New Years Resolutions: How To Handle Joe Buck, Rex, A-Rod, Mariano & More

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Different Matt

NEW YORK, NY – According to the Mayans, it’s almost the year that will be the last year ever. I know Mets fans would be happy if the world ended. That might be the only way to keep the team from sucking. But before the end of the world, we have to first get through the end of 2011. Tomorrow night, Short Matt will be donning the orange and blue tuxedo at a gala at the Plaza. The party is being funded by the salaries of the MtM writers that we graciously and unknowingly donated to the cause. Over in Times Square, way too many tourists will be standing out in the cold watching and, like Junior Blaber, waiting for the balls to drop.

I’ll be doing what I usually do. Getting blind drunk, depressed, and swearing to make some serious changes. All of that will be forgotten once I wake up deep into the afternoon on New Years Day, though. This year, I’ve decided to make some sports related resolutions that will hopefully reduce the stress-induced agita I deal with on a daily basis due to sports. Lets take a look at some of my resolutions for 2012.

Don’t complain about A-Rod hitting .275. It could be a lot worse for the Yankees. They could have David “E5” Wright at third base. So I will be happy with whatever non-steroid-inflated numbers A-Rod can muster with his bad hip and aging knees. And as long as I don’t have to watch Cameron Diaz feed him popcorn, I’ll be a happy man.

Be very happy every time Mariano Rivera takes the mound. Sooner or later, Mo will retire, leaving a Rex Ryan-esque void in the Yankees bullpen. And it will probably be sooner rather than later. So, I will not be taking any of Mo’s appearances for granted this coming season.

Go easy on Mets fans. They’ve had a tough run these past few dozen seasons. It’s hard enough for them with the awful product on the field. They don’t need me reminding them how terrible their team is. They see it with their own eyes. Although not at CitiField. Nobody seems to want to watch the Mets lose in person. So I will be going easy on the Mets for as long as I can. Even though it’s a lot of fun to see the Mets in misery.

Lets hope the Blueshirts can avoid sucking like the Islanders.

Expect a prolonged Rangers slump starting in mid January. It happens every year so I won’t be surprised when it happens this year. I will be disappointed, frustrated, angry, and depressed. But I won’t be surprised.

Tune out Joe Buck. I think the only good thing about the Giants-Cowboys game being moved to Sunday night is I wont have to listen to Joe Buck talk about how much he hates New York and Troy Aikman talk about how much he loves the Cowboys. I’ve decided that for 2012, I will mute any Giants and Yankees games on FOX where Buck is in the booth.

Now, if I could only find a way to get rid of that damn FOX robot, I’d be a happy man. Check back tomorrow for The Public Professor and the last post of 2011. Happy New Year!

P.s… Here’s what happened the last time somebody predicted the world’s end:

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About the Author ()

Different Matt is our cunning Cornell grad/rugby player. "Diff" joined us just after the switch from being "Mets only" to an all-sports stop. He's a Yankee fan; thus he was "different." Aside from the Yanks, he's a diehard NY Giants, NY Rangers and NY Knicks fan. He also likes long walks on the beach and cappuccinos and nearly died in Las Vegas.

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