COOKIE’S CORNER: Stuff I’d Like For The Holidays

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ASS CRACK, PA – Tomorrow it will be Christmas Eve. Plenty of Eye-talians (I’m lookin’ at you vinny from brooklyn) will be gearing up for a traditional fest of eleventy-bajillion fishes, shelfish and the like.  I, on the other hand, will be driving three hours EACH WAY (if I luck out with no traffic) to the ass crack of Pennsylvania (or Pennsyltucky as I like to call it) to feast on a fish casserole, topped with orange Kraft American Cheese Singles and pierogies with mealy, lumpy potato innards. The ONLY saving grace is the sauerkraut & mushroom pierogies  – along with my own chocolate chip cookies. They  keep me from STARVING.

Anyway… the MAIN thing I’d like for the holidays is NOT having to drive six + hours round-trip with two kids in tow to my mother-in-law’s, where she and Ciocia (“The Aunt” – as I like to call her), will tell me that I’m “too skinny” and I should eat more. And THOSE are the NICE things they’ll say to me.  So, it only makes sense that since I’m not getting what I REALLY want for the holidays, that I air out the list of other things I’d REALLY, REALLY like:

Ryan Rash:  I’d really love to get rid of this RYAN RASH.  And by that I mean, the views of Rex and Rob Ryan on this site.  Really, MTM IT Staff, do we NEED to put Rex Ryan’s head on an even FATTER body?  And who the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks dug up that picture of those Ryan beached whales?!?  Lori puts her rack up there every week…and THAT’s the site eye-candy we get in return?!?!   I say, BOO, Sir.  A RESOUNDING BOO!”

Charles Barkley As Weight Watchers for MenSpokesperson:  No comment needed. This story will write itself. I promise.

Kris Humphries Stories:  He played the Kim Kardashian ass like Ricky played “Babalu!” on the bongos long enough to see some NBA play.  Good for him.  Can we move on now?

Tea with Tebow: Someone please stop interviewing him about that abysmal loss last week, get him to Bible studies and more importantly, get him to study the playbook for his next game.  It’s ALL we need.  That, some Holy Waterand a lot less turnovers. Thanks.

Bang them skins!!!

The Shannon Sharp Translator 6000: Really, it’s the most innovative and groundbreaking piece of technology since Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots.  Rumor has it Angry Ward has the original and ONLY existing hard copy dictionary of the electronic code -after all, Angry Ward is a real pen and paper guy.  I want one of these… BAD.

Double L’s Please:  If I HAD to guess – feel free to discuss amongst yourselves – I’d say Lori Levine’s  ‘girls’ are WAAAAAAYYY beyond double-D’s.  I’d peg them at that glorious and mythical ‘beyond D’ land.  Maybe Double L’s?  Whatever they are…I’d like those, but kinda on loan.  You know…fer fun when I want ‘em, and NOT there getting in the way of things when I’m in aero on my tri bike.

Nutcracker FAIL

Speaking of tri-bikes…I’d really like a pair of Zipp wheels for racing.  404 up front, 808 in the back and don’t forget the PowerTap so I can measure and boast to the boys about my wattage.  And if you have no idea what any of THAT means, look it up or, as per usual, call the ringleader, Tall Matt and take this topic to blue.

More Cowbell.

A Solid Starting Rotation: That’s right.  You heard me Brian Cashman.  But if all else fails, at least the Yanks will again have much better nut cracking ability than the guy to the right.

Ho-ho-ho people. And at the top of my list for NEXT year, I’d like an autographed copy of the DVD “A Very Blaber Christmas.” Have a great one.  And give a holiday looksie tomorrow for a guy who LOVES his nuts cracked…The Public Professor.

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About the Author ()

Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She's our Angelina Jolie in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and... Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody's business and is one smart... Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.
  • Jersey Girl

    You could make the first two paragraphs into a new Christmas movie. lol

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Dear Cookie,

    You’ve been a very good girl this year and so I hope that you get everything on your list.  Alas, the MtM IT staff being what they are I’m pretty sure that you will find no salve or balm for your Ryan Rash.  Also, I believe that our man Angry Ward’s contract negotiations with the folks at Ronco have broken down, so I am sad to say you will not be receiving the SST6000 anytime soon.  That’s what happens when Ward and Ron Popeil’s estate use Time Warner’s and Cablevision’s attorneys for such delicate negotiations.  Looking over the rest of your list, I hate to say that I think you’re kind of screwed there too, although the Barkley pitchman for Weight Watchers is pure gold so maybe just maybe Sant-y Claus and Hannukah Harry will get together and hook you up like you deserve?  In the meantime I can pretty much guaranty that the Mets will suck for a long time to come so you will at least be getting a renewal subscription on that feeling of superiority that all you Yankee’s fans enjoy so much.  

    As for me, I will have visions of you, Lori Levine, Double-Ls and Tri-bikes dancing in my head to keep me warm during these cold winter nights.

    Happy Holidays!

    Sam’s-A-Fan

    • MIKE TYSON

      Sam – you made me giggle.

    • Cookie

      Who said Jewish boys don’t know the meaning of Christmas?!?!   Why thank you very much Sam.  Like any good girl.. I know not to be so selfish and expect EVERYTHING on my list…. so the Mets continuing comedy, the Double-L’s, Lori Levine and my tri-bike schwag will make me a VERY happy girl!  

      Happy Holidays Sam.  (I prefer the ‘H with KK’ version of Hanukkah.)

