Angry Ward Wednesday: NFL Hypocrites, Whiners & Other Assorted Losers

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“You’d think a fireman, of all people, could take a little heat.”

NFL Hypocrites, Whiners & Other Assorted Losers

NEW YORK, NY – As my Uncle Ed Anger used to say, I am pig-biting mad… and most of it has to do with the National Football League. There was a time when the NFL was populated by tough guys and run by men who knew right from wrong and didn’t take any sh!t from anyone. It has since evolved into something almost unrecognizable. The game is now dissected down to its shoelace tips while a-holes abound in the league office, broadcast booth, in the stands, and on the field. It’s a disgrace. Here are a few prime examples.

The Challenge Rule. For those of you who missed the Lions/Texans game on Thanksgiving, Detroit basically lost the game because their coach made the monumental mistake of challenging an 81-yard touchdown run that was going to be challenged anyway. League rules state that any scoring play or turnover is subject to mandatory review by the officials. But, and this is a big but, if a coach throws a challenge flag he incurs a 15-yard penalty against his team and the play is no longer subject to review. So instead of Justin Forsett’s touchdown run being rightly overturned, it was wrongly allowed to stand. For a league that likes to present itself as one that always wanting to get things right, turning a blind eye to an incorrect call because you’ve had your toes stepped on is absolutely childish, not to mention hypocritical. And who’s to say that the officials would have reviewed the play anyway? Every week the league sends letters of apology to teams who got hosed by officials. Give the penalty if you must, but get the damn call right.

A Boy Named Suh. Why is everyone so up in arms about Lions DT, Ndamukong Suh, kicking Texans QB Matt Schaub between the hashmarks? The sport is called football, people. If you don’t like it change the name to Flounceball or something. Seriously though, I’m tired of Roger Goodell reviewing stuff like this every friggin’ week. From now on, handle it on the field: 15-yard penalty and Schaub gets to kick Suh in the nuts. Settled. Speaking of people who need to be kicked in the nuts…

Cam Newton. In his terrific column about Hector Camacho on Monday, the Public Professor used the perfect adjective to describe Carolina quarterback Cam Newton: “preening.” On Monday night Newton brought more cheese to Philly than Geno’s and Pat’s combined. Whether he was celebrating a first down run like he’d just salted away the Super Bowl or doing his incredibly-tired Superman touchdown pose, Newton was an embarrassment to himself and his team. Someone needs to tap him on the shoulder and remind him that he’s playing for a team that’s 3-8 and just beat a team with the exact same record. If that doesn’t shake him back into reality then I say every time he does his Superman celebration Ndamukong Suh be allowed to come out and kick him squarely in the balls.

Fireman Ed. Grote2DMax pretty much covered this one yesterday, but one final thought on Fireman Ed. Any grown man who takes it upon himself to act as a self-appointed team mascot deserves everything he gets. By getting up on his brother’s shoulders and screaming his lungs out for the better part of the last two decades, Fireman Ed was calling attention to himself. And when, finally, that attention wasn’t the kind he was seeking, he tucked his tail and ran. You’d think a fireman, of all people, could take a little heat. But not this guy. Say what you want about The Matts, they don’t just invite scorn, they savor it.

Come back tomorrow and savor the diverse columnistic offeringsof pinch-hitter deluxe, Aristotle “Mugsy” Sakellaridis.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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