Angry Ward Wednesday: Hope Springs Eternal

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Yaphet Kotto audtioning for Frank Francisco bio pic

NEW YORK, NY - It’s 7:52 a.m. on Tuesday April 10 as I sit here trying to bang out yet another MTM column. My kid’s not really cooperating, but more about her later. In any event, I can’t really complain. In fact, there’s lots to be encouraged about these days. The weather’s getting warmer, it’s staying light out later, the Braves are winless… things could be a lot worse. Though this is a bit of a departure for me, I’m gonna try to remain positive today. Let’s take stock.

Mets. As of this writing, the Mets are 4-0 and atop the NL East. No one, not even Short Matt, is stupid enough to think that this will last, but we’ll take it while we can. Hey, this season was shaping up as one, long, depressing funeral, so it’s nice that there’s already something of a mini-highlight reel. The Mets even won a Mike Pelfrey start, by jiminy! Sure, Jason Bay still sucks, but at least he’s not Jayson Werth. That’s the spirit! What else? Oh yeah, Frank Francisco looks like Armando Benitez ate Mel Rojas, which worries me. But until he starts pitching like those carnival freaks, we’ll lay off. Let’s Go Mets!

Yankee Joe and Tampa Joe

Yanks. The Yankees started the season dropping three straight to Tampa. Watching Joe Maddon and Joe Girardi over-manage those games was brutal. And the Yankees continue to lead the league in catcher visits to the mound. Someone please alert the media when they play a game in under three hours. In other news, C.C. Sabathia got roughed up on Opening Daybut that’s no cause for concern. C.C.’s blubber is like #6 heating oil. It doesn’t function well in cold temps. It starts out as sludge and takes a while to warm up. He’ll win his usual 18-19 games but run out of gas short of 20, as usual. Anyway, the Bombers have gone to their vacation home in Baltimore to relax and pick up some easy wins. They should be fine.

Rollerball! Coming to a rink near you soon.

NHL Playoffs. I’d rather leave this to hockey experts such as Cheesy Bruin, Grote2DMax, Different Matt, and Johnny Rox, but I’ll put in my two cents for the hell of it. With all due respect to the NHL’s Western Conference, the East is where it’s at these playoffs. In the first round look for the Rangers and Bruins to advance and let’s hope for the Devils get by Florida too. The winner of the Flyers/Penguins series will most likely resemble the cast of The Walking Dead. Just imagine a second round featuring New York vs. New Jersey and Boston vs. Philly. Those series will be more Rollerball than hockey. And that’s just what you bloodthirsty bastards want, isn’t it?

NBA. The defending champion Dallas Mavericks may not make the playoffs. On top of this, they just deactivated Lamar Odom, who went home to spend more time with his wife Chewbacca. The Lakers, meanwhile look like they could be passed in the standings by the Clippers. This would be great except that it means more air time for Clips fan Billy Crystal. Thankfully Linsanity has died down. Now the Knicks can get on with making the playoffs and exiting in the first round. I don’t really care too much about the NBA so none of this affects me in the least.

Chewie, sans fur.

Golf. Tiger Woods didn’t win The Masters, and that’s good enough for me. How can you root for a guy who acts like a spoiled 10-year-old?

Speaking of children, as I was watching the Mets home opener the other day I asked my daughter whether she’d like to go to a baseball game with me sometime. Her response: “No thanks. It seems kinds boring.” Yeah, well, sure. It wouldn’t be so boring if it were played under the sea by cartoon characters resembling Spongebob or The Bubble Guppies. Bud Selig’s on the case though. He won’t rest until the entire sport sleeps with the fishes.

OK, I’m done. Sure I’ll be good and miserable again by next week. Tune in for Ram Rules tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • oblique outlook

    E5 is out. Seeing hand specialist today. The specialist will tell him he’s a pussy and to play with his bad little pinky.

    • AngryWard

      I am a motivational and demotivational speaker all in one. The Braves win, Jayson Werth goes 4 for 5, David Wright breaks his karate pinky and the Mets lose. You win some, you lose some. At least that ghoul Rick Santorum’s calling it quits.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.  Everybody was fast as lightning… (except for E5).

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    That Kardashian DOES look like Chewbacca and Rangers/Devils, Flyers/Bruins WOULD be DREAM hockey matchups.     Despite lacking the anger, this column gave me just what i needed today (except the nap… i need a nap).

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

      Those would make great match-ups, Rangers would win though. Knicks to make playoffs?? Oh and Cookie, I am gonna enjoy the Mets having a better record for however long it lasts!!

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        As well you should Blaber.  As well you should.

  • Finns

    I like your hockey analysis and well my prediction about the Mets and the World Series appears to be coming true.

  • Ram Rules

    The western conference will win the stanley cup.  Beyond that I refuse to talk about hockey until my blues win a playoff game for the first time since i figured out how my body worked

    • AngryWard

      I wanted to mention that I am pulling for your St. Louis Blues out West.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

        You must have been a prodigy to find out how your body worked at such a young age. They still had Brett Hull then right??

