Drugs: Lin, Lance, Lundquist, Carter & Whitney


Hangin' on the corner

STREET CORNER, USA – Drugs seemed to be the theme of the week: those who took em`, those who deny taking `em, and those who never will take `em.  So let’s consider then, who’s a druggie and who ain’t.

As Cookie mentioned yesterday, Lance Armstrong recently took second place in a competitive half Iron Man triathlon. Lance took the drugs necessary to beat nut cancer, but denies ever having taken the drugs necessary to squash the competition in five consecutive Tour de Frances. Could he be juicing for his bike-run-swim fest? 50-50.

Gary Carter took all the drugs he could, but in the end they couldn’t match Lance and whip cancer. The Kid succumbed earlier this week after a protracted battle. Hats off to a Hall of Famer, a fighter to the end, and one of the best damn Montreal Expos to ever take the field.

Whitney Houston’s final embrace of Neptune in a hotel bathtub owes much to pills and booze. It’s also a classic way to go for a troubled celeb to go, and conjures memories of playwright Tennesse Williams and manly-man actor William Holden bowing out in the early 1980s.

Bill Holden: Man

Holden died in his Santa Monica apartment in 1981 after slipping on a throw rug, hitting his head on an end table, remaining conscious, and bleeding out over the course of a half-hour. A half-hour! As my dad said at the time, “Looks like old Bill Holden fell off the barstool for the last time.”  Meanwhile, in 1983 the 71 year-old Williams was in his room at the Elysee Hotel in New York when he choked to death on an eye-drop bottle cap. There were plenty of barbiturates in the room, and they’d probably crippled his gag reflex.

And so now whenever a Houston song pops into my head, it morphs to reflect the mood. I can’t escape hits like “Didn’t We Almost Have Cocaine” and “I Will Always Love Drugs”.

New Knickerbocker superstar Jeremy Lin has probably never done any drugs. Because he went to Harvard and is too smart for that? Puhleez. Rich kids love dope. It’s because he’s a hardcore Christian who’s busy contemplating how he “can trust God more.” Though it’s worth noting the Christian Post is reporting that Kim Kardashian wants to jump his bones. Why the Christian Post of all places is covering that, I can’t even begin to guess, but the squeaky clean Lin might end up with a lifetime prescription to Valtrex if he gets too close to Kardashian.

Gets me high

And finally there’s Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist. I don’t think he gets stoned, but man does he stone opposing teams. The guy is having such a good season that even The Wall Street Journal is talking about it, claiming he’s the most indespensible athlete in all of Gotham. No end to the journalistic disconnects this week.

While I don’t know if Lundqvist is really New York’s best, I’ll publicly cop to getting high from watching him tally saves and wrack up shutouts. And if the `Gers get to booze it up with the Cup, he’ll be the main reason why.

Cheesy Bruin‘s cup runneth over tomorrow. Check it out.

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Mattville’s George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn’t have a cell phone or cable, he’s crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward’s Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist’s by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: ThePublicProfessor.com (http://www.thepublicprofessor.com/).

  • That is King Henrik to you peasant !!

  • Marcel Dionne

    Hank L is most definitely hockey royalty but if the Rangers upset the apple cart too much for Steve Nash, they may ruin a good thing. Dubinsky, the Boston College kid and draft picks would be okay but adding Stephan and MacDonagh would be too much.

  • Gfella80

    Gary Carter will ALWAYS be remembered as A MET NOT A MONTREAL EXPO!!!! 86 METS BaBy!!

  • You gotta love a great goalie.  Lundqvist is incredibly exciting to watch.

    Bleeding out for over a 1/2 hour from a head wound.  That’s a pretty crappy way to go.  But i guess if you’re drunk while it’s happening maybe not.

  • MeetTheMatts

    P.P… Great work, especially since you’re A) Not a Mets fan B) Not a Rangers fan and D) Not a Whitney Houston fan – outside of your karaoke room.

    • B: I am in fact a Rangers fan!  It’s just that Hockey is well down on the list for me.  Beautiful sport, I readily acknowledge, but I just don’t follow it that much.  

      • MeetTheMatts

         You’re a closet Caps fan.

  • Lance Armstrong will have a tough time ever convincing people that he wasn’t, or isn’t still doping. 

    Jeremy Lin is high on Jesus. Unfortunately he forgot to drink his Jesus Juice last night. 

    • Cookie

      Like I said..one week….done. (Tho remember I DID NOT say ‘Chink In the Armor.’. That was the brain trust at ESPN.

      Lance..doping again?? We’ll see. Endurance is an entirely different game.

  • Stevenjacob

    Great article Matts! I will always love drugs too!

  • AngryWard

    Holden went out the way Hemingway should have. As for myself, I’ve already started putting foam guards on the pointy edges of our coffee and end tables. I say it’s for my kid, but we all know better. Just a reminder kids, Dark n’ Stormy season is just around the corner.

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Are we sure that Lin never went one toke over the line sweet Jesus?  I mean the kid does have, and I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, Chinese eyes.

  • Downtown

    Boy, this site has changed in the past 2 years! It’s a real site now, with real writers! McCarthy, you can’t be behind this. It’s gotta be the Different one or the Angry one.

  • Cookie

    THIS JUST IN: Whitney Houston. Still Dead. Still Not Buried (tho we ARE getting closer.)

  • Big Fat Toad

    Linsanity ended with the Mardi Gras team last night. Carmelo comes back and starts shooting and pouting and D’Antoni gets fired for the shit coach he is. 

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