Grote’s Gripes: Lawyers, Guns & Money

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Richard & Ryan Rockin’ Rainbows On Runway

HOUSTON, TX – This season marks the 50th Anniversary for my beloved Mets. Fifty years of highs and lows. Luckily for you folks… this column isn’t about the Mets.  The Houston Astros organization is also celebrating their 50th Anniversary in Major League Baseball. One thing that franchise has been known for through the years are their uniforms.  The Astros blew everyone’s mind in the late 70’s with their rainbow tops and numbered pants.  They looked like what everyone imagined KC & The Sunshine Band’s road crew softball uniforms would look like. Disco Dan Ford requested to be traded to the Astros immediately after viewing their fine new threads during spring training.

With this stylish tradition, the Astros thought the best way to pay homage to their past would be to wear throwback uniforms from different eras during every Friday night home game this season. Seems like a great promotion to me. Except there is one small thing:  The Astros were initially called the Colt .45’s, as in a pistol.  They only had this name for three seasons but in order to celebrate all 50 years, the Astros naturally wanted to wear their inaugural uniforms on some Friday nights.  “Not so fast,” said Marshall Bud Selig.  There was no way that Bud wanted the bad PR that would surely follow if he allowed the Astros to wear their Colt .45 uniforms because those uniforms had an image of (gasp) a GUN across the chest.  So, in following along with his tradition of being a bonehead to the highest degree, Bud has told them they must not use the pistol.  Now they are going to just erase the pistol from the uniform as if it never existed.

Guns Don’t Kill Baseball, Bud Selig Does

Only someone as delusional as Selig could force gun control on the citizens of Texas and think he’d be hailed as a hero. Let’s just say in America we have The Bill of Rights and The Bud of Wrongs. Well, I’m here to try to help old Bud out with some clever solutions to this predicament.

Singles: Back in the day, a 45 not only was shorthand for a gun but also what record singles were called (for all you kids out there this was due the the RPM speed at which they were played). The Astros can simply add images of record labels from 1962 – 1964 to the the uniforms and no one would be the wiser. It would be great because you would have side A on the front of the uniform and the lesser known side B (aka flip side), on the back of the uni.  Whomever is hitting sixth in the lineup will have the number 6 single for that year, so for 1963 jerseys they would be sporting the Kingsman’s Louie Louie (side A) / Haunted Castle (side B).

Beer: Old Bud makes money hand over fist from beer advertising, so he wouldn’t mind if the Astros acted like the Colt 45’s referred to Billy Dee Williams favorite malt liquor now would he? What would be better than having a nice big 40 oz. Colt 45 on the uniforms? It works every time.

Football: Maybe this could be used as a cross promotion with the NFL, by having the Astros wear various Baltimore/Indianapolis Colt number 45 jerseys from through the years. With such luminaries as Jim Burroughs and Jerry Hill having worn number 45 for the Colts, this is bound to be a sure fire hit with the Houston fan base.

Stay tuned tomorrow for someone who believes in the Bill Of Rights, Angry Ward.

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  • Oregon Pete

    I’m a closet ‘Strohs fan! Selig is retarded. The man should be in a straight jacket.

  • Wisconsin Walt

    It is no coincidence that the Brewers are contenders without Mr. Selig and his daughter in the owners’ box!

  • Baseball Lifer

    Selig’s problem is that he’s old school but he is a huge baseball fan. Miller Park is awesome. County Stadium was a joke.

    • Grote2Dmax

      I’ve been there and it is awesome.

  • Jgclancy

    Hmm..growing up Colt .45 was a malt liquor to me.
    Anyhow, it’s censorship which is always bad.
    Go Aztecs against NC State in March madness!

    • Grote2Dmax

      It is malt liquor and packs quite a punch

      • Different Matt

        And if it works every time for Lando Calrissian, it’ll work every time for you.

        • AngryWard

          I heard Lando once drank six quart bottles of Colt 45 and woke up the following day in bed next to Chewbacca.

      • Opium Den

        IS THAT A PINCH OR A PUNCH???

    • MeetTheMatts

       We barfed all over place for hours after one night of Colt 45 in 9th grade. Still want to empty the innards when we see it.

  • Ram Rules

    It is my experience (growing up shooting various firearms) that the only people that don’t like guns have never shot one before and don’t understand what they are for or what they mean.

    Generally I consider it penis envy.

    I think the people of Texas should rise up and claim this one just like the Seminole Indians protested when the NCAA tried to take away the mascot from Florida state.

    The Astros should bite the bullet wear the uni’s and take the fine. That piece of crap ball club needs all the publicity it can get. No press is bad press.

    • Grote2Dmax

      Stick it to the man, especially if the man is Bud Selig.

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    “Ok, now just ask me what’s on the flip side.
    Just, just ask me what’s on the flip side, ok?
    See? You don’t ask me things like that, do you? No, you never ask me what’s on the flip side.” 

    • Grote2Dmax

      Shrevie really new his stuff.

    • AngryWard

      Hey,Hey,Hey,Hey 1957 Specialty Records

  • http://twitter.com/WestCoastCraig West Coast Craig

    they should compromise and be the Houston Bowie Knives.  

    when I see those awesome orange unis I can only think “Let them play!  Let them play!”

