Angry Ward Wednesday: Black Friday Deals!

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"Did someone say 'Black Friday?'"

NEW YORK, NY – We’re one day away from Thanksgiving, which can mean only one thing… it’s Christmas! Time to start thinking about that holiday shopping or, in this economy, shoplifting. Luckily, before we start rolling the dice with the ol’ five-finger discounts, retailers everywhere are once again giving us the annual suicide shopping spree known as Black Friday. Someone please alert Kim Kardashian that this has nothing to do with husband shopping. Here now, the deals:

The New York Mets will be sponsoring a Guns for Uniforms exchange where fans can turn in any black uni for a brand spanking new heater. As a bonus, an extra gat for any K-Rod, Shinjo, or Billy Wagner jersey.

All boys pants at Jerry Sandusky’s are half off.

At K-Marts, Wal-Marts, and Mike Martz everywhere, Rex Ryan Snuggies are going for only $5.00. That’s a lot of fabric for not a lot of money.

"So that's how we can beat the Rams!"

Meanwhile, Ryan’s AFC East nemesis, Bill Belichick, is having an electronics sale like no other. Up to 75% off all video and audio surveillance equipment. Crazy Billy is practically giving it all away!

It’s Season’s Eatings in our Nation’s Capital where anyone willing to eat a large portion of Jayson Werth’s gut-busting 7-year $126 million contract will get a free flat screen tv and their name on the DC monument of their choice. As President Obama said, “If we can do anything about our national debt, we may as well do something about the Nationals’ debt.

Come one come all, to a pre-holiday blowout bash at Meshuggenah David Stern’s! 90% off all NBA apparel! 100% off 2012 All-Star t-shirts and commemorative pins. Any customer spending $50 or more will be automatically entered for a chance to host their kid’s next birthday party at an honest to goodness vacant NBA arena.

In Indianapolis, everything must go! Just come on down and take what you want from among the Colts roster. Don’t load up on worthless offensive lineman and defensive backs and you just might walk away with a Dwight Freeney or a Reggie Wayne. Save Peyton Manning’s neck for Clark Griwold’s cousin Eddie though.

"Have I got bargains?"

Speaking of football bargains, just make an offer, any offer, and Minnesota’s Metrodome is yours. No cash? No worries. Interesting trades, such as a t-shirt once owned by Anthony Quinn, will be considered.

Finally, give the gift of life this holiday season, where it’s buy one get one free at Antonio Cromartie’s Baby Emporium. You’ll go goo-goo ga-ga for deals like this. (Diapers not included).

That’s all for this week, turkeys. Tune in for Lori Levine tomorrow, a girl whose balloons rival anything you’ll see in Macy’s Parade.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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