COOKIE'S CORNER: THE "BETTER THAN" LIST

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TOPSVILLE, USA – This week’s Angry Ward column was bit of a shocker. After all, who is better at spewing venom than Angry Ward? Yet he took a sharp left and went all mushy with a love letter to Ichiro Itchy Suzuki. And this during a week in which a lot of people proved to be better than what people expected… or not. Some strive to prove they are better than, and some things just can’t get better (contrary to the opinion of Howard Jones, who Time Warp Tony surely has jamming on his Walkman RIGHT NOW.) Ladies and Gentleman, with that I give you Cookie’s Better Than List:

NLeast: the Mets are currently BETTER THAN the Phillies and riding high in first place. If you’ve got a feeling you’re in a bizzaro world, don’t worry…it won’t last that long. With Jerry and Omar The Tent Maker still walking around like window-lickers, trust me…the end to this year’s Met season will be BETTER THAN last year’s only as a result of the head(s) that will roll. I feel confident that Jerry’s time will be up when the net comes down on this year’s Mets Trap.

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CELEBS: They always do BETTER THAN us normal folk and are often interested in besting themselves and their fellow glitter people. This week, Kim Kardashian BESTED herself a month after dumping 2010 Super Bowl Champion Reggie Bush and scoring some major hand balls with futbol’s Christiano Ronaldo. For those of you not following the soccer, Ronaldo is a major soccer stud for Real Madrid and is also the captain for the Portuguese team. Super Bowl was MONTHS ago… Copa del Mundo is coming up. Ms. Kardashian had to go for the header here.

The door was only left open a crack before Christiano got there.

HOCKEY? For you fellas… Flyers or Bruins? Who’s BETTER THAN who? Well, all the teams left in the Stanley Cup Playoffs are better than the Devils…clearly. But who’s better than recently departed head coach, Jacques Lemaire?!? After his second stint at the helm, he decided to hang it up at the standard entry retirement age of sixty-five. His reason for not wanting to coach anymore? “I just don’t have it in me.” I defy you to find anything more honest and non-dramatic than that. And certainly, don’t look to boy-cried-wolf Brett Favre for it either. This is the latest statement about his last (?) season and the future from his Official Brett Favre website (a bookmarked favorite of Angry Ward’s): “Regardless of what the future holds, I want everyone to know that I will cherish the memories of the past year for the rest of my life.” Get the Kleenex ready.

WARREN’ ZEVON’s Werewolves of London was playing on the car radio – it’s the only radio I get to listen to these days – and I got to thinking; Songs don’t get better than this. What genius, or drug-induced state fueled these lyrics (perhaps the best ever), not to mention the inclusion of a place called Lee Ho Fook’s and Lon Chaney in a song:

“I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s, and his hair was perfect. BIP!”

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PONIES, PONIES, PONIES!!! I loves me the horsies and tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby. The field of twenty is set with post positions drawn. Lookin’ At Lucky is the current favorite (3-1) but drew the #1 Post position…not good. A horse has not won from post 1 since 1986’s Ferdinand. (Time Warp Tony: You saw that horse most recently – how’d he look?) ANYWAY… Always in my bets – the filly. This year sees a promising filly in Devil May Care. Drawing post 11, she’ll be in the gates longer than most all the other horsies. But for my bets, there’s nothing BETTER THAN betting a filly. She’ll surely do better than Eight Belles (still crushing to think about) if she just comes out alive, but I think she’ll do better than that. And her jockey is wearing yellow silks with green stripes. Yellow is my son’s favorite color! How could I not bet her? With longer odds, I suggest you put her in your exotics. The girl is always the spoiler. You GO GIRL!

BASEBALL ANNOUNCERS: Good golly. What really sucks about being a Yankee fan is the announcers. If I watch on TV, I want to mute it, but turning on the radio is no good either. Lately I’ve found Ken Singleton to be BETTER THAN anyone else. He’s up in years and his unrelated, Alzheimer’s anecdotes at least distract from how horrible the others in the booth are. Al Leiter is an easy BETTER THAN Michael Kay, as his hard-on for the Yankees seems to have died down a bit lately. A SCREWDRIVER IN THE EAR ranks better than Suzyan Waldman and John Sterling only SLIGHTLY ranks BETTER THAN Michael Kay’s douchey-ness.

