NEW YORK, NY – Why the hell don’t they name candy bars after famous athletes anymore? Is it simply because the Reggie Bar looked like a pile of cow shit and turned everyones guts inside out? If so, that’s not a good enough reason. After all, Baby Ruth’s are still going strong and Oh Henry! was more than happy to use Hank Aaron as a pitch man, even if the bar wasn’t initially named for him. Sure there have been some missteps, like the Heath Bar briefly hitching its wagon to Heathcliff Slocumb, a pitcher whose performance on the field was as hard to digest as the bar itself and that executive at Hershey’s who suggested one called Pujols, still hasn’t been found.  But such failures should not dissuade the Candy Bar Barons. In a nutshell, naming candy after American sports icons is a tradition that needs to continue. Here are some suggestions.

E5 Bar: Being So Wrong Never Tasted So Wright

The Rexy Bar. Inspired by Jets head coach Rex Ryan, this  500-calorie foot-shaped confection has all the essential sugars you need to keep those synapses firing. You can take your time with it by sucking the toes down to their rich nougat filling, or do as Rex does and cram the entire thing in your mouth.

E5. Named after David Wright’s popular nickname with official scorers everywhere, the E5 is essentially a Butterfinger knock-off, but coated in a high-gloss corn syrup varnish that makes it virtually impossible to hold onto. E5, there’s an error in every bite.

Flunky. This Isiah Thomas-designed candy bar/sleep aid features a list of ingredients that have no business being with one another. However, those that do manage to  choke it down will be treated to a sleep so sound they’ll need someone to call a paramedic.

Paterno Patties have no exp date.

Paterno Pattie. The outside, a proprietary blend of dark chocolate and old black shoes, gives way to a delightful creamy filling with a subtle taste of white sweat socks. Get the sensation.

Slutrageous. Kim Kardashian and Cameron Diaz have teamed up to bring you the only candy bar worthy of sports groupies. Jam packed with nuts, Slutrageous has mounds in all the right places and a sinfully sweet center, but after a few bites you’ll most likely move on to something else.

Kard Candy

Goal-Os. These chewy treats are being marketed directly to New York Islander fans in an effort to keep them from grinding their teeth. Each individual pack features enough Goal-Os to cover a night’s worth of opposing goals allowed while releasing a gentle anesthetic. Not to be confused with DiPietro Dots, which are only available with a prescription.

The Viking Bar. A two-piece candy bar with no second half.

Short Matt after 1 sleeve of Mattomars & 2 Flunkys

Mattomars. Also known as concussion cookies, Mattomars are the snack of choice for MTM writers and editors everywhere. Each bite you take is a mistake. “Mattomars: What to eat when you’re already drinking the Kool Aid.”

Lori Levine or the Jose Canseco video tomorrow? Not sure.  But Lori’s about as good as we got, Bar None.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • TunaNick

    The matt should have a Sucker, flavored Punch.

    • Anonymous

      TunaNick, I don’t know who you are but I like your handle.

      • Tyrone Biggums

        Hello AngryWard, I love the pic of Kim Kardassian.  She looks like she can suck a golf ball through 40 feet of garden hose!!!

  • I stand by my love of both the Baby Ruth and the Reggie Bar… despite what they look like.  I mean… you can’t always go by looks.  Just look at Concussed Matt.  That’s a face only a mother can love!  😉

    The E5 Bar is hilariously perfect for many reasons, capped by the fact that Butterfingers suck.

    • Sams A Fan

      The only thing missing from the E5 bar is some mention of how unclutch its eponym has become on offense.  How all you need to do to get him out is start him high and tight and then throw some breaking stuff away.

  • DonnieBaseballNeverWon

    Kim K at her best. Slutrageous will be in Trump properties world wide.

  • Johnny Rox

    When I started reading this I swore David Wrong’s bar would be Butterfingers, but I was outdone! E5 bar is hilarious!!!

    And I don’t care who you are Reggie Bars were the shit! (no pun intended) I mean they did look like a cow pie, but Babe Ruth’s look like a turd and we all love those!

