Angry Ward Wednesday: Storage Wars (MLB Edition)

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Ruggedly Good-Looking Kent Tekulve

NEW YORK, NY - Not sure how many of you out there are familiar with the show Storage Wars on A&E, but for those of you not in the loop here’s a brief primer. Its basically a reality program that revolves around abandoned storage facility lockers and the small group of assorted wingnuts and weirdos who bid on them in auction. Anyway, the show’s producers have teamed up with Major League Baseball for a spinoff entitled, Storage Wars MLB.Today, we’re getting an unprecedented sneak peak at some of the lockers on the block. Let’s see what we find.

New York Mets. Lot of cobwebs in here. What’s this? Looks pretty old. A bunch of potting soil and tomato seeds marked, Joe Pignatano. Here’s a book that says Sports Medicine for Dummies. Holy Crap, the old mets baseball cap bullpen cart. Pretty cool. There’s something on the front seat. A case of Budweiser with Dallas Green’s name on it. There’s something else back here. Something big. Yikes! Bobby Bonilla! What the hell are you supposed to do with this piece of junk? It’s too ugly to even function as some sort of deformed cigar store Indian. That bullpen car might fetch some money but the rest of this stuff is mostly garbage.

Oakland A’s. This one’s fairly empty. Here’s an unopened box of Schick razors with Joe Rudi’s name on it. What’s that over there? Looks like three pairs of MC Hammer parachute pants. There’s also around five or six dozen boxes of Charlie Finley orange baseballs, a large crate emblazoned with the word BALCO, and the bleached bones of what appears to be Art Howe. I could see JGClancy taking a shot at this one.

Charlie had some balls.

Pittsburgh Pirates. A bunch of ’70s pillbox Pirates caps with Stargell’s Stars on ‘em? Cool! Manny Sanguillen’s catching equipment and batting helmet. CheesyBruin would love this. Here’s a whole mess of Kent Tekulve aviator glasses and one of John Candelaria’s old disco suits. Holy crap! I can’t believe it. A mint-condition, barely used Andrew McCutchen. This kid’s only 25! Someone’s really gonna hit the jackpot with this unit.

New York Yankees. Oh my God, something reeks in here. Whoa!, I just tripped over a box of Hideki Irabu’s magnets. Still, what stinks? There goes Phil Rizzuto’s cow. Looks like it’s seen better days, but that’s not what smells. Here’s a box that says: Billy’s Medicine. Should have known… Jim Beam. That stench is getting stronger. Ah, I see, it’s Kei Igawa. They really should get some glade plug-ins for this thing. Nothing of much value here.

Chicago Cubs. Steve Bartman and a mummified goat. Let’s move on.

Toronto Blue Jays. This is interesting, a whole bunch of stuff from old Exhibition Stadium. What kind of stadium name was that anyway? There’s the seagull Dave Winfield killed. This Dave Stieb jersey is pretty cool. Here’s a bunch of useless Canadian currency. A bunch of Bryan Adams albums? I bet someone will make a play for this one.

Despite the opinion of some Yankee fans, Winfield was not for the birds.

OK, let’s check out the last locker.

Atlanta Braves. Now this is curious. Nothing in here but a giant box with the words: 1990s Braves Pitching Staff Strike Zone. Tom Glavine should have taken this to New York with him. A lot of people can use something like this. I smell a bidding war. Well, anything’s better than the smell of Kei Igawa.

That’s all for this week, auction enthusiasts. Come back tomorrow for a true treasure, Lori Levine.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • Ed Nelson

    Charlie O had some great ideas – not as good as the ideas that come from you folks though! I do keep up. 

  • http://twitter.com/DeclanYeats Declan Yeats

    Very clever, Angry Man. Barberie and I could use you on RugbyWrapUp.com… And McCarthy actually gave us a good hard news piece:
    http://youtu.be/KczLtTr1jmU

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    Of COURSE you wouldn’t like the Yankees’ locker.  But.. i love this piece.. so we’ll let it pass.  

    People still have no idea what that old, hunk of Johan is worth.  Trash or treasure?  We shall see. 
    Naturally there’s a BIG UNIT that also has a dead bird in it.  The dead bird units never cease to entertain.  

    The Cards unit has a big MOLE in it.. but like i said before.. it’s gonna be HUGELY entertaining.  Good thing they got Mark McGwire’s gigantic head out of it a few years back and put some stuff of more pure value in it.

    • Ram Rules

      Whitey Herzog, Mike Shannon and Tony La Russa use the cards unit on a regular basis to sober up.  They made a bed out of unsold Bernard Gilkey jerseys and burn Albert’s left over bats to keep warm.

      however, The most damning thing in there is probably the collection of Chicago Cub Voodoo dolls.

      there is a Mark Grace, a Ryne Sandberg, Mordecai “three-finger” Brown and my personal favorite Bruce Sutter.

      He got his ring with the birds. 

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    The Pirates locker doesn’t have a thimble sized container half filled with Dale Berra’s talent, and about 20 keys of yayo?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johnathan-Wicklow-Barberie/100002678012365 Johnathan Wicklow Barberie

    Searching one’s closest is risky business!

