Angry Ward Wednesday: Hurricanes, Obama, Romney & Sports

43 Comments

WASHINGTON, DC - That was some Presidential election last night, eh kids? Since I am writing this before network talking heads start divvying up states between President Obama (the winner) and Mitt Romney like  so many baseball cards,  I’ll leave it to those one-time Super Bowl halftime dinosaurs The Who to sum up the results: “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.” That about covers all the bases. In any case, it’s been an eventful lead-up to Decision 2012 with all kinds of highs and lows, heartbreak and devastation. Here’s a super-quick recap.

Tropical Depresssion. This is what my brother was feeling when his flight to Florida was canceled prior to Sandy arriving. By the way, if it weren’t for those meddling scientists treating Sandy with anti-Tropical Depressants she probably never would have morphed into Superstorm Sandy. When will we ever learn to stop playing God?

Storm Surge. It’s anybody’s guess which will be the first New York paper to use “Storm Surge” as a headline to a St. John’s basketball second half comeback this season, but you just know it’s going to happen. Smart money, as always, is on The Post.

LIPA, PSE&G, Connecticut Light & Power. The Farrelly Brothers really missed the boat when they signed off on the script for that ill-fated Three Stooges reboot they made. Each of the stooges working for one of these power entities would have been perfectly beliveable.

Con Ed. A 101 level course now being taught in New York colleges to idiots who actually believe that Con Edison is better than those other three moron operations.

FEMA. Mark Sanchez unsuccessfully tried to get money out of these guys for his ruined career and broken heart. Keeping with agency policy, they turned a blind eye.

Gas Lines. What will be emanating from me and my daughter later this evening after I made the executive decision to make franks and beans for dinner with mommy not here to sign off on the menu. Yim Clancy and all loyal Yiminites will be happy to hear that I also cooked up some extra bacon to sprinkle into said beans, to which L’il Angry  remarked (and this is verbatim): “Is there bacon in this? We use bacon for a lot of things, like chicken. Chicken is made out of bacon, you know.” She is the future, people. Believe it.

Hope. The 2013 Mets have none of this.

Change. What the Yankees should be paying A-Rod next year.

Polling Place. Anywhere Antonio Cromartie happens to be at any given moment.

Early Returns. Those Christmas gifts I know I’ll undoubtedly be receiving and then be taking back to the store in exchange for booze and/or bacon. Also, any Tony Romo first quarter pass to an opposing team.

Too Close to Call. The NFL replacement ref credo. Also, what Short Matt says when the landlord asks him if he’ll be making this month’s rent.

Concession Speech. Those odd intonations and language patterns found only in stadium and arena concessions vendors.

All right, that’s all for this week. Time to park myself in front of the tube, watch the results, and release bean thunder. Come back tomorrow for Cam James, whose Cardinals and Candidate both tanked.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • Yim Clancy

    “Chicken is made out of bacon, you know”….so sayeth our future high priestess…so shall it be..Cheers!

    Election went exactly as predicted— about a year ago.
    Now let’s get to important stuff:
    Go Vikings!
    Break up the Knicks or just take their viagra away!
    Go Rangers…..wait….forget that
    I think I’ll have a BLT without the L tomorrow

    • Diff

      ‘Lil Angry Wardette for President!

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    L’il Angry is truly the Golden Child!

    Yim is great!

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    ‘Polling Place.’ Priceless.
    Angry Ward.. the problem with CL&P is only exacerbated by the horrible combo of Connecticut’s picturesque old trees and above ground power lines. True horror.

    I’d like management to be on notice that I may need a fill in for Friday, so line it up. With another storm coming tomorrow with 50MPH winds, I would be shocked not to lose power again. Seriously. Enough people fart in this town and we lose power.

  • ToughGuy5

    Get ready for another recession, higher taxes and less jobs.

    • Cam_James

      I went to sleep in a socialist country and i woke up in a communist country.

      • Johnny Rox

        Easy fix,
        GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!

        • AngryWard

          Sound advice.

    • Johnny Rox

      Maybe you didn’t hear, Romney Lost!
      Guess your power is still out!!!

      How can soooo many people who have electricity STILL be in the dark???

      J..

  • Cam_James

    RON PAUL 2016!

  • Tall Matt

    More important stuff

    Let’s divide the country up now, without a civil war. All the red states go off on your own and enjoy. Red staters living in blue states – pack your bags and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I’ll miss you like I miss my hemorrhoids (preparation h is ggod).

    What the Yim is going on? I clearly missed something.

    The Knicks geriatric squads needs to be broken up. Stop the tide, stem the surge. We’re going 82-0 or into assisted living. Either prospect is exciting.

    Paulina Gretzky is the new cyber paramour, supplanting Kate Upton. You’re hearing it here first and before you label me an ODB (which I clearly am anyway), she’s THREE AND A HALF years older than Ms. Upton. Posters, start sprinkling her into your prose and photo drops.

    • Johnny Rox

      Because of the Knicks, Viagra is now considered a Performance Enhancing Drug!

      AW, there are some TRUE gems here!
      Of course, with two infants, I’m partial to “Gas Lines”! lol

      Dividing the Country is a GREAT Idea!!! It’s ALREADY divided, lets just sort it out!

