Sports Fan’s End Of World Wish List


NEW YORK, NY – The senseless void that befalls us in the sports world at this juncture has led yours truly to a crossroads of apathy and anger.  Between the gross negligence of the NHL, the indifference I feel toward the NBA and the passive transition between MLB’s winter meetings and the pitchers/catchers reporting date, I am left speechless. Quite literally, I could write five hundred words about anything except sports right now.  The sole light at the end of the tunnel lies in the hopes that my Rams win out and somehow steal a playoff spot from the Bears or Seahawks.  The apathy I feel is so deep that this column was nearly written about English Premier League Football.

Two hours later…

Just awoke from the gin-induced coma that produced the previous paragraph and I realized that the depression that has become of my sports world is not unique.  It is merely a sign of the apocalypse.  After all, we are all going to die in eight days.  So considering that we all have barely more than a week to live I figured I would run down the things I would like to see happen in sports before I die eight days from now in my Sports Fan’s End Of World Wish List.

1) Pete Rose should be inducted into the hall of fame.  Period.  The man was the greatest hitter in the history of the game.  Period.  He never cheated the game the way than any steroid user did.  He never altered his play and he never bet against his own team.  Charlie Hustle may have been a suspect human being but he was the best baseball player to ever cross the white lines.

2) Paquiao vs Maryweather:  This should have happened years ago.  I know what we saw from Paquiao this past weekend was not what anyone expected but we all watched his career blossom and the fact that this fight never happened was due to cowardice from both sides. Neither of them wanted to fight because at the inception of the potential fight’s hype, neither one had an answer for one  another.

3) The 2002 BCS national title for Ohio State would be overturned and given to Miami.  For those of you that remember that game, the absolutely purchased pass interference call in the end zone was the most atrocious call a referee has ever made at a decisive moment during a football game.

4) Bill Belichik and the entire Blue Jays franchise would be forced to give up their search and seizure rights so that the rest of the world could see the ridiculous amount of illegal video tape that they have compiled on opponents in order to steal Super Bowls, and, in the case of the Blue Jays, to stay relevant.

5) Short Matt (or Tall Matt?) will relieve me of my writing duties for next week as I want to cherish my second to last day on earth.  If you read this far I will give you a cigar.  There are some things I revel in and one of those things is making the man squirm.  In this case I’m referring to a short Irishman that won’t have a chance to edit this column before it gets published because he is out at boxers with Rugby buddies.

6) I want to see Ken Griffey and Ken Griffey Jr. hit back to back home runs again like its 1990.

7) I want to see Carl Edwards win a Winston Cup Championship.  That’s right, I said Winston Cup.  It isn’t Nextel Cup or Sprint Cup… its Winston Cup.  Carl Edwards is Columbia Missourah’s finest.  I should know.  We went to the same high school.

8) I want to watch a Hockey Game that occurs in this country.  Hopefully it’s a Blues game but at this point I would settle for an Atlanta Thrashers vs Carolina Hurricanes Replay from seven years ago.

9) I want to watch present day Michael Jordan tear 24-yearold Kobe in a game of one on one.

10) I want the umpire to overturn the call that gave Johan Santana a no-hitter against my Cardinals last year.  Everyone knows that Beltran’s ball was fair.

11) I want to see Babe Ruth look like a fool swinging a forty ounce bat against Justin Verlander.

The above notwithstanding,  I would give up all these vicarious selfish requests just so that the aliens that show up eight days from now don’t look like Fran Drescher.

Tune in for Cookie, tomorrow.

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About the Author ()

Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues… Thus his occasional “Ram Rules” column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he’s Opie Taylor white.

  • Oh Cam. You’re a gin fella.. I’m a vodka girl. We gotta make sure never to mix up our clear spirits. I’m thrilled to have come before Kate Upton in that sentence too.

    Indeed… I think your point about Charile Hustle is a good one. What he did as a player stands on it’s own merits… unlike the rampant ‘roids we’ve got tainting records now.

    And (wait for it) on the NBA… i think the Jordan/Kobe one-on-one would be fantastic. Jordan would knock the smug right offa Kobe.

    Hockey. It’s f*cking tragic this whole thing.

