Angry Ward Wednesday: NFL Hypocrites, Whiners & Other Assorted Losers


“You’d think a fireman, of all people, could take a little heat.”

NFL Hypocrites, Whiners & Other Assorted Losers

NEW YORK, NY – As my Uncle Ed Anger used to say, I am pig-biting mad… and most of it has to do with the National Football League. There was a time when the NFL was populated by tough guys and run by men who knew right from wrong and didn’t take any sh!t from anyone. It has since evolved into something almost unrecognizable. The game is now dissected down to its shoelace tips while a-holes abound in the league office, broadcast booth, in the stands, and on the field. It’s a disgrace. Here are a few prime examples.

The Challenge Rule. For those of you who missed the Lions/Texans game on Thanksgiving, Detroit basically lost the game because their coach made the monumental mistake of challenging an 81-yard touchdown run that was going to be challenged anyway. League rules state that any scoring play or turnover is subject to mandatory review by the officials. But, and this is a big but, if a coach throws a challenge flag he incurs a 15-yard penalty against his team and the play is no longer subject to review. So instead of Justin Forsett’s touchdown run being rightly overturned, it was wrongly allowed to stand. For a league that likes to present itself as one that always wanting to get things right, turning a blind eye to an incorrect call because you’ve had your toes stepped on is absolutely childish, not to mention hypocritical. And who’s to say that the officials would have reviewed the play anyway? Every week the league sends letters of apology to teams who got hosed by officials. Give the penalty if you must, but get the damn call right.

A Boy Named Suh. Why is everyone so up in arms about Lions DT, Ndamukong Suh, kicking Texans QB Matt Schaub between the hashmarks? The sport is called football, people. If you don’t like it change the name to Flounceball or something. Seriously though, I’m tired of Roger Goodell reviewing stuff like this every friggin’ week. From now on, handle it on the field: 15-yard penalty and Schaub gets to kick Suh in the nuts. Settled. Speaking of people who need to be kicked in the nuts…

Cam Newton. In his terrific column about Hector Camacho on Monday, the Public Professor used the perfect adjective to describe Carolina quarterback Cam Newton: “preening.” On Monday night Newton brought more cheese to Philly than Geno’s and Pat’s combined. Whether he was celebrating a first down run like he’d just salted away the Super Bowl or doing his incredibly-tired Superman touchdown pose, Newton was an embarrassment to himself and his team. Someone needs to tap him on the shoulder and remind him that he’s playing for a team that’s 3-8 and just beat a team with the exact same record. If that doesn’t shake him back into reality then I say every time he does his Superman celebration Ndamukong Suh be allowed to come out and kick him squarely in the balls.

Fireman Ed. Grote2DMax pretty much covered this one yesterday, but one final thought on Fireman Ed. Any grown man who takes it upon himself to act as a self-appointed team mascot deserves everything he gets. By getting up on his brother’s shoulders and screaming his lungs out for the better part of the last two decades, Fireman Ed was calling attention to himself. And when, finally, that attention wasn’t the kind he was seeking, he tucked his tail and ran. You’d think a fireman, of all people, could take a little heat. But not this guy. Say what you want about The Matts, they don’t just invite scorn, they savor it.

Come back tomorrow and savor the diverse columnistic offeringsof pinch-hitter deluxe, Aristotle “Mugsy” Sakellaridis.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • Helmet Head

    Cam Newton is a an ass and unless his owner steps up, he will just get worse.

    • Helmet Head! Welcome to Mattville. We long for the days of hat head and/or helmet head… Sometimes we still even dream of shaking our wet hair in the shower – but that’s another story… As for the young Carolina QB, anyone named “Newt” is just going to be dogged by personality issues. It’s their cross to bear.

  • Big Fat Toad

    I want to grab those cheerleaders by their buccaneers. Those bodies are sick.

    • That kind of talk won’t earn you the kisses to turn you into a Prince… Fielder.

  • The Cam Newton/Suh solution is a fine one. Bravo Angry.

    The only bummer about Fireman Ed leaving is someone else will come along with some (likely WORSE) shtick and people will have to suffer that. I mean.. as if Jets fans aren’t already suffering enough.

    • We have a combo of the Newton/Suh stories… every time we meet with Cam James, it’s a “nut-kick” situation. We have to wear cups whenever he’s around us.

