GETTYSBURG, PA – Like any good family, this great country of ours has always had our fair share of sibling rivalries. This healthy competition has helped our country become the greatest in the world. In years past the differences between parts of the U.S. were of serious nature. Like the fact that Southern folks thought it was okay to own other human beings while Northern folks thought this was a bit much. A couple of baseball stories this past week has allowed me to once again discard my moral compass and take a look at a nation divided.

    No Midnight Cowboy

West vs. East Cowboy Joe West last Wednesday called the Yankees and Red Sox “pathetic and embarrassing” for slow play. West also called two of baseball’s most storied franchises “a disgrace to baseball.” He said, “They’re the two clubs that don’t try to pick up the pace. They’re two of the best teams in baseball. Why are they playing the slowest?” These real heavy comments are indeed backed by facts. Last year Yankee-Red Sox games took an average of 3:39 to play. The American League average was 2:56. By comparison the Mariners-Rangers games were played in a swift 2:38. On Aug. 18, 2006, the Yankees beat the Sox 14-11 in four hours and 45 minutes. It stands as the longest nine-inning game in history. I’m a baseball fan and enjoy watching good baseball but there can be too much of a good thing. Even the Yanks/Red Sox fans with the biggest hard-ons for their teams have to admit it is enough already. As Viagra warns, you should call a doctor if your erection lasts more than four hours.

There have been many theories as to why these games are longer but none are correct. The real reason is Joe Torre’s weak bladder. As the former Yankee skipper’s prostate grew so did the length of these games. Jorge Posada didn’t even speak English when Torre instructed him to visit Jimmy Key on the mound back in 1996 so Torre could take a bathroom break. During that era he only needed one piss break per nine innings. By 2000 he was wearing out a urinal cake a game in the coaches bathroom. Luckily for Joe he got his prostate checked and realized he had cancer and caught it in time. Unfortunately for us baseball fans he got used to his bathroom breaks and began using these delays to clip his toenails, trim his nose hair, pluck his eyebrows, etc. If you don’t believe me then how do you explain the fact that the Dodgers are the only National League team to average over 3 hours per game. This all happened since his going problem moved west. Come to think of it he may have a growing problem. Either way the plight of four hour games is heading west thanks to Ol’ Joe.

Baseball like it ought to be. Target Field, Minnesota.

North vs. South – Target Field opened yesterday in Minnesota. The Twins will once again be playing baseball in the great outdoors. The fact that they decided on an outdoor stadium instead of the retractable dome just highlights the fact that us northerners are a stronger breed than our southern counterparts. Cities in the South build stadiums with retractable dooms because it is too hot for them. They want to stay cool in the summer. They’d rather be indoors on a summer’s day than be outside. They even play indoor baseball in Tampa.

I just don’t get Southerners sometimes. Even the name of the stadium highlights the differences between North and South. Target Field as opposed to Wal-Park. I know there is no Wal-Park yet but I’m sure it is coming soon, complete with ball boys straight out of the infamous “People of Wal-Mart”.


What is it with the South and the names of their stores? If you were from any part of the country and drove by a supermarket in the North you would know it by sight. Here’s a Stop & Shop, I think I’ll stop and shop. Maybe you want to Shop Rite or need to visit Food Town. In the South there’s the Winn-Dixie and the Piggly Wiggly. I don’t even want to know what products they sell there. Though Winn-Dixie’s slogan of “Stars & Bars and Mallomars” tells you all you need to know about their clientele.

No wonder most of the South looks like they do the majority of their food and wardrobe shopping from convenience stores, most notably Circle K. I guess it is better than shopping at the Midwest version of the convenience store called Kum & Go.

    Wouldn’t want to use those bathrooms now would ya?

Angry Ward, tomorrow.

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  • jgclancy

    I must say that the first time I saw the name Winn-Dixie I thought , ” What an odd name”.
    Well, it’s 5:35–will my first place A’s win again? Now your trying to rile up the south Grote? I hope the Southern Man can keep his head while arguing with you 🙂

  • Angry Ward

    Dare to rip the Piggly Wiggly? Well, I hope Grote’s Gripes will remember, a Southern man don’t need him around anyhow.

    In any event, glad you brought up Cowboy Joe West, he’ll actually be getting some playtime tomorrow as well.

  • Dude

    i am all for ripping the south any chance i get (and my mother is from tennessee, mind you) but they do have convenience stores in pennsylvania called wa-wa, what the hell does that mean? i think in addition to hockey they shouldn’t be allowed to play baseball in the south either. they don’t care about it, its not football or nascar so let’s fit josh hamilton for a met uniform right now. piggly wiggly always cracks me up, i would love to have been a fly on the wall at the meeting when they came up with that moniker. if only the south had won the war, they would now be a third world country with no GNP and we in the north would have a pretty cool country, one that doesn’t need to appease a bunch of fat rednecks to get anything done.

