Global Sports Recap Begins & Ends With… Disney World?

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LAKE BUENA VISTA, FLA – I’m here on family vacation at Las Vegas For Kids… or Disney World, as it’s more popularly known. Lodging at the All-Star Sports Resort and visiting EPCOT for a day put me on track for today’s assignment…an Epcot/Disney inspired Global Sports Recap.

Mexico: Holy crap! I haven’t seen this many sombreros since Fernando Valenzuela pitched for the Dodgers. The attraction at this stop is a three character musical boat tour not starring Cheech & Chong and Valenzuela singing, Born in East L.A.

Norway: The land that currentlybrings us ready-to-assemble furniture at an IKEA near you, also gave the NFL an inspired nickname (Vikings) for Angry Ward’s Minnesota squad. The seafaring film featured here disappointingly did not include Norwegian-born placekicker Jan Stenerud who played a few seasons with the Vikes.

China: Among the restaurants and few shops was another film entitled Reflections of China. The short failed to mentioned Chinese Taipei’s struggles at the Little League World Series since birth certificates and zoning requirements of its players were scrutinized a decade ago. Reggie White’s logic will be put to the test for their people to make a wristwatch out of a TV to turn back time.

Cheesy Bruin

Germany: No attractions, fewer shops and eateries compared to the rest of the world stops at EPCOT. Boasting more beer than the rest and served in the traditional stein, it’s like watching a sporting event at home.

Italy: Again an attractionless stop at EPCOT but as one would expect, plenty of food and wine. My Mt. Rushmore of Italian sports figures from the four major team sports looks like this: Vince Lombardi, Joe DiMaggio, Phil Esposito, and Jimmy Valvano.

Japan: The cultural fascination with dragons continues here as well with the Nine Dragons restaurant. The same number hits the field for every game the Chunichi Dragons of the Japan Baseball League play. Short Matt also swears MTM has more daily “hits” than Sadahara Oh.

Morocco: There was a small stage show called Mo-Rockin‘ featuring a background band headlined by a belly dancer . I’m not sure why it’s called belly dancing because every other body part on this broad was “dancing.” At the end of their playing careers, either Carlos Beltran or Drew Brees can expand the stage show by donning a fez to play the part of Morroco Mole.

France: Impressions de France didn’t change mine one bit. The way I see it, the French occupied themselves more with implicating an American cyclist for turning the Tour de France into the Tour de Lance than helping occupy Iran and Afghanistan with troops. After cancer surgery, Armstrong has more balls than the French who always depend on the U.S. to bail their sissy asses out of any conflict.

United Kingdom: Hosts of the recently commenced 30th Olympiad where the United States reminded everybody of our athletic superiority by goal medals and overall count. Now only if our students can better the American standing where it counts in the fields of math and science and the intelligence to improve our economy.

Canada: “O, Canada” is a Martin Short hosted film that has nothing to do with the twenty year drought the country has sustained in one of its teams winning the Stanley Cup since the Montreal Canadiens did so in 1993.

MTM man of the world, West Coast Craig, tomorrow.

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A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.

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