Happy St. Patrick’s Day: I’m In One Piece


Me on the slopes

THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN – The groom’s brother was a wreck. He could barely move. All of thirty years-old, he stiffly hobbled about the 1990s condo that passed for a ski chalet like a man twice his age trying to recover from back surgery.

I took it as an omen.

In the last post I talked about the quandary that confronted me: to ski or not to ski? The quick rehash is that I’m performing a wedding ceremony for a couple in May, and so the groom invited to the bachelor party high atop a mountain in West Virginia. What to do? Should I get out on the slopes, even though I’m rusty and was never that good on skis, or do I maximize the other aspects of a bachelor party?

I didn’t ski.

I know, I know, just another sign that I’m a pathetic 40-something who’s watching all the joy in life evaporate. And I’m okay with that, quite frankly.

Kinda like this, but without the women

Maybe that’s not what I’m supposed to say. Maybe I should follow American popular culture’s bizarre dictum by vaingloriously holding onto every fading vestige of youth. Maybe I should pop a Viagra and tumble down the slopes into the arms of a ski bunny half my age.  But hell with it.

This body just doesn’t work the way it used (not that it ever worked all that well to begin with), and so be it. That’s the nature of life.

So instead, I spent most of my time drinking beer and scotch, and soaking in the outdoor hot tub. There’s was also a nice dinner on our second night. I had the scallops and some good red wine.

For physical activity, I went for a nice walk around the mountain. I refuse to call it a “hike.” Unless you’re rappelling down the side of a boulder, it’s not a hike. It’s just a goddamn walk. I don’t know why people make such a big deal out of it, buying “gear” and packing “supplies” to go walking. It’s okay, ya know, somehow I think I can manage to walk for a few hours without having to eat granola and drink water from neolene bottle strapped to by belt.

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see

It was nice. I saw a deer. We had a staring contest. The deer won, of course, but not because I stopped staring first. He stopped staring first, but the reason he stopped is because he realized I was a loser. And then he went back to munching on the lawn.

Goddamn deer.

Anyway, it’s time for the NCAA tournament, and I’m feeling good. I hit 14/16 on Thursday, and I seem to be doing about as well on Friday as I write this column. I’ve got Michigan State over Ohio State in the final.

Christ, what was I thinking?

Cheesy O'Bruin & The McMatts

Thankfully, Cheesy Bruin, who was in pretty rough shape this time last year, is here tomorrow to offer you a much more realistic take on sports and March Madness.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.


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About the Author ()

Mattville’s George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn’t have a cell phone or cable, he’s crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward’s Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist’s by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: ThePublicProfessor.com (http://www.thepublicprofessor.com/).

  • Jgclancy

    “or do I maximize the other aspects of a bachelor party?”–that was my advice as I recallGo Aztecs!!!…wait, they got trounced..Go Aztec women!!!!
    Great first day bracket for me but Friday’s games  hurt a little. One bracket fully intact.
    At least Duke lost  …always sweet!!

  • Jgclancy

    P.S.- Oh yeah-
    Happy Green Day to all.

  • Ram Rules

    I don’t know why everyone is talking about round ball. The NCAA WRESTLING FINALS are today. Go tigers! $&@?! Basketall

  • Replacement Matt

    You are performing a ceremony? What???

  • Indeed.  Two former students, now in their late twenties, are getting married and have asked me to perform the nuptials.  That will be over memorial day weekend.

  • AngryWard

    Sounds like a pretty decent weekend. Great, actually, when you consider that it was in West Virginia. Duke and Mizzou out of the tourney, as well as the Prof’s alma mater Michigan. All this and I’ve barely seen a game. Uh oh, Clancy just rolled into the driveway. Time to head up to St. Lucie and see what crap the Mets are trotting out on the field today against the Braves.

    • Screw you Angry Ward… SCREW YOU!  (Except the bit about the Mets spring training game.  That’s gotta be the only thing worse than seeing a Mets game is seeing a Mets spring training game.) 

  • oblique outlook

    You taught them nothing if they are getting married.

    • They are “professing” their love! Lá Fhéile Pádraig Shona!

  • MeetTheMatts

    A grand day! Especially for such a tall tale from the now-Irish Publick Perfessor! Have you got any Irish in ya!?

    • Johnny Rox

      Answer: would ya like some!

  • Johnny Rox

    Top O’ the FRICKIN Mornin!

    Cheese, both the hiking and the staring contest with the deer killed me!
    You rocked it son!!!

    Today is all about sipping Wiskey and drinking beer!

    I WILL be doing something I NEVER do! Root for the effin’ Devils!

    The Yanks got Pettitte back where he belongs!

    Let’s go Rangers!!!

  • I took a nap today.  That was pretty fabulous.  Tomorrow i ride.   WOOT.

    I guess I should have a drink tonight in honor of the irish.  I know… i’m a good girl that way.

    • AngryWard

      It’s only 7 pm? Whoa! Sun and beer and one dollar hot dogs are a lethal mix. Sorry Cookie.

  • Hold the phone!  You’re marrying these people?!?  They’re letting/requesting you do so?  As a Maryland State employee are you eligible to preside over nuptials?  I know it’s not on religious merit. 

    • Ram Rules

      Cheesy I have been ordained for 8 years now. I’m sure the prof can get some creds. In fact you can too.


      This is where I got ordained. I fact given the religious holiday I will go by reverend rules for today.


      • Thanks for the info Rev., I’ll pass though.  By this stage of the game I figure cheating death and religion just don’t mix.

  • Lost my fav jacket on St.  Paddy’s day

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