  • Johnny Rox

    First off, let’s start with this:

    BEAT YA WIFE POTVIN, BEAT YA WIFE!!!

    Now Cook, you’ve been a VERY good girl MOST of the year! I don’t see any reason why you should be able to get most of the things on your humble list.

    The bad news is your Ryan rash will continue! You see it’s ironic that the Jets wear green cuz all the PATHETIC Giants fans are green with envy! The Jets have a younger, and less experienced QB, and they are already the MUCH better team (which they will again prove tommorrow night!). In an example of just how pathetic giants fans are they insist on photoshopping Rex’s head onto an even fatter body! As if the man’s not fat enough!!!

    Lori Levine’s door openners? No offense to her, but you don’t want em! You’d be VERY buoyant, but propelling your amazing body forward during the swim portion of your competitions would be VERY difficult to say the least! And as Lori herself will attest, Im sure, finding a quality man who’ll take you serious is more difficult than NOT getting noticed while wearing a bikini!

    As for the Wheels, I spoke to Santa PERSONALLY, and he said he’d already taken care of it! Zip ZedTech wheels for you girl! NOTHING but the best! Although, at almost four large, they’re expensive for Wheels that’d be cheap for a tennis bracelet! Mr Cook will not disappoint us!

    Having had the extreme pleasure of working with Mr Shannon Sharp, and his brother on a seperate occasion, I got a huge kick out of the SS translator! AW knocked it WAY out of the park with that one!

    Now that we determined who the dominant Hockey team is in NY let’s prove how inferior the Giants are to the NY Jets! Oh and Cook, feel free to hop on the bandwagon at any time, I’ll save ya a seat! Now that Lori showed her support for the jints, I was hoping you’d post a pic of you in a pair of Jets boy shorts! A man could dream can’t he? lol

    Go Rangers!
    Go Johnnies!
    And

    J E T S
    Jets! Jets! Jets!

    • Cookie

      Oh Roxy.. you’re such a doll for paying attention to my list and your kind words.  And you even know what Zipps are.  HOO-RAY!!!  Indeed… I need those things (knockers) NOT getting in my way in aero position.  The goal is to go FAST!!

      As for the boyshorts… I’d like to say that was a remote possibility but it is not.  Alas.. I am a Broncos fan.  Strategically placed Bible.. yes.  Jets booty shorts.. NO.  (Yes.. I am going straight to hell for said Biblical mention.)

      Happy Holidays to ya!

      • Sam’s-A-Fan

        If Cookie posts the pic with the strategically placed Bible, this Jewish boy will convert!  Not to Christianity but to Cookie-ism.

        • Cookie

          HA!!  Noted Sam… noted.  Unfortunately…I have no drive to convert anyone to any religion… so i’ll have to be baited another way.  As Johnny Rox mentioned… the Zipp wheelset I want is some serious cashola… so.. there’s always appealing to my capitalistic nature and love of cold, hard cash.

    • Anonymous

      Johnny Rox: You sissy. You ignored our challenge. Typical Jet fan. And Fireman Ed is a loser. There, we said it.

      • Cookie

        I’d like to know if Fireman Ed is related to The Rangers’ H*mo Larry.. because they REALLY look similar.

      • Johnny Rox

        Challange? What challenge??? You don’t mean your fake wager, do you?
        As for Fireman Ed You’re right, he’s no match for your guy! Um, what’s his name? Oh that’s right, NOBODY!!! You’ve got NOTHING! A bunch of pathetic cry babies who stand their like Popsicles, and make about as much noise!

        You guys WISH you had a Fireman Ed!
        You WISH you had a defense!
        And you WISH you had a Battle Cry!

        YOU GOT NOTHING!

        Bring it!!!

        • Anonymous

          Loser wears other team’s hat until Super Bowl is over.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

    So you don’t want a Blaber Family Christmas tale as your gift Cookie!?! You hurt my feelings

    • Cookie

      Here’s the thing Blaber.  I went back in this morning to edit my post and add as a post-script (before my intro of Public Professor) that for NEXT Christmas.. I’d like a DVD of ‘A Very Blaber Christmas.’
      (Because if you’re making the DVD THIS Christmas.. I’ll have to wait for it.)

      Naturally, Short Matt was in my piece editing it, so not wanting to muck it up, I emailed him that line and request that he insert it.    And.. he said ‘Yes’ and then clearly didn’t do it.   It’s what I get for working for free.    I;m #1 on that list Blaber.  Sign me up for one. 

  • Jgclancy

    Pick me up some Scrapple while you’re living the sweet life in in Pennsyltucky and Merry Christmas!!!
    Go Lions!!!!!

    • Jgclancy

      Oh go Eagles too!!! Beat the cowdirt :)

  • Anonymous

    Kris Humphries made the best business decision ever made by an NBA player by banging the Kardashian Bongos… He’s now drummed himself up quite a bit fame and fortune, simply by tickling the cowhide with his sticks! Yet, once again, he’s the cymbol for playing solo.

  • vinny from brooklyn

    love those pictures. and thanks for mentioning me but i’m not eyetalian or itlalian.

  • Anonymous

    Is that a picture of Ricky Ricardo:  Pet Detective?

  • Anonymous

    Sorry I missed this yesterday since I traveled with the wife and twins to Omaha.  It certainly didn’t seem like the second shortest day of the year that’s for sure.  I assume your trip to the Mothra In-law’s will seem longer for sure.

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