        • Ram Rules

          Hull left in ’99.  our last playoff win was ’04.  I had things pretty much figured out around 2000.  But it wasnt until ’02 that I figured out how to perform the Stranger.  That day changed my life…

    • butch gorings nostrils

      The Blues are solid out of the west and you can’t count out the usual suspects. But with Kreider, the Rangers could have a new spark.

      • Johnny Rox

        I was hoping to have Chris on the team before the playoffs, but Congrats to him and BC on their Frozen Four Victory! Now with Matts Zucharello out its nice to see his spot being taken up by Kreider. Not sure what sort of impact he’ll have as he’s definitely stepping up into the big leagues! Playoff Hockey is NOT like regular Hockey! I think he’ll be fine though! AND the kids a natural scorer!!!

        Thank GOD the playoffs are finally here! Good luck to whoever your team is (unless you root for Philthy!!!)

        LET’S GO!!!

        J…

  • Grote2Dmax

    Let’s get this hockey playoff season started.  You hit the nail on the head with your hockey analysis except there are always upsets in round one.  Lets hope it won’t be at the Bruins or Rangers expense.  They can’t meet until the conference finals either way so we have at least two rounds to go before I have to worry about rooting against the Rangers, until then go Broadway Blues.

  • Tall Matt

    One extra $2.50 seat available for today’s Santana – Strasburg match-up at 1:10p.  The seat was Short Matt’s but he is gamefully employed today – thank God.  Anyway his seat is up for grabs and I can spot the cost of it for a few weeks if necessary.

    Ticket can be emailed or left at will call.BTW – good research AW noting that Mrs. Odom goes totally clean downstairs.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

      You sure Short Matt is not just busy off in Spain somewhere enjoying himself??

      • Tall Matt

        I’ve been to Spain with Short Matt and you, sir, are no Jack Kennedy.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

          Who is Jack Kennedy? I drink like a Kennedy, does that count?

          • Tall Matt

            100%

          • Anonymous

             JFK was Jack Kennedy, you idiot.

          • Grote2Dmax

            He doesn’t know Jack.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            My husband drives like Ted Kennedy.. but minus the DUI cred.  Me.. on the other hand.. should really vodka up before i’m a passenger in a car with him.

    • Johnny Rox

      LOL.

      Is that decimal point in the right place???

      J…

  • ToughGuy5

    Holy shit! The blubber CC thing is classic.

    • AngryWard

      It’s funny cuz it’s true. I thought for sure I’d get a response from Sam’s a Fan with the #6 Heating Oil comment.

      • Different Matt

        I appreciated the #6 heating oil comment. At least you didn’t call him #2.

        • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

          Cap’n Crunch 4-EVVVVER.

        • Johnny Rox

          They’d be calling him DADDY if they ever had to play us in the post season!!!

          Who let the dogs out,
          woof! woof! woof! woof! woof!

  • Different Matt

    Excellent work today, Happy Ward. the Selig bit is classic.

    the best part about the Flyers-Penguins series is that one of those teams will be eliminated in the first round. 

  • buffalobillay84

    How many beers would it take to zing Chewy Kardashian?

    • MeetTheMatts

       How about 2 sixes of O.V. splits from the Brick Bar?

  • WestCoastCraig

    You have to sell the kid on all the crap she can eat there.  I took my six year old to opening day yesterday, and it wasn’t until he got his frozen minute maid and pink slime dog that he stopped complaining.  However, you’ve inspired me to netflix rollerball next time I’m looking for something for him to watch.  

    • Yankee Joe

      Dodgers and Mutts blow in there gay blue

  • MeetTheMatts

    A-Dubya: We just cancelled the order for 1000 Angry Ward seat cushions. We’re now scrambling to come up with a Happy Ward bobblehead. Jeepers… Anyway, it’s appropriate that you’re Happy on this Happy 50th Birthday for the NY Metropolitans… Roger Craig threw out their first pitch in ’62 and again today.  50 years of pitching and the guy is worse now than we was then. Pfft.

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    Dammit!  I would’ve gone to that game if I’d have known about the freebie sooner. 

    Rollerball…another film that shouldn’t have been remade.  John-a-than!, John-a-than!, John-a-than!

    Penguins in 5.  They’ll beat Bryzgalov as if he lived in a gulag.

     

    • Ram Rules

      agreed.  he wont be between pipe he will be taking it

  • Johnny Rox

    AW what, no mention of Pettite???

    The reason your daughter thought the game was boring is because you were WATCHING THE METS!!! LOL

    Smooches!

    J…

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      You tell ‘em Roxy!  

  • vinny from brooklyn

    umpire was a joke in met game for both teams.

    • AngryWard

      He needed a shepherd dog. That punch out of Jason Bay was deplorable. And this is coming from someone who has little to no sympathy for the guy.

  • Jerseywildcat89

    the rangers are going to win it all and the Mets will still end up with a losing record

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