Angry Ward Wednesday: Hope Springs Eternal

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Yaphet Kotto audtioning for Frank Francisco bio pic

NEW YORK, NY – It’s 7:52 a.m. on Tuesday April 10 as I sit here trying to bang out yet another MTM column. My kid’s not really cooperating, but more about her later. In any event, I can’t really complain. In fact, there’s lots to be encouraged about these days. The weather’s getting warmer, it’s staying light out later, the Braves are winless… things could be a lot worse. Though this is a bit of a departure for me, I’m gonna try to remain positive today. Let’s take stock.

Mets. As of this writing, the Mets are 4-0 and atop the NL East. No one, not even Short Matt, is stupid enough to think that this will last, but we’ll take it while we can. Hey, this season was shaping up as one, long, depressing funeral, so it’s nice that there’s already something of a mini-highlight reel. The Mets even won a Mike Pelfrey start, by jiminy! Sure, Jason Bay still sucks, but at least he’s not Jayson Werth. That’s the spirit! What else? Oh yeah, Frank Francisco looks like Armando Benitez ate Mel Rojas, which worries me. But until he starts pitching like those carnival freaks, we’ll lay off. Let’s Go Mets!

Yankee Joe and Tampa Joe

Yanks. The Yankees started the season dropping three straight to Tampa. Watching Joe Maddon and Joe Girardi over-manage those games was brutal. And the Yankees continue to lead the league in catcher visits to the mound. Someone please alert the media when they play a game in under three hours. In other news, C.C. Sabathia got roughed up on Opening Daybut that’s no cause for concern. C.C.’s blubber is like #6 heating oil. It doesn’t function well in cold temps. It starts out as sludge and takes a while to warm up. He’ll win his usual 18-19 games but run out of gas short of 20, as usual. Anyway, the Bombers have gone to their vacation home in Baltimore to relax and pick up some easy wins. They should be fine.

Rollerball! Coming to a rink near you soon.

NHL Playoffs. I’d rather leave this to hockey experts such as Cheesy Bruin, Grote2DMax, Different Matt, and Johnny Rox, but I’ll put in my two cents for the hell of it. With all due respect to the NHL’s Western Conference, the East is where it’s at these playoffs. In the first round look for the Rangers and Bruins to advance and let’s hope for the Devils get by Florida too. The winner of the Flyers/Penguins series will most likely resemble the cast of The Walking Dead. Just imagine a second round featuring New York vs. New Jersey and Boston vs. Philly. Those series will be more Rollerball than hockey. And that’s just what you bloodthirsty bastards want, isn’t it?

NBA. The defending champion Dallas Mavericks may not make the playoffs. On top of this, they just deactivated Lamar Odom, who went home to spend more time with his wife Chewbacca. The Lakers, meanwhile look like they could be passed in the standings by the Clippers. This would be great except that it means more air time for Clips fan Billy Crystal. Thankfully Linsanity has died down. Now the Knicks can get on with making the playoffs and exiting in the first round. I don’t really care too much about the NBA so none of this affects me in the least.

Chewie, sans fur.

Golf. Tiger Woods didn’t win The Masters, and that’s good enough for me. How can you root for a guy who acts like a spoiled 10-year-old?

Speaking of children, as I was watching the Mets home opener the other day I asked my daughter whether she’d like to go to a baseball game with me sometime. Her response: “No thanks. It seems kinds boring.” Yeah, well, sure. It wouldn’t be so boring if it were played under the sea by cartoon characters resembling Spongebob or The Bubble Guppies. Bud Selig’s on the case though. He won’t rest until the entire sport sleeps with the fishes.

OK, I’m done. Sure I’ll be good and miserable again by next week. Tune in for Ram Rules tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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