Choose Your Own Adventure: New York Jets Edition

32 Comments
circus

Couldn’t title it better myself.

New York, NY-It appears your season has ended. It is dark and cold. How will you find the light?”

  • Turn to page 15 to “escort” GM Mike Tannenbaum out of the building
  • Turn to page 21 to wrap Tim Tebow in a giant red bow and ship to Jacksonville, fo free.
  • Turn to page 30 to shop Mark Sanchez around, find no suitors and be forced to eat his $8.25 million 2013 contract while he rides the pine… 

Ahhh yes. Choose Your Own Adventure. Back in the day, these books were the bee’s knees. My mom used to get upset at me for reading them because they weren’t “stimulating or educational whatsoever,” which to be honest – is completely true. I may have felt like I was plotting my own course through some fantasy pre-pubescent conundrum, but of course the outcomes of all of my options were pre-determined… and someone usually died. We have finally reached a point in this New York Jets season where the burning hulk of the plane has finally crashed and burned. Mercifully on this flight there was no drugged up Denzel to perform some miraculous maneuver. What’s done is done, and I for one feel good. I feel fresh. There will be no 9-7 season only to have the football gods keep them on the post season sidelines. There will be no 9-7 season in which the Jets get boombashed yet again by the Patriots in the first round and receive a middling draft pick in April. It’s over. And this is where our adventure begins

In my opinion, there is only one way to read a Choose Your Own Adventure book… by making the worst/most dangerous decisions possible. And because this Jets circus is too hilarious for even the meanest drill sergeant to straighten out, I will attempt to fight fire with fire.

Mike_Tannenbaum_New_York_Jets_GM

Oh, Tannenbaum: What’s with Jets personnel & creepy rain pics?

Bring Me Their Heads!
Who will take the fall? Choose any combo of the following:
GM Mike Tannenbaum
Offensive Coordinator Glasses McGee (Tony Sporano)
Rex Ryan
Mark “Sanchize”.

Before I get into this, let me say that I’m pretty sure the Jets are currently wrapping Tim Tebow up in a giant red bow with plans to send him to Jacksonville, where some dreamy dude will give him to his way too hot wife for Christmas in front of his way-too-big house. Full stop. He’s not playing football in any meaningful way again. Not after the way the Jets curb-stomped his quarterbacking/wildcatting/personal protecting aspirations.            PR stunt. Moving on…

In a perfect, rational world in which $8.25 million dollars is not guaranteed to Mark Sanchez next year (Thanks Mr. T!), everyone but Ryan would be gone. But we do not live in a rational world.
Exhibit A: The Jet’s owner is named Woody Johnson [insert boyhood jokes here]. Instead, we live in an ironic world (see: Brooklyn… the borough) where the owner of a recently disgraced football franchise is literally a walking boner joke, and where a team whose fan base was guaranteed a Super Bowl win once in 1969 hasn’t seen its team in the big game since then… despite a four-year blizzard of braggadocios hot air.

Sadly, in this realistic world, where constraints on this team’s natural development were thrown up like a hastily yet well-built temporary Costa Rican rodeo fence (long, painful personal story there), by none other than Mike Tannenbaum, only two of the four aforementioned names will NOT be back in the building next year…. Tannenbaum himself and Wildcat genius Tony Sporano. Yup Sanchez will be back. Yeah. Sorry.

Rex and his belly of laughs will be back too! Hooray!!! He weighed 400 pounds four years ago and was actually impossible to move. Now, though lighter on his toes, he’s not getting canned. After all, why would you ever fire a coach who by his own admission, …didn’t have his finger on the pulse of the locker room? This is the kind of clueless character you need in a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. Rex stays.

As much as I hate to say it, for financial reasons alone, the Jets will have to bring Sanchez back. It’s hard to eat $8.25 million, remain under cap and field a team capable of beating anyone but a D-3 college team, simultaneously. Unless the new management (Bill Polian, Mike Holmgren anyone?) decides to start fresh – a disaster which would put the Jets ten years or so behind the perennial division winning Patriots – Sanchez will stay through 2013. I’d go on but none of that analysis would be funny.

Skipping to the end of the story, because it’s fun (but mostly because Short Matt has me on an 800 word leash) I’d like to make some bold predictions for the 2013 Jets, throwing all caution to the wind and probably losing all credibility with the readership in the process:

Mark Sanchez eats hot dogGM: Bill Polian (Children can dream, can’t they?)
Head Coach: If I had to shake it up here, I’d say Andy Reid (Rex is traded down the Turnpike for Andy, a la Wife-Swap, but not nearly as hot)
O Coordinator: Chip Kelly (Because Michael Vick is gonna be a Jet)
QB: Michael Vick (Package deal with Andy. Chip and Michael are bringing the Big O to Met Life)
Backup QB: Rex Grossman (There must always be a Rex on the sideline)
Quarterbacks Coach: Vinny Testaverde (Because I haven’t heard that beautiful name in a long time)

Pretty, pretty please: Mark Sanchez: Oakland Raiders, eating hot dogs on the bench. Where he belongs.

Different Matt Chooses His Own Adventure, tomorrow.

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About the Author ()

Evan "Pickles" Achiron is a George Washington University grad and Strategic Communications honcho who likes the Yankees, Jets, Rangers and Knicks. He also dons 'the tools of ignorance' when playing hardball with Cam James & Short Matt. He comments on this site as ACK7. You can also follow him on Twitter: @each_iron.
  • DannyBax

    Tony Sporano, Sanchez, Tebow and Tanny have to go. Keep Rex, bring in Vick and draft a quarterback. They have to eat Sanchez’s salary to keep the fans from tearing up tickets.