  • Angry Ward

    Speaking of bathroom breaks, it seems Chan Ho Park had a logical explanation for his weak opening day performance.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Wow Dude I need you to be my VP of Operations. You speak the gospel. Looking forward to more West from AW and thanks for the tip Cookie I will watch what I say while visiting the Circle K next time I’m down south jukin’.

  • Wisconsin Walt

    Great Gripes by Grote!
    Dude, Josh Hamilton would be tempted by many things in NYC, he’d be better in a Brewers uniform!

  • Dude

    yes, cookie, i eagerly await the results of my pot-stirring

    grote- anytime

    walt- the last group that fell to temptation wearing a mets uniform did pretty well for us…

  • Ed Kranemule

    Was that a Walmart video or Scared Straight? I dont think a small half Jewish-half Irish boy like myself would survive 5 minutes in there. The only thing good about the south is Dennys and the grand slam breakfast. And dont get me started on grits. Cookie, I was at the “Trop” in mid July about 7 or 8 years ago. The only reason I went was to get some free AC for my son and my babys momma

  • Grote2Dmax

    AW just watched the Chan Ho pitching excuse. That was priceless. He is now my favorite Yankee. I just hope the next video titled “Chan Ho Park sprays the crowd” is not related.

  • Ed Kranemule

    I think we should all to a cue from Chan Ho and embrace Diarrhea for the beauty that it is. Yes Cookie, half jewish,I would have brought it up earlier but didnt want to brag

  • Yankee Joe

    The M-A-R-K-S get another thug to go with Braylon Edwards, the Mutts lose 2 of6 at home to the worst teams in the NL Least and GroteMaxine takes another cheap shot at the Yankees. Thats right Kranejackass, ring day at the Home of Greatness is today. All is in order.

  • PhillyPhanatic

    AW-That is the funniest video EVER posted on Meet the Matts. Now I know where you get the tag “Where Sports Get Funny.”

    Speaking of the toilet, keep your chins up Met fans. You have the Astros coming up on the 16th. Oh wait, that’s August 16th. Nevermind.

    YJ- I do need to correct one thing. Unless they were playing an intrasquad game, that’s not possible.

  • Sams A Fan

    Wow, NY and Phillie cooperation! You see how Yankee Joe just teed it up for the Phanatic and the Phanatic crushed it at our expense. Well, the only reason that I mention it is that I was going to make the very same comment. Oh well.

    St. Louis has a chain of grocery stores called Schnucks. They are sponsors of the Cardinals so if you watch a game at Inbev Stadium you can see their logo on the outfield wall. It always cracks me up. But Missouri is clearly of the South. My lovely wife would have me believe that it’s Missouri if you are from St. Louis and Missour-ah, if you are from anywhere else in the state, but to my NY state of mind it’s all Missour-ah, so they should be opening up some Piggly-Wigglies and Winn-Dixies (the most offensive name I can think of) pretty soon.

  • West Coast Craig

    Given the outcome of the Civil War, shouldn’t they be called Lose-Dixies?

    And only in the South could something like the new KFC monstrosity be invented…

  • Yankee Joe

    Phagnatic, that was a typo sorry. Samantha got all exctited! You win. But you lose when you play the World Champs. Do the Mutts wish they had Nick Johnson today? HR for Johnson. Hes no Jacobs!

  • Angry Ward

    Craig, what the hell is that thing? I wrote off KFC after they came up with those horrid bowls filled with greasy chicken bits, instant mash, corn, gravy, and topped with a three cheese blend. I thought that the Colonel and his minions should have been arrested for attempted manslaughter for that, but this picture here looks like that have taken it down a notch lower to all out attempted murder. They should have a special KFC menu called Murder Meals. This is probably what gave Chan Ho Park the trots.

  • Yankee Joe

    The Captain just homered – two zip!

  • West Coast Craig

    I know, after that great Patton Oswalt description of those (“a failure pile in a sadness bowl”), you’d think they’d stay away from this sort of thing…but you gotta hand it to them, they went even further out there like a big Ef-You.

    Chan Ho’s trots are awesome, but he’s got a ways to go to catch George Brett.

  • Grote2Dmax

    WCC I just gained 5 lbs looking at this Kentucky Fried Whathaveyou here. Sam I slightly remember Schnucks while watching a Cards game and wondering what in the wide wide world of sports it was.

