Angry Ward Wednesday: 24 Hours In Angry Sports Fan’s Life

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Aaah ooo, Werewolves of NY

NEW YORK, NY - (Monday 7 am) My kid woke me up this morning at 5 am shrieking like a harridan about all kinds of sh!t that doesn’t even register at that ungodly hour. I remember the phrase “someone pway wid me” and random words like “tag” and “waffle.” The upshot is, I’m sleep-deprived and pissed. Perfect time to start writing a column.

(Monday 3 pm) Wow, it took me longer to get started on this than I thought. Kid’s watching the tube as I try to get a few paragraphs in. Hey, speaking of kids and television (which I often do), why the hell is practically every show my child watches made in Canada (or America Junior, as Homer Simpson would call it)? This is seriously weird. You can detect Canadian accents in virtually every kids show, from The Cat in the Hat to Super Why to that annoying little sh!t Caillou, they’re all produced in hoser country. I am genuinely worried that my daughter is going to start saying things like “oot and aboot,” “or-gain-eye-zay-shun,” and “oh-fence.” Doesn’t anything get made in this country anymore besides stupid politicians, Cheese Jax, and toxic waste? Why don’t we just farm Sesame Street out to Mexico City and call it a day?

Donde esta Calle de Sesame?

(Monday 5:30 pm) Sticking with television, here’s an idea for a reality show. Round up former Penn State Prez Graham Spanier, Joe Paterno, and everyone else who knew about Jerry Sandusky’s so-called after-school activities and have them all share a house with him as he awaits trial. But here’s the twist, have all these guys dress up like little kids and each week one of them has to share a room and a shower with him. We’ll call it Jerry’s Kids and the winner is the guy who can go the longest without calling the cops.

(Monday 6 pm) I was just about to grab a cocktail and the wife just shot me one of those, “you need a night off from the liquid comedy, bub” kinda looks. Unfortunately, it appears I’ll be doing this one sober. Great. Just glanced over at cnnsi.com and their main headline reads, NBA SEASON NOW IN JEOPARDY. Good. Not to worry hoops fans, there are literally dozens of basketball movies you can watch and some are so much like the real thing, you’ll hardly notice the difference. Relive Shaq’s high-flying heyday with Kazaam! The depressing documentary Hoop Dreams easily doubles as a highlight reel of the LA Clippers past 20 seasons. And Teen Wolf will conjure images of former Phoenix Suns/New York Knicks lycanthrope Neal Walk.

(Monday 8:30 pm) Vikes/Pack coming on. This should be a doozy. Gotta go.

(Monday 10 pm) 17-0 Pack. Ugh. Maybe I’ll check out the Bob Costas interview with Jerry Sandusky on NBC.

(Monday 10:07 pm) Big mistake. So creepy. Sandusky seemed weird, too. Back to the game.

"Spellbinding Entertainment!" - Ain't it Cool News

(Tuesday 3 am) Can’t sleep, and it has nothing to do with the 45-7 shellacking at the hands of Green Bay. These are the times I really miss having HBO. Most of the time they suck, but during the insomnia shift, they’d always come through with a classic like, Witches of Breastwick II. As Greg Kihn would say, “They don’t write ‘em like that anymore.

(Tuesday 2:30 pm) Sports headlines: Verlander wins AL Cy Young. Roethlisberger has broken thumb. Update! Big Ben just released a statement saying that his injury should in no way interfere with his ability to detain coeds against their will in public restrooms.

(Tuesday 4:57:43 pm) Been well over 24 hours since my last drink. Sun’s already down. I’m toast. Have only slightly more power than Connecticut during a snow storm. Let’s call this one a column and move on.

Stay tuned tomorrow for Junoir Blaber’s NFL QB Review II: The NFC.

 

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • Twelve

    No wonder you are angry!

  • All Blacks Rule

    You shouldn’t spend so much time looking at the clock, Mate!

    • Anonymous

      You’re not wrong, All Blacks. It’s kinda an occupational hazard, what with the time being in the bottom righthand corner of the computer screen as I type. Maybe I’ll just put a piece of electrician’s tape over it. That should do the trick.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        I do that when the ‘Tire Emergency’ light goes off on my car.  Works like a CHARM.

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    I quite like your idea about Jerry’s Kids.   Since Jerry thought the shower play was just ‘horsing around,’ someone should put him in a shower and let a horse ready to stud have his way with him.  Let’s what he thinks of THAT for horsing around.

    And the only thing nearly as bad as the sh*t coming out of that creep’s mouth are his nasty teeth.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

      I tried to argue the legal responsibility vs. moral responsibility thing with people just to explain why its not so black and white and all I get is, “You gonna tell me you see a grown man in the shower hugging up on some kid and you don’t tell anyone!?!” “Damn that, Stop, Run and Tell, like Webster said”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

    Anyone ever notice they ask can you tell me how to get to sesame street but they never tell you!!

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    Ward, agreed on the state of children’s television programming.  The Wiggles are Aussies and Handy Mandy might be Mexican or something like that.  Caillou was banned when my 13 year-old was four and I sensed the slightest bit of whining and pouting in her demeanor.  Oh, the days of Easy Reader, Morgan Freeman and Bill Cosby on the Electric Company!

    • Tall Matt

      I know you’re a closet Magic Garden fan Cheese.  Carol and Paula hubba hubba

      • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

        The one with the long black hair (Paula ?) had instant boner appeal.  And Sandusky, Ohio was the setting of the Chris Farley classic “Tommy Boy”.  