      Since Betsy Ross was a Woman, we keep the Flag!
      Go get your own!!!

      J…

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        How about dividing the nation in a sports-related fashion? Since “jobs” are the big ticket item for sale, let’s use the NHL; they’ve added to the unemployed:
        -Angry Ward would have to move to Minnesota. They fit him with a straight jacket upon his arrival.
        -Cheesy Bruin & Grote2DMax to Boston. They blend right in.
        -Different Matt & Short Matt remain in NYC and become leaders of Ranger Nation, the most powerful entity in the new USA.
        -Cookie doesn’t budge because her power was out at the time of the ruling and is made an indentured servant by Grote & Cheesy as they pillage their way to Boston.
        -Lori Levine moves in with fellow Ranger fan Different Matt. They make Ranger Nation’s next generation.
        -West Coast Craig moves wherever the next warm weather Stanley Cup winner is.
        -The Public Professor tries to leave Baltimore for NY but is “held”
        indefinitely for questioning. He starts an underground movement, but if
        fails without cell phones reception.
        -Cam James goes back to St. Louis and dubbed Governor because he has two pairs of shoes and all his teeth.
        -Dr. Diz claims no real NHL connection since the Whalers moved and is hung in Fort Worth.
        -Tall Matt goes to Uniondale until 2014. Then moves to Bed Stuy, Brooklyn’s Inwood. He drives a cab.

        • Tall Matt

          Where to Mac?

        • AngryWard

          Let me think about this. Minnesota has Michele Bachmann, Al Franken, once elected Jesse Ventura governor, went for Obama yesterday, lost their hockey team, got another hockey team, lost their basketball team, got another basketball team… Maybe it is time I moved there. I’d blend right in with all the other schizos.

        • Grote2Dmax

          This was a full column you wasted as a post.

        • Cam_James

          Its funny you say that because in the Capitol of Missouri; Jefferson City that is about all you need to be governor. That river trash town is an abomination.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      1) Too many states are mere % points from being the other color
      2) Yim has been in play for a while…
      3) We featured Paulina Gretzky months ago…
      4) As per 2) & 3)…Tune in more than once a month, see the excellent work, and you’ll be up to speed.

      • Tall Matt

        Therein the offer to leave a blue state.

        Yim is yang.

        Challenge.

        I tune in just in a tuned out way.

        I’m okay with that.

        • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

          You are gracious in defeat, Mitt Matt… Uh, Tall Mitt… Um, Tall Matt!

    • AngryWard

      Thanks, but I’m sticking with Upton.

      • Tall Matt

        Cradle robber

    • Grote2Dmax

      Good luck getting anything near her 5 hole.

      • Tall Matt

        top shelf!

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    BREAKING NEWS: Karl Rove is now saying that the Cardinals DID NOT beat the San Francisco Giants in the NLCS and is declaring the Detroit Tigers the World Series champs!

    • Yim Clancy of Yimology

      What about the Braves?Oh…F*#k the Braves you say?…nevermind then
      Yumping Yiminy…

  • Grote2Dmax

    You just ruined the 2013 Mets slogan: The Hope is Back. God Bless the people of Connecticut for showing Linda McMahon Senate seats can’t be bought.

    • Ronald Reagan

      Keep the successful business people out of office. That’s not real smart.

    • AngryWard

      $91 million in two failed bids. So great. Her husband should hire Greg Valentine to put her purse in a figure-four leg lock. She’s like The Unpredictable Johnny Rodz. Loses every time.

      • WestCoastCraig

        91 Ted DiBiasis?

        • AngryWard

          Hahaha! Yep.

  • WestCoastCraig

    Did Cromartie ever come down with a case of the CL&P?

    • AngryWard

      It’s a safe bet he hasn’t experienced many power outages. That plus he has a knack for finding open outlets.

  • Dude
    • Grote2Dmax

      The crack Mets front office were able to pay Jason Bay his full salary ($21 million owed) and let him be a free agent and get nothing back for him. Sounds like another Bobby Bo deal for which we’ll be paying for into 2050. Good lord does it ever end.

      • Dude

        he’s off the team… can’t say the same for the yanks and a-rod… i’ll take it

        • vinny from brooklyn

          that is good news. needed it too. no heat and now snow storm.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            hang in there vinny.

      • AngryWard

        I know! What’s the point of making it sound like anything other than what it is. Mets are paying Jason Bay the full remainder of his contract so they don’t have to look at his sadsack mug on the bench for another season.

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    Here we go. 34% of my town is now without power again.

    • AngryWard

      Cookie, glad I got a chance to to talk to you before another descent into darkness. On the bright side, at least you guys have no trouble getting gas for your cars and generators. It’s still very dicey down in these parts and we didn’t have anywhere near the damage that others did.

  • AngryWard

    Matts, I am delighted to see that you decided to run a “Worst of Angry Ward” rerun today instead of a new column. This is back from when I still had one or two fresh ideas left and could kinda (kinda!) still write. *sigh*

  • Cam James

    WTF? Can i just put up my column from a year ago? I’m on strike.

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