ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY SUCK

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Last call?

BRONX, NY - I was sitting around minding my own business last week, when a nasty piece of news arrived in my e-mail inbox, courtesy of Tall Matt. It seems there’s a fairly substantial rumor floating around that one of the most-celebrated pubs in the Bronx, The Piper’s Kilt in Kingsbridge, may be going out of business. The prospect of this closure hit me in the gut like a dozen White Castles washed down with a bucket of nails. After all, this is the place that was my gang’s underage drinking haven during the 80s, the last reliable burger in the neighborhood, and a joint whose all-you-can-drink from noon to three weekend brunches spawned dozens of drunken MTM column concepts and various laughable Fantasy Football trades. Now it’s gonna be a Spanish-American restaurant (or so they say) in an area that’s already filthy with Mofongo Houses, Empanada trucks, and Arroz con Pollo Greasy Spoons. If this is progress, then progress stinks. Look, I’ll fully admit I was an early bloomer in the crotchety old man department but I’m really fed up with the following so-called improvements…

Stadiums. It all began when they moved my beloved Minnesota Vikings out of the frozen confines of Metropolitan Stadium in Bloomington and into a soulless indoor blown-up sandwich bag known as the Metrodome. Ever since then, I have not been very fond of  new stadiums. They always seem to promise more and deliver less. Citifield? Great Burgers but an architectural abomination. New Yankee Stadium? Great, for those who wanted a Wall Street Steak House in the Bronx, not so great for regular old baseball fans. MetLife Stadium? I may hate the new home of the Giants and Jets more than any of the others, and was reminded again this past Sunday: Long bathroom lines, very few escalators, and the overall look and feel of a poorly-designed maximum security prison.

Vikes/Rams like they oughta be

Uniforms. With a few minor exceptions, every time a team alters the look of their uniform it’s for the worse. And in some cases, much worse. The uniform atrocities committed by the Mets have been well-documented  on this site over the years, yet they only seem to add more to the mix. There’s an organization that listens. Almost across the board, whenever an NFL team tweaks its appearance it’s a big mistake. The Patriots, Rams, Chargers, Falcons, and even my Vikings are among the teams have made changes for the worse over the years. When you can’t figure it out, your default should always be “go retro.” Not so fast Jets, that doesn’t apply to you and your Titans unis. As for the NY Islanders, is this the last we’ve seen of the Gorton’s Fisherman? Stay tuned.

Television. There used to be a time when baseball playoff and World Series games were played in the afternoon. And it was damn good. Same goes for the NFL which no longer starts postseason games before 4:30 or so. I understand the lure of primetime dollars but does no one care about us palookas who counted on those afternoon contests as an excuse to start drinking early? And what about the children? What about those scrappy tykes who so badly want to watch these games as they proudly fetch their besotted Dads another cold one?  Speaking of the kiddies, and apropos of nothing (except my own sanity), I would also like to implore the powers that be at Nick Jr. and PBS to stop f-ing around with their television lineups. The last thing parents need to be doing is playing whack a mole with the remote trying to find “Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!” or “Franny’s Feet” at what used to be their scheduled times while their kids go nuclear.

New Broncos Receiver Wubbzy

Underwear. We here at MTM fully support the changing of underwear. We also like that old joke about the bedraggled Italian Army during WWII finally being told by their General, “Today is the day we change the underwear!”  (raucous cheers) followed immediately with “Francesco you change with Giovanni. Giuseppe you change with Paolo….”

Team Names. The one that really stands out like a sore thumb is the Washington Wizards. If ever there were a perfect name for an NBA team playing around D.C. it’s the Bullets. Hell, Gilbert Arenas proved it. Also, it’s one thing to replace a name that might be found offensive, but try to come up with something that sounds a little bettter than a menstrual typhoon, okay St. John’s?

That’s it for this week. I gotta go grab a burger and a bourbon before everything goes to hell. Lori Levine, one of the rare good changes this site has ever made, is back tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • All Blacks Rule

    Mate, if you don’t go to your pub, it will close. Penalty to you for not drinking!

    • Anonymous

      Was there last night ABR. Took my three-year-old with me. She refused to drink though. That might be the problem.

      • Cookie

        Angry.. not to alert you… but if she’s not drinking, it might be time to get on ‘Maury’ for a paternity test.

        • Anonymous

          Oh no you didn’t girlfriend! That might be a good idea. I’ve always wanted to go on TV and chuck some chairs around.

  • Cookie

    Listen Angry Ward… if your kids has you on a bus full of her screaming three-year old friends, there’s no reason you can’t bring her to a bar full of screaming drunk buds who act like three year olds.   Fair is fair. 

