Angry Ward Wednesday: Texas Cheat ‘Em

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Fatty McLiarstein and Rusty “Chicken Express” Hardin

NEW YORK, NY – Congratulations to Roger Clemens for being found not guilty of lying about cheating in front of a room full of liars and cheaters. Bravo. Was there ever a more star-spangled verdict than that? As Charlie Daniels would say, “God Bless America again.” It was made even better by the fact that The Rocket’s lawyer, Rusty Hardin, looks like he should be managing a Chicken Express (You see how I shoehorned that reference in there?). Actually, as Grote2DMax rightly pointed out the other day, just because Clemens was found not guilty it sure as hell doesn’t mean he’s innocent. Please. Anyone who doesn’t see him for the lying, cheating, win-at-all-costs-even-if-it means-asking-your-wife-and-friends-to-lie-for-you, self-absorbed scumbag that he is, would have to fall into the category of painfully stupid. Anyway, we’re not saying that Clemens is alone with his cheating and lying, but what is it about sports personalities and the state of Texas? It’s a fairly ugly combination. Here’s a brief retrospective.

Cowboys and Interference. Okay, okay, I know you’ve heard me harp on this before but it truly scarred me for life. On December 28, 1975, in a divisional playoff game played in Minnesota, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Roger Staubach threw up a late game prayer (which would later be called a “Hail Mary“) to douchebag extraordinaire Drew Pearson, who clearly pushed Vikings cornerback Nate Wright to the ground, caught the ball, and waltzed into the end zone. It remains the worst incident of unpunished cheating during a sporting event that I have ever witnessed. I was not alone, as the ref who kept his flag in his pocket was rightfully clocked upside the head by a whiskey bottle from the stands. The Vikes had a great team that year, and the team from Dallas stole that game from them.

Crease is the Word. This one’s for you, Buffalo Billy. In Game 6 of the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals, Dallas’ Brett Hull scored what appeared to be the game-winning goal in triple overtime over the Buffalo Sabres. Upon further review, Hull’s skate was in the crease before the puck which was a no-no at the time. The officials, for whatever reason, didn’t see it that way and the Stars were awarded the goal, the game, and the Stanley Cup. I was a Stars fan at the time, foolishly following my team when they deserted Minnesota for Dallas, and I was elated with the result. I have since seen the error of my ways. Buffalo may not have eventually won the game or the cup but they were certainly on the receiving end of another Texas-sized robbery.

Creasy does it.

A-Roid. Sure he was on the juice before he ever got to Texas, but it was on the Rangers that Alex Rodriguez’s paycheck, home run totals, and hat size all ballooned. Even though the cradle of baseball’s steroid culture was in the Bay area of California, Texas was seemingly the destination of choice for PED freaks. Club Med, if you will. Seriously, the Rangers roster over the years reads like a who’s who of steroid users. Sammy Sosa? Check. Rafael Palmeiro? Check. Jose Canseco? Check. Juan Gonzalez? Check. Ken Caminiti? Check. Pudge Rodriguez? Check. Eric Gagne? Check. How did Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire miss playing for this team? Oh, and let’s not forget Clemens and his misremembering butt-buddy Andy Pettitte both spent time on Texas’ other team, the Astros.

and last but not least…

Stench Armstrong. Last week the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency brought a set of formal charges against 7-time Tour de France winner and Plano, Texas native Lance Armstrong. Blood-doping accusations have long dogged Armstrong but he’s never failed a drug test and no one has been able to make anything stick. For its part, the USADA says that they have blood samples from Armstrong that are “fully consistent with blood ma­nipu­la­tion including EPO (an endurance enhancer) use and/or blood transfusions.” On top of this, Lance has been accused of doping by former teammates and competitors alike. In short, the USADA is a serious organization and they mean business this time. I, for one, never liked the guy and hope they finally string him up by his ball.

Live Strong… through creative chemistry.

All right, I hope I wasn’t too hard on the Lone Star state. Sure, they killed JFK and Jerry Jones calls the place home, but they also have great barbecue, our own Dr. Diz, and lotsa hellaciously hot women. Not too shabby.

Tune in tomorrow for a man who once got locked in the basement of The Alamo, Cam James. Wait, The Alamo doesn’t have a basement.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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