    Mutt fans are just jealous, ONCE AGAIN, cuz the Mutts never had a candy bar! Here are some suggestions:

    – Loser bar
    – Sub 500’s
    – Summer bars (cuz they only play in the Summer)
    – Bad News Bars
    – Behind Bars (which is what the Wilpons SHOULD be)

    Just some suggestions…

    Go Yanks!
    Go Jets!
    Boston REALLY DOES Suck!

    • Anonymous

      “Behind Bars” is inspired. I am shocked that there are so many staunch Reggie Bar supporters out there, you and Cookie among them. I remember that Opening Day when Yankee fans showered the field with them after a Reggie homer. How good could they have been? I’ll say this though, they were so full of peanuts that they would make for an excellent intestinal bookmark.

      • Sams A Fan

        I think that the Bad News Bars is similarly inspired, even though it is poking fun at my team. I also liked Reggie Bars and always thought that they were simply Baby Ruths just in another shape.  I was 11 or 12, what did I care what the damn thing looked like?  It had chocolate and caramel and peanuts, back when you didn’t have to eat peanuts in a bunker because some 4th grader in a 100 block radius from you has a peanut allergy.

        • Anonymous

          Sam, your peanut allergy comment is easily going to be my favorite of the day. Where were these rampant peanut allergies when I was in school, back around the turn of the century? We made the mistake of sending my kid to school the other day with a PB&J and got a gentle note back in her lunchbox telling us that peanuts are verboten. The thought of brown bag school lunches without peanut butter and jelly just breaks your heart.

          • Anonymous

            If PBJs were outlawed in our schools my son would literally starve.

          • Johnny Rox

            As a child I insisted on PB&J EVERYDAY! My Mother tried desperately to give me something else n I refused. It was peanut butter from the health food store (they had a machine that turned peanuts into peanut butter) and fresh preserves (not that bottled candy they call jelly)

            I traded my PB&J once for something that tasted like frozen cat food sliced on a deli slicer (I think it’s called Liverwurst) and I NEVER wanted anything else but pb&j ever again! I think Liverwurst is a deli meat for trailer trash that can’t quite afford the luxury of spam!!!


            Thanx Cook’s, right back atcha!

          • I got a granola bar (um.. chips and chocolate) back one time because the wrapper said it was PROCESSED in a factory where someone once had peanuts about ten years ago.

            While I get the fact that it’s very dangerous for kids with allergies.. it is still sad.   As I counted the days to my littlest cookie going to preschool, I thought that if I sent him with his favorite sammich.. Peanut Butter and Nutella, I’m sure a HazMat squad woulda been called.

          • Sam’s-A-Fan

            The venom in my remark stems from the fact that I have two nieces with severe peanut allergies, and while I can understand protective parents, I think that my sister and bro-in-law, while well intentioned, have created one of the most anxious kids on the block.  And since they’re not rich, um I mean job creators, my niece is going to have to foot all those shrink bills herself. 

          • Anonymous

            Sam you are on FIRE today. Job creaters is brilliant.

        • F*ckin’ A-Right Sam.  PRECISELY.   Chocolate, caramel and peanuts is the candy confection trifecta.   That nougat crap is for idiots.

      • You just don’t understand Ward.   Trust those bars were good… fans we’re just paying homage… as in ‘You’re so good.. they named a CANDY BAR after you.’    I know.. hard to get as a Mets fan.   The E5 would suck so much fans would actually be able to stone Wright to death with them. 

        I mean.. what could the Mets have had?   A bar called Carter Crap?  The Piazza Beard Bar?   (Boom goes the dynamite.  I can’t wait to see where this post goes now.)

    • Johnny Rox.. you’ve got good taste in candy bars AND baseball teams.  Good man.

  • Obliqueoutlook

    Reyes will be with the Red Rox next season. Say goodbye today.

  • Anonymous

    I understand that there is a Fu-Bar in production in anticipation of the official collapse of the Red Sox and the Braves.

    Also a WTF Bar commemorating the DBacks ascent from worst to even worse to first!

    • Anonymous

      The Red Sox bar should be called something like The Fenway Foldo, the only candy bar that easily folds up and fits in your pocket.

      • Or how about just calling it ‘Crap Crammed in an Overpriced Wrapper?’