      • Cam_James

        McCarthy you don’t have much to protect anyways….

  • So true on all accounts, pal. Goodell is more Dictator than Commissioner and it’s great if and when the NFL takes it in the teeth in any litigation. I’m rooting for all the Bountygate players in their appeals.
    Cam Newton is sickening and needs to take a look at RGlll. It’s not the athletic ability it’s what’s between the ears and something called maturity.
    Ndamong Suh is a throwback and could have played in the NFL’s nasty era of the head slap and Conrad Dobler. Not often you see agitators in football as they’re associate with hockey.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      According to my in-laws from Omaha, Suh was portrayed as a good character guy in college. Was that all B.S. or did something change?

      • Cam_James

        he played for the biggest loudmouth in college football. Everyone else seems tame compared to the top cop in Nebraska

  • A-Dubya: Great line re Fireman Ed. That captures the essence of the whole thing. NY fans are not that hard to figure. With alcohol consumption, if the team sucks, they will look for something to cheer… or jeer. Our tonic for Ed is a big bowl of Cry Baby Soup and a suggestion: Wear a Browning Nagle jersey. Jet fans would laugh at that, know you’re a die-hard fan and laugh with you, not at you… Wearing a Sanchez jersey now, while obviously lacking a sense of humor, is FCS… Fan Cheerleader Suicide.

  • Tall Matt

    Scorn away

  • Great piece, AW. And I’m not just saying that b/c you raved about my Monday column. Okay, maybe I’m just saying that b/c you raved about my Monday column.

    Goddamn, that was a good Monday column.

    Seriously though, you hit it out today. Spot on on all of that stuff, from Nutcracker Suh to Fireman Ed.

    • AngryWard

      Boxing always makes for great writing, which is why it’s so sad that it barely holds a place in the public consciousness anymore.
      The Artist formerly known as Fireman Ed, left us with a laugh, so you gotta give him that.

  • Johnny Rox

    First off, let’s get something straight right now, “Fireman Ed” IS NOT a Fireman! While I’m not a Fireman either, some of my dearest friends are/were. “Fireman Ed” WAS a Fireman, but he’s now retired due to “Injury”. After seeing him flee the Jets, in their time of need, I question whether or not his “injury” was/is legit! Definitely questions his character!

    I’ve never hated on Fireman Ed, or any other fan for that matter! I’ve got more venom for “fans” who sit in the front row in the fourth quarter, or worse yet, leave! F.E. has always been what he is, a loud mouthed, arrogant, jerk! He doesn’t approach the game with fun in mind, and he takes himself WAY too seriously! As far as I’m concerned, if the Jets have accomplished NOTHING this year, at least we got rid of some dead weight! Good Riddens!

    Matt, the Browning Nagle Jersey idea made me laugh out loud! As far as Sports, some people just don’t get it, YOU DO!!! It’s SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! If ya can’t laugh at yourself, you really can’t laugh! Although, Browning Nagle did get drafted right behind a VERY GOOD Quarterback! Damn Falcons!!!

    Ya boy,

    • AngryWard

      What are you complaining about, the Jets eventually ended up with Favre. Ha!

      • After your Vikings.

        • AngryWard

          Before… if you can believe that.

          • It’s all a blur… but it’s all just as douche worthy for fans of both teams.

  • Johnny Rox

    Hey, no talk of the CRAZY offer the Mets extended to E5?
    If he’s worth 18 Mil/Yr for 7 the Yankees are gonna have to give ARod a bonus!!!

    What do Mets fans think? Good idea???

    That also means R.A. Dickey should get 100 Mil/game!

    Where’re they getting all this Cheese???


    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      The Mets should trade E5 and get whatever they can for him now to rebuild!

    • AngryWard

      Fred Wilpon finally let Jeff cash all of his Bar mitzvah checks.

  • WestCoastCraig

    You had me at the reference to Ed Anger.

    • Dude

      yes, an ed anger/ weekly world new reference is always welcome. will bat boy write a column next?

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Pig biting makes me happy? Mmmmmm! Pork!

  • Grote2Dmax

    Everyone in this column, save Ed Anger, should be kicked in the balls. Especially Jim Schwartz himself.

  • Leave Fireman Ed alone!!

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