This year, Sterling has BESTED himself in horribly over-indulgent-queer-nickname incorporation in his calls, by topping the nails-on-chalkboard-esque “It’s Robbie Cano… Don’tchya knowww?!?!” And while I HATE him calling Jorge Posada Georgie, it does NOT get any worse than this:

I feel fairly confident that Sammy Davis Jr. is rolling over in his grave, while his glass eye is standing still.

You wanna talk about come backs? No, I’m not inserting an LL Cool J video in here…though if I ever feel the need to post pics of a bare chested dude, I’d help the ladies out with some LL. But… no. Instead, I’ll direct your attention to a come back BETTER THAN any Ali/Fraser, Immaculate Reception, Hand of God goal you can find. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. people. The guy started dabbling in drugs at the age of EIGHT – thanks to his addict father. After achieving stardom, he went heavy on the drugs with numerous arrests, trips to rehab, prison and the show Ally McBeal (akin to prison, really) from 1996-2001. Somehow, he’s beaten the odds, cleaned up his life and has made quite a career comeback with Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes, not to mention his role as a white man, cosmetically turned into a black man in Tropic Thunder.

Perhaps a cornerstone of his continuing sobriety? His involvement with a type of martial arts called Wing Chun. That’s right people…WING CHUN. Everybody have fun…everybody WING CHUN.

And that seems like a perfect note to leave it on for the weekend. Words to live by. Have fun. (Okay, okay… Here’s the right way) …Wang Chung.

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Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She’s our Angelina Jolie in “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” – by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and… Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody’s business and is one smart… Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.

  • jgclancy

    Nice column before I head to work. Don’t forget to mention my A’s.
    Now only tied for First Place but they will still end with a better record than the Mets most likely.

  • All Blacks Rule

    I don’t know anything about your baseball other than it is similar to cricket – which is painfully boring – but that announcer is terrifically bad! Send Kim K down here; soccer players aren’t worthy.

  • Angry Ward

    Cookie, I’d like to meet your tailor.

  • bosoxbruins04

    Cookie, another great read but Warren Zevon and “Werewolves of London”?? Really??? That song is right up there with Phil Collins’ “Sussudio”… Dumb and bad.

  • bosoxbruins04

    With all due respect, that song is wicked bad!

  • Different Matt

    As a Yankee fan, I’m thoroughly embarrassed by that John Sterling (whose real name is Harold Moskowitz) call.

    My favorite line from Werewolves of London is “You better stay away from him, he’ll rip your lungs out Jim, huh I’d like to meet his tailor”. Warren Zevon was either brilliant or deranged… or both.

    Cookie – excellent post as usual, but something’s been missing. Lent has been over for almost a month and still no Sofia. What gives?

  • cheesybruin

    As much as I hate John Sterling for his “Islander Goal, Islander Goal” cheers while announcing NYI games in the late 70’s-early 80’s any Gong Show-like attempt at a Sammy Davis tune is hilarious, and I mean that man. For my money, nobody was better than Curt Gowdy at calling a football or baseball game. Bruiuns are better than Flyers on paper, but games are played on ice. Terry O’Reilly was better than Dave Schultz…the proof is on YouTube.

  • West Coast Craig

    Holy crap I hadn’t heard that John Sterling call, he’s really topped himself, which is hard to do when you spout things like “A-bombs from A-Rod.” I’m in the camp of liking Werewolves of London…but it’s by far the poppiest song in the Zevon ouvre, the guy was indeed both brilliant and deranged, and dark. My favorite line from one of his songs is “When California slides into the ocean, like the mystics and statistics say…” Mystics and statistics…I love that.

  • bosoxbruins04

    cheesybruin: Here’s the link for an O’Reilly v Schultz fight:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofgE7DXvvWo

  • Ed Kranemule

    Hard to believe that Sterling was the Islander announcer in their heydey. I have to admit as a 12 yr old , I loved hearing that “Goal, Islander Goal, Islander Goal” Now I cant stand him. Such a cheeseball, He and the Yanks were meant for each other. What is it with announcrs never aging?(Except Kiner)

    Every Party should start and end with “Wearwolves of London”. The first few times my Babys Momma heard the song she thought the lyrics were- Ahoooooooo,”Where was the Thunder!” I still laugh at that one.

    That Kim sure has some nice junk in the trunk. Crack is Whack!

  • Kosher Katcher

    There is nothing “sterling” about listening to a yankee game. Sterling and Waldman are best left on the radio so we can’t see the brown on their noses.

