrase another BT hit, turn around bright eyes, David Wright just threw the ball three feet over your head.

Sister Golden Hair (America, 1975): Maria Sharapova, why won’t you meet me in the middle and return my calls?

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Escape/The Pina Colada Song (Rupert Holmes, 1979): Tiki Barber was another loser who was “tired of his lady,” so he checked out the personals of 23-year-old NBC intern Traci Johnson. Now his soon-to-be-former (and currently pregnant) wife can go ahead and raise all their kids “all by [her]self” (Eric Carmen, 1976) while he makes love on the dunes of the Cape with a chick with half a brain.

Slow Ride (Foghat, 1975): This one is dedicated to umpire Joe West. He had it right on the (Eddie) money when he blasted the Yanks and Sox for their ridiculously long games. Watching Boston and NY play is like listening to a 45 on 33. That’s short play singles vs. long play albums for all of you born around 1990 AV (After Vinyl).

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    Joe West asks Deputy Droop-a-long (aka Andy Pettitte)
    to speed things up.

Afternoon Delight (Starland Vocal Band, 1976): Um… Tiger Woods? After all, his motto’s always been when it’s right it’s right.

Sir Duke (Stevie Wonder, 1976): Congratulations to Mike Krzyzewski (man, that’s difficult to spell even with the name right in front of you) on leading Duke to yet another NCAA Championship. Though it would be nice if you guys actually won the damn thing on any of the years when I actually pick you.

School’s Out (Alice Cooper, 1972): Good luck to all of those college football players who left school early for next week’s NFL Draft. Hopefully you get picked, but if you don’t there’s always work at the…

Car Wash (Rose Royce, 1977): It might not be the NFL but it’s still better than digging a ditch.

Heart of Glass (Blondie, 1979): Any word on when the perpetually injured and always fragile Carlos Beltran is due back?

Love Machine – Pt. 1 (The Miracles, 1976): You thought we were gonna go with Tiger Woods again, but you’re wrong. Instead, this one goes out to baby-making-machine, and news Jets starting corner, Antonio Cromartie. He’s a love machine and he won’t work for nobody but you. “You” of course being any woman he comes in contact with.

Precious and Few (Climax, 1972): This is how many NBA games I’ve watched this year.

    and last but not least…

Love Will Keep Us Together (Captain & Tennille, 1975): I’m fairly certain that Omar Minaya and Jeff Wilpon sing this over the phone to each other every single morning. Omar of course telling Jeffy, “When those fans start hanging around, talking me down, hear with your heart and you won’t hear a sound.” A much better Captain & Tennille directive for the Wilpons would be to Shop Around (1976) for a new GM and coach.

Okay, the clock on the wall says that Angry Ward’s got to Fly Like An Eagle. Johnny Fever is up next, followed by Venus Flytrap on the overnight.

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Jillian Brooks, tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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