  • I was at Yankee Stadium opending day 1978 when they gave out the Reggie Bars for free.  Reggie hit a HR in his first at bat in the first inning (Muson on second after a two-out double as I remember it) and the place went nuts and showered the field w/ Reggie Bars.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, I know, they gave them out for free. It wasn’t like the fans bought them outside and took them to the game. I’m sure some fat ass like Carlos May asked the grounds crew to save the bars for him.

    • Anonymous

      You mean, “the place went caramel and nuts.”

  • Kardashian, Diaz, and Slutrageous jam packed with nuts.  Outstanding!!!…and true!  Thumbs up to the Reggie Bar and Reggie Bar lovers.

  • Whatsamadafayou Bar–For Yankees rooting Italian fathers whose offspring are Mets fans.

    • Johnny Rox

      Hey Cheese, whadda ya think about this Retard (Wayne Simmonds) playing for the Silladelphia Flyers calling my boy Avery a “Faggot”? How’s this any different from having a banana thrown at you, which happened to him a few nights earlier??? I’m not offended by ANYTHING, but ya can’t cry about an offensive suggestion then hurl derogatory names!!!

      HOWEVER, if ya do, MAN UP AN ADMIT IT! He said he doesn’t recall what he said!

      Sorry if I offend anyone, but he’s just being a PUSSY!

      He might wanna consider playing soccer, he’d fit in nicely!!!

      • J-Rox, When will NHL players stop feeding the beast, if not pest, in Avery?  His job is to get under the skin of the opposition and outward signs of retaliation, slurs and otherwise, is admitting you’ve fallen for his antics.  Part of me cannot stand Avery then part of me Iikes him for being a guy serving a purpose for his team.  His on-ice skills aren’t too shabby.  Simmonds will be lucky to be around in Philly for the whole year.  Flyers are loaded and have talent waiting to make the parent club.

  • Anonymous

    This post (and these comments) gave me some good “snickers.”  Unfortunately, my mouth is still chewing that headline, it’s going to be stuck in my teeth all day.

    • Anonymous

      Craig, as I’m sure you’re well aware, the headlines have been taken out of our hands like so many M&Ms. My title orginally read: “Candy Everybody Wants,” but got lost in the MTM Uniblab Editron 2000.

      • Anonymous

        Somebody check the Uniblab for a concussion. 

  • Wisconsin Walt

    I am sorry for the Mets being snake-bit but what do think Ryan Braun and Reyes should do? Should they play?

  • **THIS JUST IN:  CAMMY DIAZ NO LONGER DATING A-ROD.  She’s SLUTRAGEOUSLY moved onto different nuts.. just like Angry Ward called it.**

    • Anonymous

      Maybe she’s allergic to nuts. If so, perhaps a good transitional man for Cammy would be Lance Armstrong. No sense going completely cold turkey.

  • Different Matt

    How about the 100 Grand bar the Mets are giving to Bobby Bonilla every month for the next 25 years.

    • Anonymous

      Charleston chew on this Diff. I refuse to call it anything other than it’s original name: $100,000 Bar.

      • Different Matt

        Don’t go Nutrageous, AW. Mike and Ike (Pelfrey and Davis) will make sure losses are good and plenty at citi field.

        Gues A-Rod had enough of Cameron Diaz’s Kit Kat. Kate Hudson had better Mounds anyway.

        • Anonymous

          His first wife was more of an Almond Joy. Sometimes you feel like a nut…

  • Anonymous

    The Mets just can’t get anything right… ever. Pulling Reyes after one at-bat in today’s game so that he has a better chance at winning the NL Batting Title is so lame I don’t know where to begin. I look forward to the explanation after the game. I bet anything that Collins says it was his decision, but Reyes should never have let it happen. As good as he can be at times, maybe he should just go play somewhere else.

    • Anonymous

      Let Jose have his day.

    • Different Matt

      Word is reyes asked to be taken out if he got a hit his first at bat.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry got on here late but wow I would love a Rexy Bar right about now.  The fact that Cookie loves the Reggie Bar means it couldn’t be that bad.

    • Thanks Grote.  Clearly you’re a guy who knows a sweet when ya see it!

  • vinny from brooklyn

    taking reyes out was bush league

  • Junior

    The sexy rexy bar sounds toe-tastic!!

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