Crash and Burn: A NY Jets Story


NY Jets: Talk about a “Hot Seat.”

New York, New York- Whelp… Week 4 is in the books and things are plush in Jets Nation, atop the AFC East alongside the Pats and Buffalo! First place! With the Pats! And the Bills! Someone fire up the parade floats!

No, no, no! Jets floats… What’s that you say? Only clown cars available? Oh, you have boats too? The Edmond Fitzgerald and the Titanic…hmmm. You know we’re Jets? We fly high, no lie, y-you do know this, right? Ballin’?

Ahhhh yes, the New York Football J-E-T-S. Sniff, Sniff. Do you smell smoke? It smells a little like burning in here… Can someone kindly ask Mitt Romney to roll the windows down please? I think we’re on fire.

Where to begin? Seriously, where the eff do I start? I mean, who didn’t see this coming?

“I think this has a chance to be the best teamthat I’ve had since I’ve been the coach here.”
-Rex Ryan

JESUS CHRIST. This can’t be happening!

“You rang?”

Oh. God. Damnit.

It’s too soon for him – barely. Not that Tony “Ahhh, My Eyes!” Sporano would know how to use him anyway. I won’t even get into his inability to throw anything but a wounded duck. But hey, if a coin flip actually produces a higher # than Marky Mark’s completion percentage, what do the Jets have to lose? Besides all of their jobs, of course….

They should go nuts with it. Quite literally put their testicles on the wall. Right. Now. Who knows? Stranger things have happened. And Revis will definitely be ready for the Super Bowl, so don’t even think about putting him on the IR, Rex. The IR for a torn ACL? That’s crazy talk.

Defensive star one week, offensive star/drama queen the next… These injuries are by no means nails in the coffin. Far from it. They are golden opportunities to go absolutely nuts. Re-invent the game. Hell, go skeet shooting with the playbook. Get weird… Also, while you’re at it, learn to tackle… and block…and run…and throw….and catch…oh and fire Mr. Tannenbaum and the entire training staff.

Evan “Pickles” Achiron: Nuts then & now!

Seriously. What is a Lisfranc? Anne’s long lost sister? (Too soon…?)

Watching the game from MetLife this past Sunday, I was reminded of the first time I realized how dysfunctional this organization is. I was a small boy. I don’t remember the game but I do remember the flyover post National Anthem: A squadron of…. Helicopters. At a J-E-T-S game. Look, when a dude named Kaepernick beats God’s second son at his own game, you know things are… off.

So, when I say throw out the playbook and get weird, I mean just that. You made a big deal about your, “Throw to Cro” package in the preseason. Do it. You put Joe McKnight at corner last week. Do it again. Whiny press conferences non-withstanding.

After the drubbing against the Niners are we really to expect a better showing on Monday night? On National television? Can anyone say, “Make or break, Mark Sanchez”? (No matter if all the blame should really fall on his shoulders- it shouldn’t).

The Jets are gonna get creamed by the best team in NFL on Monday night in front of the entire country. I’m not being a pessimist, I’m being a realist. They’re down even more play-makers this week. When Jeremy Kerley is the best receiving option on the field, followed by recently acquired journeymen free agents…. you’ve got issues.

They’re going to get embarrassed, might as well make it interesting. Throw to Cro; let Tebow run the Statue of Liberty play; make Mangold an eligible receiver in the red-zone, a la Jumbo Eliot; have Tebow throw Sanchez a hospital pass on a slant over the middle… just to put everyone out of their misery.

When the dust settles, ownership needs to recognize where the responsibility for this plane crash lies: A math nerd named Mike, who is more interested in a mediocre team that gets in well under the cap than in finding and developing true talent… the way teams like the Niners and the Texans.

I’ll just shut up and let the tape do the talking:

Yeah, Rex. We got that. Tell Woody to can his clown ass.

Feel free to vent below and don’t forget to check out Dr. Diz’s College Football Picks & the Casey Pachell drama.

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About the Author ()

Evan "Pickles" Achiron is a George Washington University grad and Strategic Communications honcho who likes the Yankees, Jets, Rangers and Knicks. He also dons 'the tools of ignorance' when playing hardball with Cam James & Short Matt. He comments on this site as ACK7. You can also follow him on Twitter: @each_iron.
  • Eward Nelson

    It doesn’t look good for the Jets, is what you are saying?

    • Meet The Matts

      Or for their pilots.

  • Big Blue 11

    Name the last bible-pumper to win a Super Bowl. Now name last bad boy or playboy to win. Either way, the Jets have worst versions of both.

    • Meet The Matts

      Roger Staubach? And last bad boy or playboy: Big Ben or Brady?

    • Different Matt

      Do mormons count? Steve Young.

      • jgclancy

        No..they’re like Scientologists & Moonies..don’t sayeth I


  • buffalobilly84

    Cock… pits… Jets… Go Bills!

  • jgclancy

    Rutgers 19 Conn 3 that is all

  • AngryWard

    When the Jets playe there it’s called Meth Life Stadium. That is all.

    • Johnny Rox

      As always, a real Zinger from the Ward!

      Nice 1…

  • Johnny Rox

    LOL, this shit is funny!
    Kicking the Jets while they’re down says more about you than them!

    And the only thing more pathetic than the Jets this year, are Whiny Ass Lil Bitches who are supposed Jets fans!!! They’re having a shit year, too bad, get over it!
    Go root for a winning team like all those pathetic fence sitters who root for different teams than where they reside! They usually have some stupid excuse as to why they do, like ANYBODY gives a shit!!!

    I wish, JUST ONCE, someone would say I root for the Lakers (even though I live in Brooklyn) cuz I’m a pathetic loser with ZERO moral character and not enough cojones to support my local team!!!


    • jgclancy

      Johnny R.–you’ll be happy that my sister is a die hard Jets fan but when I asked if they’d cover the spread against the Niners she said “Are you kidding?”

      • Johnny Rox

        She’s not only got good taste, but she’s smart too!!! lol

        Kudos to your Sis!

    • Lisa Lang

      Take it down several notches, Johnny. You’re a complete bag of cocks.

  • Junoir Blaber

    The Jets will rally to beat the Texans on Monday Night!!

  • Lisa Lang

    Looks like we have a future Arianna Huffington on our hands. This Pickles kid is going places.

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