  • Od4life2

    I KNOW IT’S BEEN A WHILE.  HELLO TO ALL ONCE AGAIN. I HAVE A GRIPE FOR GROPE!!!  I READ THIS ARTICLE ON YAHOO THAT STATED THE TOP 100 FREE AGENTS IN THE NFL.  #1 IS DREW BREES.  THERE IS A FOOTNOTE AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE THAT STATES “DREW BREES SAYS HE HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE BOUNTIES.  BULLSLAKIN!!!!! JUST LIKE HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS 30 YARDS AWAY FROM THE RECORD ON THAT MONDAY NIGHT GAME THEY WERE UP 30+ POINTS. ANYONE & EVERYONE KNEW THAT HE KNEW ABOUT THE RECORD!!   CAN U SAY SCUMBAG????  DO U KNOW THIS MAN SUED HIS MOTHER FOR USING HIS PICTURE FOR HER BUSINESS???  WHY IS IT THAT NO SPORTSCASTER EVER MENTIONED THE SAINTS RUNNING UP THE SCORE ON TEAMS AND THAT IS HOW HE BROKE DAN MARINO’S RECORD!!  DREW BREES WAS IN AT LEAST 4 GAMES MAYBE MORE, THAT HIS TEAM WAS UP BY MORE THAN 20 POINTS IN THE FOURTH QUARTER. 

    • MeetTheMatts

       Od4life2: Welcome back! We’d say the Brees’ crime is a CAPITAL OFFENSE.

      • Opium Den

        THANK YOU MTM.  HE’S JUST A DIRTBAG.  THE MOST INSINCERE INTERVIEW EVER, AFTER HE BROKE THE RECORD ON MNF(OK HE’S #2 BEHIND MICHAEL VICK APOLOGIZING FOR KILLING DOGS.  YEAH HE WAS SINCERE!!!!)

    • Grote2Dmax

      Nice to see you OD.  I always thought opposing teams should have taken a run Brees since it was obvious that the Saints were going after QBs.  Kinda like your pitcher hitting an opposing batter after one of his guys get drilled.  That always keeps the other side honest.

      • Opium Den

        WHAT’S GOODIE GROTES!!!  KARMA IS A BIAAATCH!!!  HE’S GONNA HAVE HIS LEG SNAPPED SOONER THAN WE THINK!!!

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

       He sued his mother?  Jeez, even Yankee Joe didn’t sue his mom when she cut off cable to his basement room because he was watching too much Robin Bird.

      • Grote2Dmax

        Lie back, get comfortable here is…

      • Opium Den

        COMO SE DICE???? SCUMBAG????

  • http://ThePublicProfessor.com The Public Professor

    Maybe we can rename them the Houston Roland the Headless  Thompson Gunners.

  • Cheesybruin

    Charlton Heston is rolling over in his grave.  The NRA needs to get involved on this one.  Where are they? 

    Love those orange unis.  Like the old star with the H on the orange cap.  No pictures of Enos Cabell? 

    • Opium Den

      HOLA HOMBRE DE QUESO!!!  I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR YOUR TAKE ON THE LOVELY MRS. BREES???? 

  • Different Matt

    Love the record label idea, Grote. I’d love to see Lesley Gore’s Its My Party batting cleanup.

    • Grote2Dmax

      It’s your party…

  • MeetTheMatts

    [Cue up "Pomp & Circumstance]: It started with St. John’s switching from the Red Men… It was made ludicrous but the Washington Bullets changing to the Wizards… This country cannot afford to cow-tow to these insecure, overly sensitive jackeens… Speaking of derogatory Irish terms on the cusp of St. Patrick’s Day – anyone look at the mascots for Notre Dame or the Celtics lately??? No. You know why??? Because us micks don’t let that nonsense get taken seriously… That, and we all have cousins that look and act the part! So there. Bud Selig, you sir, are a jerkball.

    http://youtu.be/kO6NFZa1gTc

    • Grote2Dmax

      Hurump.

    • Ram Rules

      Soon the cleveland Indians will be the Ohio territory native Americans. If the MLB was so concerned with being PC then why didn’t they just rename the marlins the “Rainbow sox”. Every creed and every color is invited and none of them will show up. Their new uniforms already reflect the name. Just gotta change that name plate to some sort of comic sans font.

    • Opium Den

      THE IRISH HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.  LIKE HOW TO GET THAT DAMN BEER GREEN.  OR WHICH PORKER AM I GONNA BRING HOME THIS ST PADDY’S DAY!!!!

      • Cheesybruin

        Dee-Nice back on site from the Boogie Down!  Holla at ya!  What’s the Booty crop lookin’ like on The Hill this spring?  As for Brees…the NFL helped create this monster and maybe they feel they owed it to him since he almost ended his career in a frickin’ Pro Bowl game.  The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, where people in the 9th Ward are still waiting for progress, and the Saints signing of Brees put a white face on the plight of minorities in the area.  George Bush and other white breads f*$&ed up so badly that the first pale face with a Gorbachev mole would be canonized.  I didn’t buy a minute of it.  I’m certain there were other brothers (Joe Horn)  who did more than their share but didn’t get the press.  QB’s are every bit the prima donnas WR’s are but due to the obvious they get carte blanche treatment from the media and league.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

    Billy Dee Williams is an American Icon for both Star Wars and Colt 45

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