Angry Ward Wednesday: Real New York Heroes

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NEW YORK, NY – I know today’s the big Leap Year day and I probably should be doing a column about great leaping catches or wrestling immortal Leaping Lanny Poffo or DJ Leap or even Tiger Beat legend, Leap Garrett… but to hell with that. There’s bigger news afoot. MTM (mostly) silent partner Tall Matt has announced that he’s opening a big-time authentic New York-style delicatessen in Northern Manhattan. While he’ll be serving usual deli staples such as Mattwurst and Chicken Stanley soup, he’s also putting his own spin on a Carnegie and Stage tradition by introducing a line of local sports celebrity-named sandwiches. Here’s a sneak peek:

The Derek Jeter. Matt’s own proprietary Pastime Pastrami piled high between one slice of pumpernickel and one slice of white bread, served with a pinstripe pickle. A real crowd pleaser.

The Rex Ryan. Pigs feet and tongue on a super roll. Accompanied by Mark Sanchfries and an order of  D’Brickaslaw.

The Mike D’Antoni Baloney. Coach D’s favorite thing to eat while he’s watching the playoffs at home. There’s no defense (seriously) against this coldcut classic. Enough nitrates and mustard to fill your breadbasket, but for those wanting more, there’s always a Carmelo Apple.

The Mario Manningham and Cheese. The ingredients are here to stay. We’re 75% sure that the sandwich name isn’t.

"God, please let there be hot tubs in heaven." -Randy Levine

The Fred Wilpon Po’ Boy. Flushing Bay shrimp and phony lettuce on sourdough. You can order this one with or without Madoff mayo.

The Randy Levine Hot Tub Hot Sub. Big juicy meatballs and spicy sausage aplenty on a footlong torpedo. Is this heaven? No, it’s a sandwich.

The Jeremy Lin Eggroll. A new slant on a classic Chinese favorite. Our eggroll is loaded with point guard pork and authentic shredded Harvard Ivy and it’s all deep fried in leftover Pat Riley hair oil. Me so hungry!

The New York Islander. A frozen fish filet topped with seaweed on a stale club roll. The taste that made Long Island famous.

The Jason Bay. 10 pounds of turkey between two slices of wonder bread. A pale behemoth! You’d have an easier time eating a contract.

And Gordon Ramsey has nothing on Tall Matt:

There are plenty more to come. We haven’t even touched the Mikhail Prokhorov Borscht and the King Henrik Headcheese Hero. Not that we plan on anytime soon. Stay tuned for some other ham here tomorrow from Ram Rules.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • Ram Rules

    The manning ham with chese will soon be named the Eddie royale with cheese. 2 for one mcmuffins and big macs today. Hello special sauce coma. Yes please!

    • AngryWard

      Like the Eddie Royale with cheese line, RR.

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    The Randy Levine Hot Tub Hot Sub sounds divine… and I’d pass on the Madoff mayo myself on any sammich.   

    The Jason ‘Dead Sea’ Bay Wrap:   A nutritionless, white flour wrap with a generous helping of Kosher Salt.   Is that ALL that’s on this wrap???  DAMN it’s salty and hard to choke down.  WTF?!? Did I just PAY for this?!?!   Yes. Yes you did.   MOST. UNSATISFYING. WRAP. EVER.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      It’s no worse than the Kei Igawa sushi/sashimi platter deluxe.

      And how about the Billy Crystal’s a Yankee Special – reconstituted kosher ham on a traditional roll, with (Jerry) Lumpke gravy.

  • Amy2ndRow

    I know that pig! That’s not from his deli – where is that?!

    • Grote2Dmax

      RUDY’S.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        someone say RUBY’s??!?  

    • Jgclancy

      Hey–just say the word and I’ll pig-nap him for the New Deli  faster than you can say applesauce… or should I say Halal?

  • Grote2Dmax

    Me so hungry I could eat Jason Bay’s contract.

    • ChibaLotteAkita

       I am not of Chinese lineage.

      • Grote2Dmax

        I apologize I just thought you’d be able to shed some light on the topic.

  • Different Matt

    Is there a 12-egg ham and cheese Antonio Cromartelette omelette.on the breakfast menu? And are all twelve eggs from 12 different chickens?

    • Grote2Dmax

      12 eggs, 11 different chickens.

  • Tall Matt

    A new slant?  Don’t think for one second the Asian pc police aren’t coming over Ward. 
    True story – m first day at the deli some guys calls and asks if I have pig’s feet.  “Sure” I sez “I got pig’s feet.”  “What do you do for shoes” the bastard asks me?!  ARRRGGGG!!

    • Grote2Dmax

      I got a great name for you: New Deli.

      • Tall Matt

         I like Ha Ha Fresh

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    The Gary Carter HOF Kid-ie meal – A wholesome treat for any child.  A well framed plate with a small cup of Campbell’s Chicken & 11 Time All-Stars, a BLT on white toast with real Canadian bacon and a world champion big apple (in souvenir top hat) for dessert.

