Angry Ward Wednesday: Hurricanes, Obama, Romney & Sports

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WASHINGTON, DC – That was some Presidential election last night, eh kids? Since I am writing this before network talking heads start divvying up states between President Obama (the winner) and Mitt Romney like  so many baseball cards,  I’ll leave it to those one-time Super Bowl halftime dinosaurs The Who to sum up the results: “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.” That about covers all the bases. In any case, it’s been an eventful lead-up to Decision 2012 with all kinds of highs and lows, heartbreak and devastation. Here’s a super-quick recap.

Tropical Depresssion. This is what my brother was feeling when his flight to Florida was canceled prior to Sandy arriving. By the way, if it weren’t for those meddling scientists treating Sandy with anti-Tropical Depressants she probably never would have morphed into Superstorm Sandy. When will we ever learn to stop playing God?

Storm Surge. It’s anybody’s guess which will be the first New York paper to use “Storm Surge” as a headline to a St. John’s basketball second half comeback this season, but you just know it’s going to happen. Smart money, as always, is on The Post.

LIPA, PSE&G, Connecticut Light & Power. The Farrelly Brothers really missed the boat when they signed off on the script for that ill-fated Three Stooges reboot they made. Each of the stooges working for one of these power entities would have been perfectly beliveable.

Con Ed. A 101 level course now being taught in New York colleges to idiots who actually believe that Con Edison is better than those other three moron operations.

FEMA. Mark Sanchez unsuccessfully tried to get money out of these guys for his ruined career and broken heart. Keeping with agency policy, they turned a blind eye.

Gas Lines. What will be emanating from me and my daughter later this evening after I made the executive decision to make franks and beans for dinner with mommy not here to sign off on the menu. Yim Clancy and all loyal Yiminites will be happy to hear that I also cooked up some extra bacon to sprinkle into said beans, to which L’il Angry  remarked (and this is verbatim): “Is there bacon in this? We use bacon for a lot of things, like chicken. Chicken is made out of bacon, you know.” She is the future, people. Believe it.

Hope. The 2013 Mets have none of this.

Change. What the Yankees should be paying A-Rod next year.

Polling Place. Anywhere Antonio Cromartie happens to be at any given moment.

Early Returns. Those Christmas gifts I know I’ll undoubtedly be receiving and then be taking back to the store in exchange for booze and/or bacon. Also, any Tony Romo first quarter pass to an opposing team.

Too Close to Call. The NFL replacement ref credo. Also, what Short Matt says when the landlord asks him if he’ll be making this month’s rent.

Concession Speech. Those odd intonations and language patterns found only in stadium and arena concessions vendors.

All right, that’s all for this week. Time to park myself in front of the tube, watch the results, and release bean thunder. Come back tomorrow for Cam James, whose Cardinals and Candidate both tanked.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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