Angry Ward Wednesday: Sports News In A Flush!

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NEW YORK, NY – That’s no typo up there in the headline folks, today’s post is designed to bring you as many up-to-the-minute sports stories as you can fit into what amounts to a quick trip to the restroom. We know how precious your time is and we aim to pees… er… please. Let’s get to it.

Reggie Barred. The New York Yankees have told former slugger Reginald Martinez Jackson that they no longer want him around… at least as long as he keeps bashing Alex Rodriguez and Andy Pettitte. It’s kinda ironic because Reggie once got Billy Martin banished from Yankee Land when Billy called Reggie the dreaded “N” word: “No-good-with-the-glove.” The truly amazing part of this story is that Reggie is even still allowed around baseball after he tried to kill Queen Elizabeth II back in 1988. Or maybe that was viewed as a good thing.

“Must… Kill… the Queen.”

Cruise for Jesus? After his third failed marriage it looks as though Tom Cruise is looking to finally jump off the good spaceship Scientology in favor of something a little more mainstream. The religious right, for one, would love to have him. Among other things, he never gets into those embarrassing restroom incidents half their guys do. In the meantime, while Tom weighs his options, he’s decided to get his old beach volleyball league back together. Val Kilmer and Anthony Edwards are already on board. Tom Skerritt has also signed on as league commish. In an only slightly-related story, Cruise’s ex, Katie, is set to open a novelty store here in New York called Holmes and Yo-Yos.

Upton can’t hit but you should see her box.

Return of the Lying Dead. Speaking of spaceships, comebacks, and yo-yos, it looks like everyone’s favorite lying sack of sh!t Roger Clemens is taking his first baby steps toward worming his way back into baseball. This week he quietly signed on to pitch for a local Texas amateur baseball team made up primarily of digestive system doctors. The Rocket’s first start for the Houston Gastrosis slated for next week. No matter what happens, at the very least, Roger’s new teammates may finally be able to help him remove his head from his ass.

Houston, We Have a Problem? Speaking of Houston, Adrian Peterson got arrested there recently for an early-morning run-in with some security/off-duty-cop types at a nightclub called Live or some such thing. The bad news is, I’m a Vikings fan (which is pretty much always bad news) and I may have prompted this when Grote2DMax warned me a few weeks back not to mess with Texas. The good news is, it apparently took three cops to arrest him. Sounds like his recovery from knee surgery is coming along nicely.

Nick Loeb? Sounds like an ear infection.

Sofia Vergoner. Looks like longtime MTM fave Sofia Vergara got engaged this past weekend on her 40th birthday to something named Nick Loeb. Sounds like the kind of desperate move that so many of us here would have loved to have taken advantage of. Oh well, until she calls it off or gets divorced this place now officially belongs to Kate Upton. The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen. Look out, here comes Reggie Jacksonwith a gun!

Come back tomorrow for the pinch-hitting D.J. Eberle.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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