    • Grote2Dmax

      Too bad it is smothered in grave-y.

  • Twinkletoes

    :-)

  • Junoir Blaber

    Let me get two orders of the rex rayn for rex and 1 for me

    • AngryWard

      Comin’ up Junior! It will be coming up later as well.

  • Replacement Matt

    Size orders would be easy: Tall, Short, Junior or Different. Sort of the anti-Starbucks.

  • Cheesybruin

    Loved the use of the word slant for the deLINcacy.  And the Derek Jeter on a piece of white and a piece of pumpernickel is well thought out.  Archie Bunker wants his chair back from you.

    • Grote2Dmax

      Happy B-Day to your leap girl Cheesy.

      • Cheesybruin

        Thanks, I’ll pass the wish on to her.  She’s two (actually 8).

      • AngryWard

        Yes, Cheeseman, Happy Birthday to Lil Miss D. How old is she officially today? 2?

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    WAIT!! Fer REALS Tall Matt opened a deli?!?!  Let’s just have the MtM Holiday Party there!!

    Every great deli needs some great cheesecake.  That’d be me and Lori.. of course.

    • AngryWard

      Cookie, every time the so-called “Hoilday Party” gets mentioned it brings a smile to my face. Looking at my calendar, here are a few sorta holidays coming up that we can use. International Women’s Day, March 8; Daylight Savings Time, March 11; St. Patrick’s Day, March 17. Dang! I won’t be here for that last one. Not that it matters.

      • Tall Matt

         Deli is open for business.  Niggers and chinks are welcome but we don’t want the Irish.

        • AngryWard

          Someone please put a clock on how long this comment lasts. Hey, a Mel Brooks reference is always welcome as far as I’m concerned. I’m not running the show though. And thank God for that.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            How about spick/kikes?  (that’s me.. so it’s totally appropriate.)

          • AngryWard

            This could be the day this site finally gets discovered. And we still haven’t said anything about those greasy wops and lousy krauts.

          • Sam’s-A-Fan

            Let’s not forget the Miserable Fat Belgian Bastards, unless of course you prefer to call them the Sprouts or the Phlegms?

        • Jgclancy

          Waited for me to leave town, eh? Name the BLT (and hold the lettuce for the PETA Vegan freakie folks ) with mayo  after me please  :)

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        me too.  that’s why i keep bringing it up.  that supposed party is the gift that keeps on giving.  I’m counting on it to really keep me laughing as i bring it up in August.

        ‘International Women’s Day’… not to be confused with ‘Chris-Brown-Punches-Rihanna-In-the Face-And-She-Forgives-Him Day.’

    • Ram Rules

      Thats funny.  I though that Lori, and cookie was a Cam sandwich.

  • http://ThePublicProfessor.com The Public Professor

    I am absolutely stunned that you didn’t write a column about the Leap Day.  Good thing I covered it it my site: http://www.thepublicprofessor.com/?p=5913

    • Grote2Dmax

      I love the shameless cross promotion.

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    Girl fave Monkee Davy Jones just took the last train to Clarksville.   Moment of silence please.

    • AngryWard

      Wow. Somewhere Marcia Brady is crushed. No one could play the tambourine like that Limey.

    • http://twitter.com/WestCoastCraig West Coast Craig

      Another pleasant valley leap day.

      • Dude

        cheer up sleepy jean (at least thats how i remember it) is mike nesmith still with us at least?

        • AngryWard

          Yes, Dude, I believe all three remaining Monkees are still with us. Pretty sure Mickey Dolenz lives in New York as my brother has seen him in The Landmark Tavern on a couple of occasions.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            now THERE’s frightening man to ponder aging.  

        • Cheesybruin

          Does anybody use ‘Liquid Paper’ anymore?

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            you beat me to the Liquid Paper comment.   If anyone had to though.. i’m glad it was you Cheesy.

          • Cheesybruin

            Sorry, Cook.  Was any group of has-beens dusted off more than The Monkees?  I mean I think Davy Jones and Mickey Dolenz were even on “Boy Meets World” and Jones played Topangas father.  Can Ward or anybody confirm this?  I was always a Peter Tork fan out of the group.

          • Dude

            nesmith was the only one who could play, and he produced “repo man” so he’s really the only monkee who matters, plus the liquid paper inheritance

  • Cheesybruin

    Tall Matt, for you to consider…
    Name your deli “MEAT the Matts” and have your likeness and Shorty climbing a large salami or baloney with you stepping on your pals face keeping this site’s logo as the store’s signage.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      I like it!

  • AngryWard

    As Jeremy Lin would say: I’m a bereaver.

    • ChibaLotteAkita

       The humour is understood but not funny to all.

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