  • http://ThePublicProfessor.com The Public Professor

    I think If I could find some pinstripes and tinted MacAruthers, I’d be a dead ringer for Tekulve

    • AngryWard

      You are every bit as handsome. If not more.

  • Jgclancy

    My A’s box has a Mark McGwire bobble head in it….he looks so much smaller as an Athletic than as a Cardinal??? 
    Go Aztecs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • vinny from brooklyn

    haven’t heard those names in a long time! made me laugh.

    • AngryWard

      Vinny, bringing up those old names is better than thinking about what kind of backwards voodoo the Mets training staff is going to perform on Ike Davis to cure his Valley Fever. With that bunch, I read the obits as much as I do the sports pages.

      • Sam’s-A-Fan

        I’ve heard that they plan on using a hybrid approach of trephination and leeches. 

  • SentFromMyBlackberryWireless

     Manning, Colts Parting Ways
    By Jarrett Bell, Jim Corbett and Tom Pedulla, USA TODAY Updated 2h 30m ago

    The Colts will hold a news conference Wednesday at noon ET to announce that they are releasing the NFL’s only four-time MVP and the most prolific passer in franchise history, according to former Indianapolis vice chairman Bill Polian, now an ESPN analyst.

    Peyton’s older brother, Cooper, also confirmed that the Colts will take a new and surely controversial direction. Peyton, who turns 36 on March 24, missed all of last season after his third neck operation in 19 months. He was owed a $28 million payment by Friday if the Colts chose to retain him.

    • Tall Matt

       Jeez they couldn’t wait until Thursday?  Jets – Dolphins – Skins – Chiefs – and sleeper Titans.  PM played college ball there.  Wherever he winds up – Best of luck buddy  signed, the guy in the Mets hat.

      • MeetTheMatts

         We’ve been clamoring for the Jets to ax Fatty and hire Cowher to coach Peyton. That would be an all-star move…

        • AngryWard

          Peyton doesn’t need a coach. Same goes for the Shaskys.

    • AngryWard

      Why did it take three guys to write that one paragraph?

      • Tall Matt

         Be

        • Tall Matt

           cause

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Because it’s football.  It’s complicated.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Billy’s medicine is a great cure all.  Makes you a tad unpredictable, though.

    • AngryWard

      On the contrary, I think it makes you very predictable. For instance, you knew that no matter who you were, Billy Martin wanted to slug you in the mouth.

  • Randy Levine

    Never noticed Kei’s smell.

  • MeetTheMatts

    Dave Winfield’s storage container is filled with allegations he has herpes. Enjoy your lunch.

  • Different Matt

    That Mets locker with Bobby Bo will be an expensive one. That’ll run you $1mil each year for the next couple of decades.

    That ’90s Braves Pitcher Strike Zone box must take up the entire storage unit. and probably a foot on either side of the unit.

  • http://twitter.com/WestCoastCraig West Coast Craig

    Barry Weiss would bid on this column sight unseen.

    • AngryWard

      I knew I could count on you to know that show Craig. By the way, is it me or does Barry seem like Bob Evans’ brother?

      • http://twitter.com/WestCoastCraig West Coast Craig

        Maybe he’ll show up with Ali MaGraw one episode.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        I know that show too.  And i love it.  The Texas version is weird.  The one guy with too much tan is slimy.. but the guy with the big schnoz and mustache.. well that just looks like those fake glasses, mustache, schnoz combo… but real.. and that’s just FUNNY.

  • Ram Rules
    • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

      What a Dad wouldn’t do for his daughter.  The way Thomas has played this year they should let Laser-Dad work as the goal judge behind the net.  Good work, RR.

      Even better work, Ward.  And yes, I would bid on the Pirates locker.  Sanguillen always had that trademark Third World type smile. 

      As for Finley’s Flourescent baseball…do you remember when Kingsbridge Little League experimented with those on a for practice only basis?  Hmmmm, what would a KLL storage bin look like:  Benny Benson’s empty Budweiser cans, Max Schlite’s Tiparillos, Charlie Bubula’s Pepino’s menu, USPS-issued pants, and crumbs from an Italian hero.  Not to mention Cazzie’s OTB betting slips.

  • Yankee Joe

    You kidding me Wardinia about this?! The Mutts storage is full of slogans for a shit team whole the Yankees storage is filled with Hall of fame placks and world champ trophys!!!

    • oblique outlook

      It’s also filled with drunks, wife-swappers, convicts, liars, steroid users and bad contracts.

      • Johnny Rox

        The Mutts lockers (they’ve got MANY) are ALL FILLED WITH EXCUSES!!!

        No room for anything else.
        So pathetic!!!

        J…

  • Wisconsin Walt

    Great as always, Ward! I am actually sad about Manning but 28 million is crazy!

  • AngryWard

    I’m outraged that NBC New York is letting Sue Simmons go. She’s always been a staunch Mets supporter and drinker. Two things I fully support. She is New York news. To hell with those who made the decision to dump her.  

    • Grote2Dmax

      I’m outraged.

    • Big Fat Toad

       Sue Simmons is a rug muncher.

      • AngryWard

        Yeah? So?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

    Glavine never wanted to be a Met, and they should never have taken him.

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