Hockey Is Risque Business

38 Comments

BOSTON, MA – Many of the comments and a few contributors on MTM have spoken of a sports void after the NFL puts its playing season to rest. Some express interest in Spring Training, others March Madness and fewer still, hockey. As an avid NHL fan, I feel it’s my duty to try and promote, if not educate, the guy sitting on the bar-stool next to me about hockey and the similarity of the game’s lexicon to life at home with the wife and kids.

Offsides Always needing to know your audience before broaching the subject of hockey, start with this un-penalized stoppage of play where the skater precedes the puck into the offensive zone. Offsides also happens if the occupier of said bar-stool is a member of the Rainbow Coalition and is a hockey poser. Find another seat, and fast.

Icing The intentional clearing of the puck to dodge pressure in your own zone or the result of condescendingly asking to scratch your better half’s feminine bitch-itch.

Cheesy Bruin

Too Many Men on The Ice This two minute minor penalty has nothing to do with methamphetamine use. It’s a gathering of sexually frustrated friends after all deal with the aforementioned ‘icing’ back at the homestead.

Shots These attempts are as varietal as the two ounce liquor selection behind the bar. After incessant nagging (snapshot) from the Mrs. unload a wristshot—a flip of the ‘bird’ with a twist of the wrist. A volley of the two can result in a backhand or slapshot which is never advisable.

Pad Save Happens every game by a goaltender and once a month by the staple in every woman’s purse. The former keeps pucks from trickling into the net whereas the latter stems the red tide from staining. Heavy pressure is neutralized by stacking the pads to make the save.

Hooking The inappropriate use of a hockey stick and twisted logic suggesting your wife turn tricks to offset financial woes. Oh, so I guess that makes me a pimp. Not so bad.

Butt-ending Some ass worshipers have been accused by the opposite sex of spending more time than necessary on this portion of the female anatomy. For me, ‘it’ begins and ends here. On the frozen surface, this infraction is known to start wars contrast to the nice-nice between the sheets. Simply put—a different type of knob on a different type of stick.

Holding the Stick Any time a player grabs another’s wood is call for a game misconduct. A two-minute foul never penalized at home and always welcomed during foul play. Put a movie on for the kids and lock the bedroom door if the wife grabs your stick.

Boarding For a little variety in your love life, take a queue from NHL referees most disputable penalty call. Need not be into S&M but a wooden paddling and some rubbing of the affected area can be as fun as watching hockey, like today’s Bruins victory over the Rangers in 12:30 PM EST game.

West Coast Craig, tomorrow.

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About the Author ()

A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.
  • AngryWard

    Cheesy, you forgot “cross checking,” like when Short Matt’s girlfriend walks in on him decked out in her frillies admiring himself in the mirror.

    • Just like Joe McGrath of the Charlestown Chiefs?

      • AngryWard

        Exactly.

  • Replacement Matt

    I couldn’t agree with you more, Mr. Cheesy – but I can’t root for the Bruins. And I’d go five hole on the Puck Bunnies anytime.

    • Sean Avery will be the ‘third man in’ for sloppy seconds on the Puck Bunnies.  Going top shelf isn’t too bad either on these gals.

      • I’d take the misconduct with those Puck Bunnies. Nothing like a well timed poke check

  • Marcel Dionne

    The NHL should make you P.R. Director. 

    • Marcel, you were far and away one of my favorite players and in my mind the best ever not to win a Stanley Cup.  The STD line with Simmer,Taylor, and yourself infected many a goalie and more than any communicable disease. 

      P.S. I’ll take the PR job.

  • MeetTheMatts

     Penalty Box… Run with it.

    • Ram Rules

      I was told to hit the box once. But only after I got called for unnecessary roughness on a back door pass

      • AngryWard

        There’s nothing like getting sent to the box for spearing.

    • The penalty box is colored red and you really want to stay out of it if you can.

      • People often get sent to the box after high sticking (see my explanation of ‘High Sticking’ below… uh.. further down.. uh… at the bottom of this post). 

  • Cheesy, sounds like your marriage has more ups and downs than a three overtime playoff game.  But who takes it in the five hole?

  • Ram Rules

    Only ten minutes into the first and it’s obvious that both the rangers and bruins put the foil on today. Loving it.

  • Two marriages, fathered three girls, and hockey is my escape.  Five hole?!?  I’ve been called for a hand-pass more often than scoring thru the five hole.

  • Fellas, I’ve seen the Bruins lose many a game over the years and this might be another one but I’ve NEVER seen Milan Lucic lose a fight.  You’ve seen the reason along with Brandon Prust why he was voted the NHL’s toughest player.

    • Prust took some lumps in that one. It was probably ill-advised for him to square up to Lucic.

    • Johnny Rox

      March 4th, 2010 against Colton Orr!
      Lucy DEFINITELY didn’t win that one!

