ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: THE BAR EXAM; WHICH BOOZE BEST SUITS YOUR BALLCLUB?

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BOSTON, MA – Last week I ducked my head into this cozy little rathskeller up in Boston for a quick drink and ended up sticking around and meeting some real nice folks. While shooting the breeze with Sam, Woody, Norm, Cliff, Frasier, and the rest of the bunch, we ended up covering all manner of sports and movie trivia as well as several other odd lists and contests. Since we were all sitting around the bar, one of the things we did was come up with a list of 30 alcoholic beverages that go best with the 30 major league baseball teams. Why not pull up a stool and wet your whistle?

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BEER SELECTIONS:
Budweiser/St.Louis Cardinals: Nothing says St. Louis like Anheuser Busch’s premier product. Manager Tony La Russa proved himself to be the ultimate company man in 2007 by adding a DUI to his impressive resume. This galumphing shades-wearing clydesdale continues to pad his win totals on the back of Albert Pujols and the pitching coach genius of Dave Duncan.

Miller Beer/Milwaukee Brewers: Brew Crew fans are gonna lose their High Life when the team unveils that seven foot tall Bud Selig Statue this August.

Labatt’s/Toronto Blue Jays
: Without the pitching of Roy Halladay the Jays have really had to rely on Labatts.

Coors Light/Colorado Rockies
: The high altitude of Denver gives fans a sense of euphoria that makes them believe that the Rockies are contenders and that Coors light tastes good.

Guinness/Tampa Bay: Thanks to that BP oil spill there’s a fair chance that any day now the coast around Tampa is going to start resembling one humongous Guinness draught.

Colt 45/Houston Astros: OK, so it’s actually a malt liquor and not a beer, but Colt 45s and Houston go way back.

WINE LIST:
Victor Conte Vineyard’s Pinot Noir/San Francisco Giants: This amusing little wine has a surprisingly strong finish.

Mad Dog 20/20/Seattle Mariners
: Like making Milton Bradley the linchpin of your offense, drinking this wine has predictable repercussions.

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    Milton “Mad Dog” Bradley needs a hug.

Dry Sack Sherry/Texas Rangers: No one gets through a summer of baseball in Texas without a case of Dry Sack.

Two-Buck Chuck (Trader Joe’s)/Pittsburgh Pirates
: The perfect cheap complement to the team with the league’s lowest payroll.

Cold Duck/Minnesota Twins: The Land of 10,000 Lakes and painfully cold winters, you do the math.

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Surf Point Chardonnay/San Diego Padres: What could go better with a little San Diego Chicken?

Saké/Baltimore Orioles: The O’s have been so saké for so long and they are off to yet another truly saké start this year.

PREMIUM LIQUOR:
Absolut Vodka/New York Yankees: The default vodka for those who don’t have a go-to drink, and the default ballclub for those who don’t like their team to stink. Will the Yankees have the highest payroll in baseball every year and pretty much always be in contention? ABSOLUT-ely.

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Wild Turkey/New York Mets: Just about everything the Mets do screams both “wild” and “turkey.” Ollie Perez: The wildest turkey of them all, looks at what he thinks is the strike zone.

Crown Royal Whisky/Kansas City Royals
: We’re giving this one to KC because we just don’t see the Royals winning another World Series crown.

Courvoisier Napoleon Fine Champagne Cognac/Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
: The team with the annoyingly long name deserves a cocktail with an equally pretentious moniker.

Jose Cuervo Tequila/Arizona Diamondbacks: If there’s one thing people in Arizona love, it’s guys named Jose.

Bacardi 151 Rum/Chicago White Sox: Ozzie Guillen uses this stuff as a nerve tonic.

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    “Donde esta mi Bacardi?!?”

Canadian Club/Washington Nationals: To us, the Nationals will always be a Canadian club.

WELL DRINKS:
Rebel Yell Bourbon/Atlanta Braves: To get that authentic Atlanta feel, think of your glass as Turner Field during a playoff game and only fill it halfway.

Mr. Boston Sloe Gin/Boston Red Sox: 10 team stolen bases is as sloe as it gets.

Old Grand-Dad Bourbon/Chicago Cubs: Your Old Grand-Dad wasn’t even born the last time the Cubbies won the World Series.
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The likes of pitchers Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown and Orval Overall helped bring the Cubs their last pennant.

Early Times Whisky/Los Angeles Dodgers
: What better drink for a fan base that likes to leave every game before the end of the 7th inning?

ROTGUT:

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Grain Alcohol/Cleveland Indians: Indians fans didn’t make it through years of torture by drinking Pimm’s No. 1 Cup. Pure grain alcohol mixed with a little H2O from Lake Erie is also the only foolproof way to keep those midges off you. Now you know why Chief Wahoo’s face is so red.

Popov Vodka/Detroit Tigers: The Motor City needs cost-efficient fuel and plenty of it. It’s always fun watching manager Jim Leyland popov after a bad call.

Ten High Whiskey/Florida Marlins: Ten is the projected high attendance for a Marlins home game in August.

LIQUERS:

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Peppermint Schnapps/Cincinnati Reds: What better product to disguise the bad taste in everyone’s mouth in the Queen City after all of the recent losing? Plus, Marge Schott would have approved that it’s German.

“Jawohl! Schnapps ist gut!”

Kahlua/Oakland A’s
: This laid back coffee-flavored concoction suits this ballclub by the bay. On top of this, our own personal Athletics supporter JG Clancy makes his own Kahlua.

Jaegermeister/Philadelphia Phillies: One minute you’re having the time of your life, the next minute you feel like you just got tased. The Phils and Jaeger, perfect together.

OK, it’s closing time. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. Look out for Jillian Brooks, tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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