  • Grote2Dmax

    This KFC sandwich is called the “Double Down” which is apparently what you do with your health.

  • Different Matt

    A bacon and cheese sandwich with fried chicken instead of bread… I have to respect the immensely swolen cohones of KFC for coming up with this in the time of calorie postings and sugary drink taxes.

  • Two words as to how that KFC sandwich was created: Paula Deen.

    If you don’t know who that is look google image her. There are some LOVELY glamour shots of this Food Network Southern bell.

    Last Thanksgiving, she did a demonstration on Turkey Frying. Yup.

  • Yankee Joe

    5-0 World Champions

  • Sams A Fan

    I think that “Sandwich” looks like one of those woefully stoned muppets that used to have cameos on the very first season SNL.

  • Hayseed

    Joe West needs to leave the commentating to Joe Buck and get back to trying a new way to cheat on his taxes. Any ballplayer or manager dare say a discouraging word about the absolutely crap level of major league umpiring they get slapped with a fine. The fat boy in blue says something and it gets him big p.r. (next he’ll be hyping the $5 foot long next to Jerod).
    Hey Joe, news flash you are not baseball and what gives you the right? Yeah, the games are long but that’s because it IS the most storied rivalry in baseball and both teams HATE losing to each other so there is more strategy involved.
    If Joe doen’t like it then he can go ump all the Royals/Indians games he wants, bust out a yawner in 2:22 and call it a day.
    Night Joe, try to stay in focus… are not the game. The game employs you.

  • buffalobilly84

    Personally, I think the players and umps want games that are as fast a possible, so it just happens naturally. The Yanks and Sox have great offenses which means pitching changes and more pitching around. I also think the Twins are nuts for not having a retractable roof. Minnesota weather is like Buffalo. Ask Ike Davis how the jump to the Buffalo Bisons from Florida has been.

  • Yankee Joe

    7-1 top of the end for Los Angels.

  • Hayseed

    Ask Tie Domi how Vancouver is in a polo shirt.
    Minnesota- Indoor Football+Outdoor Baseball=Backward State (but with lotso cheap, scandavian blonde strippers!!)

  • jgclancy

    I didn’t mention Wawa because they’re NJ too…not too southern but still an odd name.
    Go Yanks crush those Angels…..helps my A’s 🙂
    I stopped KFC except for popcorn chicken when they went to KFC and not the full name to avoid saying “fried”.
    Off to drunken trivia…..

  • Dr. Diz


    Texas ain’t down South…it’s Texas. A nation unto itself.

    Although ex was from Louisiana, which is most definately down South. Her people left guns scattered about the house like old newspapers. Sure could cook though. And I have actually attended a ballgame for the Metises AAA franchise…the Nawlings Zephs. We’re talkin again, which means were both probobly headin’ fo’ trouble. Hell of a dancer. Can two step with the best of em’.

    They can cook though..and the Big Easy is a great city, no matter what they call their supermarkets. Crawdads and beer, Gumbo, crabs and redfish stew….awesome stuff. Grab a go cup and head to a keg on Lake Ponch’ park, and head on uptown for some jazz and mo’ eatin’.

  • Dr. Diz

    By the way, can’t beleive you didn;t include that ultimate in supermercaro chains out of SA, H.E. Butt..the name says it all. Eat some Butt.

    Although Big Y in MA and CT also comes in for mention…since lots of folks like to eat at the Y.

  • West Coast Craig

    Sam’s stoned muppet is great…but Cookie gets the modern update award with a Yo Gabba Gabba reference. I did have to google search Paula Deen, Brooks, she must have her pudgy fingers involved in this somehow.

  • Randy Levine

    Paula Deen likes a little butter on it.


    I really dislike the south but I always like even the playing field by showing that NY is like that new parent who thinks their kid is the greatest kid EVER. Guess what. Your kid sucks just like everyone’s kid.

    Here are some super makets not mentioned above that could pass as anything if you weren’t from the area. Granted nothing can top Piggly Wiggly or Kum & Go or even the now defunct Alabama located Jitney-Jungle.

    Gristedes (sound likes an animated lizard always up to no good)
    CTown (based in South Africa?)
    Waldbaums (the best discount furniture money can buy)
    Met Foods (high prices for low quality I’m sure)
    Tops (for an extra $5 we’ll show you bottoms)
    Penn Traffic (is usually pretty bad around 5PM)
    Wegmans (we have the best uniform prices for all the local schools)
    King Kullen (will be releasing his long awaited follow up rap album this summer)
    Pathmark (a product that Hansel and Gretel could have taken advantage of)

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