    • Cam_James

      I’m a wodka guy too but my discerning tastes were not met by the free vodka last night. but the free gin was good quality so i switched it up… Something about free booze is just better than booze you pay for. it could be prison wine and i would take it over grey goose if it was free.

      • i hear ya on the free booze tasting better Cam.. but I just really can’t stomach the taste of gin. YEEEEEESH.

    • We’re not the biggest fans of Kobe – and we are big Jordan fans – but Kobe is right up there with Mike.

      • Cam_James

        Blasphemy. In the words of Larry Bird, “MJ is a better player than Kobe because he made the players around him better. I can’t say that about Kobe.”

  • AngryWard

    I want to see Ichiro sign with the Mets. And I’ll take that cigar. And Golden State wins in Miami. All praise to Yim.

    • Cam_James

      All cigar claims can be redeemed at boxers. They have a wide variety of gauges and flavors.

      • Big Fat Toad

        I have a cigar in my boxers you can smoke.

    • OregonPete23

      I want Ichy to bring me my cigar before the world ends. And bow. I want Ichy to bow to me.

    • AZ2FLA

      I saw that Warriors vs Heat game. That win was not a fluke. An NBA team playing like a team…..this is a sign that the apocalypse is near!

      • AngryWard

        If you didn’t read that SI link I posted Wednesday featuring an opposing team’s scout’s take on the Warriors upcoming season, you should. He made it sound like they’d struggle to win one game.

        • AZ2FLA

          that scout obviously went back to his full-time job of working on the fiscal cliff. Addition by subtraction with Bogut, Rush and Jefferson out.

          • AngryWard

            I think Rush was a loss. Who knows what they’ll get if and when Bogut can play again. Jefferson? No comment.

          • Randy Levine

            Jefferson slept with slaves.

  • Pete Rose is one of those polarizing figures and I’m all for him getting into the Hall.
    I was at the 2002 National Championship game and even from my far away seats the call was a gift from Woody Hayes’ spot in heaven. GO BUCKS!!! O-H…I-O!!!!!!
    Good luck being relieved of your writing obligations. The Matts showed up at the hospital to see if I’d be meeting my deadline–publishing deadline, that is.
    Cam, let the Mets fans have their fun with the no-hitter. Haven’t they been through enough?

    • Pete Rose is, well… cheesy. No offence (Canadian spelling for Angry Ward). But the guy was the greatest hitter in, arguably, baseball’s greatest era. He should be in.

  • Congrats to Rita Moreno for having the dignity to look likea 70 year old should.
    But as far as Rose goes, ball’s in his court. If he comes clean, he regains eligibility. That’s my understanding of the deal he cut w/ Giamatti.

  • Reports of our demise have NOT been exaggerated. A rugby holiday party with open bar is a bad, bad thing. But… We are back and we have a few items to add to this list:

    1) We want to make us all rich!
    2) We want the Mets to wear ONE HAT and away grays and home pinstripes. That’s it.
    3) We want hockey back.
    4) We need tomato soup and and a chicken parm hero, STAT.
    5) We want Cheesy Bruin to write his column for another 60 years.

    • AngryWard

      So many things to comment on here. Where to begin? A rugby holiday party? Can we assume that Junoir Blaber drank himself to death… or, at the very least, flushed his wallet down the toilet? The only chance of you making us rich would be if Short Matt slept with Kate Hudson, which would be followed shortly by her suicide. I’ll take the under on Cheesy Bruin 60 year bet. I think he’ll be alive, but no way in hell he’ll be working for you.

      • bosoxbruins04

        I wouldn’t wish Kate Hudson on my worst enemy.

  • butch gorings nostrils

    If this season is to be salvaged, the Rangers could win the cup. A shortened schedule favors them.

  • A rugby party is a booze fest. A rugby holiday party is a booze orgy. Junoir & Short Matt are alive… booze whores everywhere are whispering their names.

  • AngryWard

    Angels sign Josh Hamilton to 5-year, $25-million contract. Hamilton in LA? Yeah, I like that pairing. Hoo boy. Good thing Lohan will probably be in jail.

    • Dude

      yeah, putting hamilton in a bastion of tattoo parlors and junkies and a guaranteed contract– yeah that’s gonna end well

  • Fran is not bad looking as long as she keeps her mouth shut!!

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