    I’ve been sporadic due to the power outage.. so if it’s been said.. forgive me but i must say it:  CONGRATS TO THE ALL BLACKS!!!    Didn’t I call that All Blacks Rule?!?    Clearly.. I’m a Kiwi lucky charm.

    You call them underwears…I call them panties.  Just as Lori Levine.

    • Anonymous

      I thought you called them “tennis panties.”

      • Cookie

        Oh right. They ARE tennis panties. My bad.

  • Cookie

    Pee Ess Angry Ward.  Finding ‘Oswald’ on Nick Jr. is like finding Yankee gear in Junior Blaber’s house.

  • Different Matt

    Its a damn shame about the Pipers Kilt. The neighborhood wont be the same without it.

    Some uniform changes have been for the better. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Vancouver Canucks come to mind.

    • Anonymous

      I actually liked the flamboyantly gay orange swashbuckler and the technicolor v-neck from the future.

  • vinny from brooklyn

    i like the mets doing something right but i wouldn’t care if the walls were yellow if they won. change from reyes to tejada will suck!

  • Anonymous

    AW, how have you gone this long into parenthood without your kids knowing how to work the DVR?

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, the dvr isn’t really an option. I’m not devoting one more second to shows for my daughter or home improvement shows for the wife. The line needs to be drawn somewhere.

  • http://ThePublicProfessor.com The Public Professor

    Rage, rage against they dying of the Kilt!

  • Ed Kranemule

    What ever happened to baseball teams having 2 unis? White for home and grey for the road. Home unis had the team name and the road uni had to have your city. 

    • Anonymous

      Makes sense to me Ed.

  • Anonymous

    How come I’m seeing comments from the Public Prof and Kranemule under “recent comments” banner, but not here?

  • Anonymous

    Don’t fight change, A-Dubya… Our techies swear this is the way to go!

  • Dude

    ahh the angry is back… i likee! bring back the atrocious ’70′s uniforms the white sox, padres and astros wore

  • Anonymous

    Long live The Pipers Kilt. Busty waitresses in referee uniforms slinging suds and burgers while the bartender always has a baseball trivia question at the ready. I say we have the MtM christmas party there before it closes. The Vikes need to move outdoors while the Rams need to ditch those pathetic new unis. They went from top 5 to bottom 5 when they lost the gold pants.

    • Cookie

      Unlike sex where you go from top to bottom immediately if you’re wearing gold pants.

    • Anonymous

      Cookie’s line is funny but I also agree wholeheartedly with all of Grote’s statements. Rams need their old uniforms back and Piper’s Kilt needs to keep those busty waitresses slinging suds.

  • Marty

    Get the remaining drunks together for an Occupy Piper’s Street. Sit in the bar and drink till you get arrested.

  • Brils

    that is good

    • Cheesybruin

      Marty, that is f*cking brilliant!  Last I heard the thought of a Piper’s Kilt sale to a former employee’s family was being considered as an option unless another Caridad Restaurant is the latest buzz.  Grote’s on the $$$ with the chesty waitresses but those black stretch pants always had more than a few nice asses packed inside.  Yes, I will miss one of those places that accepted our fake I.D.s with no questions as underaged boozers…and it was within stumbling distance to my apartment building.  Now, that’s what I call a luxury! 

  • Doc Diz

    The name change game.  St. John Redmen., Darmouth Indians, Stanford Indians….not anymore.  Apparently the people at Florida State, Utah, Illinois and the pro baseball team in Cleveland ain’t so politically correct however.   And let’s all hear it for the Redskins!

    Baseball whites and grays.  End of story.  And wear the pants so you can see the leggins’ for Christ’s sake.

  • Anonymous

    I would just like to say that “Occupy Piper’s Kilt” is an idea that could gain some traction up in these parts. Marty, you are up for a Nobel, if it works. I look forward to the challenge.

  • Tall Matt

    It is a sad day indeed as I drank myself silly over the news at the other Pipers Kilt as I do every Tuesday (and many Wednesdays too.  And Thursdays.  Sometimes Sundays – yes the unlimited drinking is clutch).  I am as against underwear as I am against THE Tall Matt

    • Tall Matt

      By the WAY.  I tried to post this at NOON and it sat in limbo for NINE hours.

      • http://twitter.com/Lori_Levine LoriLevine

        Why don’t you do something about it?

        • Anonymous

          The question of the century, Lori!

  • Junior

    The Kilt’s Breakfast special on Saturday is insane. My eyeballs just got a bit sweaty.

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