      As far as toughest player, he can’t get MY vote!
      – The toughest player doesn’t run goalies the way he did Miller!
      – The toughest player doesn’t beat up his girlfriend!
      – The toughest player doesn’t start sh*t after the game is over and you’ve lost!

      Would I wanna fight him? NOPE, but just like Prust I ain’t backing down either! Especially if it helps motivate my team to a win!!!

      So PSUEDO tough guy? LUCY DEFINITELY wins that title!

      And he’s definitely in the right town for that!!!

      J…

      Oh and, nice column Cheese!

  • I like your healthy pour of the 2 oz. shot, not the penny-pinching, technicality of 1.5 oz.

    • Any good bartender will keep the bottle upside down for that extra half second.

  • Johnny Rox

    OOooooooooooooooooo
    OOooooooooooooooooo
    OOooooooooooooooooo
    HEY! HEY!
    HEY! HEY! HEY!
    HEY! HEY!
    HEY! HEY! HEY!

  • CKocur2694

    My man here needs to amend his closing now to update that 4-3 WIN for Rangers over Boston. LET”S GO RANGERS!!!!!!!!! Bruins now 0-3 against us this season. Lucic was a bitch at the end of the game. Add this penalty to you list 2 mins for “Playing P*ssy”

  • Yankee Joe

    BLOWSTON LOSES! RANGERS BEST TEAM IN NHL SLEASY RUINS!!!

    • Regular season means ZERO in hockey.  And baseball, too as the NY Yankers will tell you!

  • Good stuff Cheesy.  As per usual.

    Highsticking:  When a male wood’s is presented for suggested use above the belt… (if you know what i mean). 

  • Simply put…you get three past Lundqvist and you should win the game period!  Bruins play in their own zone has been suspect at best and as of now can’t see a playoff matchup with the Rangers.  We’re missing some key people but that’s no excuse as Thomas has looked very ordinary this year.  The Rask injury might actually help Thomas to sharpen his game with consecutive games ahead of him in the near future.  And you guys GOT to be kidding me about Lucic.  I’m also only stating what NHL players voted on.  They should know better than all of us. 

    • Johnny Rox

      You get three past Henny, and you’re right, that should equal a win! We had twice as many giveaways, and half the time of possession. We also paled in comparison as far as the shots on goal department. In short, we didn’t play our best Hockey. Coming away with a win while not playing your best Hockey is what separates a good team from a Stanley Cup contending team.

      As far as missing key players, our Captain is out! He’s an integral part of our team, not to mention “the Leader”! Sorry your team had to lose, truly. I’m a big fan of hard nosed Hockey, and the Bruins play hard! I hate Boston sports team WITH A PASSION, but I enjoy watching the Bruins play!

      As for Lucic, I think I made myself clear. He’s talented enough that he doesn’t NEED to play the playground bully. When he ran Miller I thought that was one of the most disgusting plays I’d seen in a long time. As far as I’m concerned, he still has an outstanding bill for that! Today he proved he nothing more than a bully and sore loser, and I’m glad my team didn’t back down!

      J…

      • JR, Bruins as a team aren’t playing tough hard-nosed hockey.  A select few are taking hits to make a play outside of the fourth line.  I’m just being objective and NOT making excuses.  They are accountable as a TEAM.  The difference, and a huge one at that, between the two teams is King Henry.  The Sabres tried to pay the Lucic bill but Gaustad caught more than he threw.  Sabres are soft and running the goalie is never a gentlemanly action but then again Looch is not looking for the Lady Byng or Masterton Trophies. 

  • CKocur2694

    Lucic punched McDonaugh in the face twice after the game ended and he’s not a guy who fights. If he wants to put sh*t like that then do it to guys who fight. Not to guys who don’t drop the gloves. That’s why he gets 2 for playing p*ssy. Start sh*t with the right guys on the other team.

    • I don’t think it matters who is in front of you when you’re frustrated.  McDonagh wore a dark jersey and that’s all that mattered to Looch at the time.  If it would have been one of the Rangers ringers we’d all be talking about the mess the league would be dealing with right now.  I’m not agreeing with Lucic’s actions but that’s hockey and any player understands it’s part of the game every now and again. 

  • MezmerizerNYC

    LET’S GO RANGERS!!!! 
     

  • Grote2Dmax

    This would be a helluva playoff series.  I hope it is in the conference finals though the way the B’s are tanking it might be in the second round.

    • I don’t see it happening one bit, Grote.  I didn’t think Horton was irreplaceable but they miss him…a lot.  Peverley is one of their top set up guys and throw in Corvo’s horrendous play and Seidenberg’s underwhelming effort this year and there’s your recipe for failure.  The B’s will open the playoffs against the Sens, Devils, or Flyers and I can see them playing golf early in the spring.

  • I like your style El Cheeso!!

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