  • Tall Matt

    Harridan – great word.  English lit major?
    Wiggles – in case you need a Canadian break but want to stay within the Commonwealth.
    Sandusky…Ohio.  How the poor town is suffering by association.
    Most late 1970s & early 1980s Knicks not only looked like werewolves; they were werewolves.
    Always a fan of “The DaVinci Load” & “Titty Titty Gang Bang”

    NY Mets announce they will EXCLUSIVELY use their 1960s pinstripe uniform at home in 2012.  Bravo for once although cynicism tells me it will be for one year to honor 50th year in the league then it’s back to the free for all that brought us Los Mets et al.

    • Anonymous

      The Da Vinci Load! Bwahahaha. How did I know that the skinemax-type reference would bring out the best/worst in you?

      Nice to hear the Mets are doing something right… if even only for one season.

      • Tall Matt

        I play blue

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    And I always thought Franklin, Calliou and Little Bear were from Philly.

    • Anonymous

      Cookie may be on to something. I think we should start calling Papelbon “Caillou” this year. That would unnerve anyone. Heckles like… “Nice pitch Caillou!” and “Caillou, you should have stuck to hockey!” and “Hey Caillou, where’s Gilbert?” Yeah, I like this idea a lot.

  • Jgclancy

    Jerry Lewis may sue you for a couple of loonie’s for taking his ” Jerry’s Kids” title , eh.
    Miami Marlins..yes, that’s their name look like they want Reyes….oy vey. And any Mets uniform is better than their new logo.
    Gonna avoid any comments on Sandusky…just too creepy..even for me.
    Go…..Rangers?

    • LaurenZ

      Why do you say even for you???

  • Johnny Rox

    Not to out do you, but I’ve only gotten about 6 hrs sleep in the last couple of days!(and NOT in a row!). My daughters got a fever that just won’t go away, and shes vomiting like Linda Blair! She’s up all night crying and flopping around like that fish at the end of the Faith No More video!

    Anybody notice how MY Rangers are playing??? Kinda not bad lately! And not to say I told ya so but!!! Ever since putting Seany in the lineup they’ve been undefeated! AND Sean Avery (you remember him, the guy who couldn’t score) has two effin’ goals in the last two effin’ games!!! That’s right I’m double EFFIN’. 7-0 baby!

    Anyhow, I’m gonna try and sneak in a catnap. The Jets have a better chance of winning the Superbowl!

    Nice column AW! Good Luck with the shut eye. I’ll leave ya with a quick joke

    Why does big Ben Rapistberger cry during sex?

    It’s a result of the Pepper Spray!!! LOL

    GO JETS!
    GO RANGERS!
    GO Lightning McQueen!

    • TunaNick

      The Jets are the Eagles of the AFC. Self-hyped busts.

    • Different Matt

      Roxy, the Rangers started this run before Avery was back on the ice. But he has been playing well. He should be getting more ice time.

      • Johnny Rox

        I stand corrected, the Blueshirts started this run on Halloween 10/31 against the Sharks. They brought Sean Avery up from Connecticut the next day, 11/1.

        Was it you who was saying Sean Avery couldn’t score? As I said before, I’m not delusional about Sean Avery’s skill level, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t give a 100% every night! I like that!!! It’s more than I can say for some of the other “Allstars”!

        Whats your feeling on Mats Zucarello? Doesn’t he deserve to be in the lineup?

        Go Rangers!

  • Dude

    ward, this sandusky show is inspired, especially if we can get brent mussberger and keith jackson to announce it. cookie’s horse idea should definitely be included… i can just hear brent lauding “that towel snap by SAN-dus-KY”

  • Cutegirl

    There are a lot of sex crimes in this country…. especially between politics and sports lately. Very sad.

  • Anonymous

    I knew you were sleep and drink deprived the second I read “Sundusky seemed weird, too.”  

    Hang in there, the kiddie shows get better when they get a little older.  Adventure Time is all American.  

    I have to attend two birthday parties on Sunday, the whole while checking scores and how my fantasy and wagers were going, and thought about doing something like this.  Scooped again!

    • Anonymous

      The Sandusky line was my attempt at a Bob Costas Joke.

      Craig, you should live blog from thos parties. Two of them? Sheesh. Though you, me, and Rox probably have a long way to go to beat Cookie. From all accounts her days are jam packed with constant kiddie care.

  • Anonymous

    A-Dubya! Sorry we’re late to the party – we were just getting a head-start on our Holiday shopping. We can’t believe the great stuff you can get just by clicking on the banners on this site!  Tickets, coffee, wine & beer, sitcoms… Flights! It’s… Amazin’…  You can even send flowers… Anyway, Sandusky’s reality show needs a wrinkle: The shower is in a maximum security prison and is unsupervised and open to the general population. @TheTallMatt:twitter will get the releases from all participating inmates, so SAG won’t be an issue… at least in that sense…

    Meanwhile, David Wright is taking Twitter questions, Jeffrey Loria is hell-bent on remaking Florida’s team into Los Mets South (Beach), Calgary’s Lee Stempniak’s dog has rattlesnake training and Joe Maddon & Kirk Gibson are Managers of the Year.

    • Anonymous

      Agreed, Christmas season is just about upon us. Let’s all chip in and buy Short Matt a one-way flight on Emirates Air. Anywhere. 

      • Tall Matt

        Thetallmatt? Is that a fraternity?

  • Anonymous

    Sorry aboot the late comments here. My kids have yet to see a so called kids show but my wife and I decided its all pre 60s looney tunes and those 70s cartoons we grew up with. They will be the only kids calling each other turkeys and will learn to stay away from the baby finsters of the world.

    • Anonymous

      I had the very same grand designs Grote, and my daughter loves her some Bugs Bunny, but you can’t escape the inevitable convenience of regular old television programming.

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