  • Cam_James

    Mike Vick should be a jet. I think the jets being akin to the Eagles would embrace a dog fighting generally lewd human being. It would like having a jets fan play quarterback.

  • Evan_Achiron

    DannyBax, I completely agree with you, but the reality is that if you let go of Sanchez but still have to pay him, it will force the team to cut other good players too. Take a look at Bill Barnwell’s great analysis here in Grantland. It’s disturbing. http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/45527/its-time-for-a-jets-intervention

  • Ian Kobernick

    Tebow and a 3rd round pick for Matt Flynn. Seahawks have an offense where Tebow could fit in if Russell Wilson ever got hurt since they can run a read-option offense. They love Wilson too much in Seattle to jump on the Tebow bandwagon and call for him to take over. Jets could afford to pay both Flynn and Sanchez next year, and if Flynn sucks they can start over in 2014. This scenario also involves me overtaking Mike Tannenbaum as GM and hiring Fireman Ed as our new offensive coordinator.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Ian: Welcome to Mattville… Don’t be a stranger… You clearly make too much sense for Gag Green. Nobody over there seems to know how to pick players – or sign contracts…

    • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

      That is brilliant Ian. How do we get your resume in front of Woody Johnson!?!

    • AngryWard

      You had me until Fireman Ed.

    • AZ2FLA

      Matt Flynn is the 2012 edition of Kevin Kolb…so it would make perfect sense for the Jets to pull off that trade! Or just trade for the 2011 edition which happens to be Kevin Kolb himself. The Cardinals are not afraid to try anyone at the QB position and would have no problem about going with Tebow.

  • vinny from brooklyn

    i like your style. jets make me almost as sick as the mets.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      You poor bast@rd.

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    Nice work, Evan… Or Pickles… We thank the Sports Gods that we are Giants fans and not Jets fans. People like vinny from brooklyn suffer year round… But we’ve been saying Sanchez sucked for three seasons. Why the Browning Nagle did it take so long for the “experts” to figure this out?! Tannenbaum should be fired in Union Square and squirted with green slime.

  • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

    Pickles, I watched that game in stunned silence. It was almost surreal. I have no idea why they gave Tebow a series, everything went wrong after that.

  • Evan_Achiron

    Ian, you’re suggestion neglects to address the most important piece for 2013: Replacing Fireman Ed. Think it’s time we saw what drunk Joe Namath can do up in the stands.

  • Evan_Achiron

    *your

    Apparently Tebow was promised “a few” series. As much as I hated picking him up, I actually feel bad for the guy. Like the Mets, this organization appears to be run by Mickey Mouse and Goofy.

    • butch gorings notrils

      Only Gretzky can call an orgainzation Mickey Mouse. haha

  • AngryWard

    I would love it if Michael Vick came to the Jets. The guy is one hit away from falling apart like the Bluesmobile.

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    Amazing how the Jets wound up f*cking up TWO QB’s this year and are going to let a third display his weaknesses as the starter in game #15. Glen Foley never looked so good.

    • Walking Tall

      Jimmy Fallon had a funny bit in which he brought up Tebow maybe be requesting a trade. Went to his highlights – it was just him sitting on the bench with a Jets cap on.

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    I read earlier today that we, as a nation, are going to fewer rodeos.

    That is all.

    • AngryWard

      This was my favorite comment…

    • http://twitter.com/Different_Matt Different Matt

      Thats a damn shame, SAF.

  • WestCoastCraig

    Hot dogs are the new Gatorade.

    • AngryWard

      Until this.

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    Jets didn’t even give Tebow a chance. Idiots.

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    Oh the days of Mike Jarvis and the Colonials were very kind to my wallet back in the day, Evan. And the old Atlantic-10 conference had the very best mascots. Us catchers will always be communications strategists. We’ll share war stories over a pint some day.

    • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

      I always saw you as a cross between Kevin Costner in Bull Durham and Tom Berenger in Major League, when you played.

  • buffalobilly84

    Hey, you want to swap teams? The Bills are a mess.

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Does no one care about the plight of this country’s rodeos?

    • AngryWard

      By Yim, I do! They should start serving more bacon at rodeos, for starters.

  • Johnny Rox

    OK, so NOW it’s time for my 35 cents (inflation).

    I don’t know who the eff this pickles guy is, but I don’t HATE em!
    But I suffer all year (every year) with my Jets, and NOW this Nicky New Guy comes along as the Consummate JETS fan of MTM??? WTF?

    Anyway, here’s MY take:

    Mark Sanchez may be the BEST backup QB in the league!
    Greg McElroy may be the BEST backup QB in the league!
    Rex Ryan is a VERY GOOD Defensive Co-Ordinator!
    Tim Tebow is an AMAZING athlete!
    Position? I’m not even sure he’s playing the right sport!
    Not quite tall enough for tight end, but if he were a few inches taller! MAN!!!
    Could’ve been a really good Rugby player, maybe???
    And we all know how those guys just RAKE IN the dollars!

    So, what do we do?
    QB? I’m not sure!

    But Head Coach? I WANT BILL COWHER!!!
    Give him WHATEVER he wants to get him in Green!!!
    HE’S WORTH IT!

    Go Giants!
    Good Luck!

    Merry FRICKIN Christmas!!!
    J…

    • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

      I am a Jets fan too. Explain yourself Matts and Pickles!!

  • Knuckles

    I couldn’t agree more.

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