Angry Ward Wednesday: Silver Linings Playbook

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NEW YORK, NY – The wife and I made it out to the movies again last Saturday night which, up until recently, was unheard of. Let’s put it this way, ever since Li’l Angry arrived, I think I’ve been to the movies a total of five or six times in four years. Anyway, since the disaster that was The Master, we caught Argo, and then this weekend it was the David O. Russell dramedy, Silver Linings Playbook. Though SLP featured a fairly predictable plot, we both enjoyed it. Among the positives, a nice sports and gambling undercurrent throughout revolving around, of all teams, the Philadelphia Eagles. Other pleasant surprises included Robert De Niro’s best role in a long time (Is it me, or will he do any crap script that falls in his lap these days?) and Jennifer Lawrence.

Though she’s not your standard Hollywood beauty, she’s hot and she can act. This is a good thing. She’s young too, so hopefully she’ll stick around for a while. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the movie. The story revolves around a protagonist who is coping with mental issues and is looking to find positives in negative situations. Sounds pretty familiar. Here are some sports personalities in desperate need of a silver lining.

Lenny Dykstra. The former Met/Phillie was recently sent to the slammer for six and a half months for squirreling away his own baseball memorabilia during bankruptcy proceedings. Not the smartest move, but then Lenny was never known for his brains. Silver Lining: Lenny’s already got a great tough-guy nickname for prison, “Nails.” His patented hustle should also serve him well around the showers.
Jennifer Lawrence

Scott Pioli and Romeo Crennel. The Chiefs GM and Head Coach had the unfortunate experience of watching one of their players kill himself last Saturday. Silver Lining: When they get fired by Kansas City after the season, they’ll probably feel like they got off easy. Also, neither one will be forced to watch the Chiefs play anymore.
Jennifer Lawrence.
Alex Rodriguez. Looks like A-Rod is going to need surgery on his left hip. He’s already had surgery on his right hip, which puts him in the company of two of my deceased uncles, which isn’t good. This latest surgery will likely sideline him for a significant portion of the season. Silver Lining(s): He won’t hear near as many “You suck, A-Rod!” heckles in 2013, this will probably render him incapable of ever schtupping Kate Hudson again, and the Yankees will still be paying him millions when he’s rolling around South Beach in his Lark 2000 scooter. It’s wins all the way around.

Nick Saban. Nick Saban is a douche. Silver Lining: Alabama will probably win another National Championship this year.

Hector Camacho. El Macho Man esta muerte. Silver Lining: We’re sure Hector would be happy to know that the Public Professor handled his passing and not Grote.

Jon Gruden. Half the time you have no idea what he’s talking about. More than half the time he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Silver Lining: He uses the word “gashed” like every other sentence… which is kinda funny.

This column is mercifully over. Silver Lining: Cam and Lori are up tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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