Angry Ward Wednesday: Not than Anyone Asked, but….

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Groin punching machine

NEW YORK, NY – A few things on my mind these days, not the least of which being that my kid has been behaving like an unpredictable, unstoppable Tasmanian Devil for the past 36 hours. In fact, I was reminded of a joke by comedian Dana Gould that went something like “Three-year-olds lack the ability to reason. Because if they were able to reason, and still behave the way they did, then I know who the two worst people alive are.” It’s funny cuz it’s true. Anyway, speaking of petulant children…

Tiger Balm? It’s been a long time since we talked about Tiger Woods on this site, and hasn’t that been great? But, as it just so happened, I clicked on the tube this past Sunday afternoon right in time to see Tiger chip in from the rough at 16 for birdie and eventually win Jack Nicklaus’s Memorial Tournament, tying Jack for second on the all-time PGA wins list at 73 in the process. Needless to say, the CBS announcers were falling all over themselves saying what an incredible shot it was and how it looked like the Tiger of old was back. The ratings for the broadcast were apparently through the roof, so networks suits everywhere must be wetting themselves. But to all of those slapping each other on the back and preparing to suckle at the teat of Tiger once more, I’d direct them to the wisdom of one Winston Wolf who cautioned: “Let’s not start sucking each others’ d!cks quite yet.” One measly non-major tournament? Tiger’s not out of the woods yet.

Horny Tiger, Golden Bear

Suckers. I think I’ve officially found my push-back point on the whole “organic” movement. I didn’t have a problem when my wife started suggesting we buy certain food items organic. Eggs? Sure, why not. You know what, I think they actually might even taste a little bit better. Milk? OK, our daughter drinks a ton of it so maybe that’s not such a bad idea either. But now it seems like everyone in mommy and daddy land is pushing organic lollipops. Organic lollipops? Really? What in tarnation is an organic lollipop? A lollipop is a lollipop is a lollipop. If my kid wants an organic lollipop she can go out into the sugar cane fields with a machete and go get one herself. You don’t get more organic than that.

The Scrap Yard

New Citi Field Nickname. You know I’ve always been a fan of MtM loyalists referring to Citi Field as Shea Shack, but now that the Mets are playing some decent baseball and are actually enjoyable to watch again I think that, at least for 2012, we need to rethink the stadium nickname. Since the Mets’ home is still surrounded by chop shops and auto part graveyards and since the Mets are playing a  spirited brand of ball, I say we go with “The Scrap Yard.” I’m not married to it, I’m just saying that this current team is bigger than the burgers. Have at it.

Justin Blackmon Overdrive.By now you’ve probably heard that Jacksonville Jaguars rookie wide receiver Justin Blackmon, the 5th overall pick in April’s draft, was picked up in Stillwater, Oklahoma early Sunday morning and charged with allegedly driving under the influence. It’s said his breathalyzer showed that he was three times the legal limit. In Oklahoma? Can you imagine what that limit is? The guy must’ve consumed an entire distillery. In any event, not a great move for someone who has yet to sign a contract with a team that seems bent on drafting f*ck-up receivers in the first round year after year (see: R. Jay Soward, Matt Jones, Reggie Williams). Oh, by the way, it’s Blackmon’s second DUI in as many years, so it’s not like Jacksonville was caught off guard. Anyway, Jacksonville’s stupidity aside, I will never understand why millionaire athletes who want to go out and get loaded don’t just hire limos… all the time. Guess it’s not worth thinking about much.

Blackmon on his way to running a down and out.

Though the Jacksonville Board of Tourism (is there such a thing?) should think of making their motto: “Jacksonville is for F*ck-Ups.” Y’know, the same way “Virginia is for Lovers” and “West Virginia is for Hillbilly Rapists.

And on that upbeat note we’ll close it out for this week. Come back tomorrow for the wit and wisdom of our own Cam James.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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