    At least Howie Rose, et al who are also “homers” make the game interesting and balanced. None of them will cry if Mike Piazza comes back.

  • Yankee Joe

    You dont have to listen to the Yankees. Just watch them. Its better to watch CHAMPIONS! Cookie baby get Jillian and lets go over some locker room activitys.

  • Chris Kocur-2694

    God that Sterling call made me want to barf all over my desk. He Kay and Waldman all need to be put in a car blown up all three of them suck the biggest most giant hairy sweaty gorilla balls. I hope all 3 of them fall head first out of the booth tonight and get impaled on the seats in back of the plate. I do like listening to Singleton, Leiter, and when ever cone and Paulie O come down they all know the game and can tell some good stories. These other 3 class A morons have never played an organized game in their lives and were probably the kids that got beat on the school yard cause they sucked at sports. now we have to listen to their colon curdling garb for 3 hours a night. Non of them know when to S.T.F.U. one of the best guys i ever heard from taking trips to PA was the Late Harry Kalas who knew the game and more importantly knew how to CALL a game no load ass nicknames that suck and no forced speech. he knew when to let you hear the sounds of the game unlike these A-Holes here.I want them dead now!!!! Where is the Scooter and Bill White when you need them!!!!

  • Randy Levine

    I can do a good Sterling – ready?

    Uhhh, thank you Suzyn.

  • PhillyPhanatic

    Speaking of old times, nothing was BETTER THAN Mets/Phillies, at least for the sake of this website. Today, nary a comment about that once great rivalry.
    Here’s one vote for a Met sweep followed by david proclaiming: “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in”

  • Angry Ward

    Bosoxbruins04 dares to rip Zevon??? Send lawyers, guns, and money, the shit has hit the fan.

  • Chris Kocur-2694

    i would love for one night when that d-bag Kay to get on John Flaherty’s nerves enough one time and John turns and punches him the teeth in the middle of one of his retarded ass nicknames and then let us hear some of the game sounds as we also hear kay’s teeth hitting the table at the same time. Then it will be a peaceful game once again.

    For Cookie: to quote a great man “And a happy 82nd birthday to Anselmo Rocco our there in Brooklyn tonight. Holy Cow!!! i’ll eat a cannoli to that!!! Hey white it’s the bottom of the 5th already i gotta get going after this half inning to beat the traffic over the bridge.”

  • Chris Kocur-2694

    those money store spots were classics like that miller lite spot with George and Billy Martin arguing. I would pay anything to have Kay, Waldman, and Sertling locked in room with Paulie-O for 3mins after he had 0-4 night and racked up a golden sombrero. And i get to videotape it and put it on the internet.

  • Fantastic article. Really puts things in perspective. And the Kardashian picture got me into trouble with my boss. Now I seem like a creep, which you could say is better than what they thought of me before (office party… long story).

    As for you Yankee Joe, I’m a Boston girl. Which means I’m not going anywhere with your Jeter-lovin’ self… locker room knowledge or not.

    Cookie – one last thing. In your expert opinion, who is better than who?

    Madonna vs. GaGa

  • Angry Ward

    In the battle of Madonna vs. Lady Gaga, I am betting that Time Warp Tony takes Carol Channing.

  • vinny from brooklyn

    the mets better take at least one in philly or we’ll all be hearing it from the phanatic. i’d take madonna over ga ga.

  • Angry Ward

    Lamb Chop the puppet? Cookie are you huffing glue or are you mistaking Shari Lewis for Carol Channing?

  • jgclancy

    Either way the Met fans on here won’t need anything if they beat the Philthies 2 of 3 this weekend. They’ll be hopped up on NL East kismet!

    Go A’s!!!

  • Dr. Diz

    Rolin the headless Thompson gunner…talkin’ about the man…Rolin the headless Thompson gunner….

  • Annie Savoy

    Lamb Chop is dead???

    Zevon was both deranged AND brilliant. And gone much too soon. I didn’t know that line ended in “BIP!” though.

    That Sterling clip should be used in place of an ipecac.

  • jgclancy

    I thought I banned the mentioning of Phil Collins on MtM long ago.

  • Angry Ward

    Clancy, you can wipe off that grin, cuz I know where you been, it’s all been a pack of lies… ba-dum-ba-dum-dum…dum-dum

  • jgclancy

    Oh, you’ll pay for that one AW!

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