YUCATÁN PENNISULA – The Mayan civilization was founded around 2000 B.C. and there are about 7 million Maya alive today. And by “today” we literally mean.. today. Because like us and Dr. Diz (who figured we wouldn’t need a column this morning), the 13th baktun did NOT mark the end of the world. Baktuns are time cycles of 394 years on the Mayan Calendar. So what does that mean? It means that after spending after spending like drunken sailors on rent, cars and women we can’t afford, that we’re left with the same Mayan Sports Mess that we had before.
New York Mess: Linguists agree that the average 2000 B.C. Mayan would pronounce “Mets” as “Mess.” And while they were way off on their End of Days prediction, they were dead on with this label for the infuriating Flushing franchise. Clearly Fred Wilpon knew the world wasn’t going to end, otherwise he wouldn’t have been dumping salary like a manic Marlin. Nor would he have been dangling Carl Pavano in front of his frustrated fans as the replacement for our deported Dickey.
New York Jets: How bad must Tim Tebow be? They won’t let the guy start… now? We’re left instead with the same rotation of Sanchez and McElroy? Oy vey. But adding to the Gang Green dysfunction tag is the rumor that the Jets don’t want to see Tebow succeed here because it would be embarrassing for the brass. For us, this means they have no clue about the mentality of their fan base. Jet fans would forgive and forget everything if Timmy T came in and saved the day. Clearly Tannenbaum and Rex Ryan simply have no idea what they are doing.
N.Y. Giants: This is a tough bit of medicine that us Big Blue fans are likely going to have to swallow: Tony Romo – not Eli Manning – could very well be in the playoffs this year. While that’s just wrong on every level, it means the reigning Super Bowl Champs won’t get a chance to defend their title. If the damn world had ended, our Giants would have been the last Vince Lombardi winners! To that end, we have this to say to all Dallas Cowboys fans: You and your team suck. And that goes for you, too, Cheesy Bruin.
NHL Lockout: Researchers are now focusing on newly-found stone wall carvings that appear to contradict the original interpretation of the Mayan Doomsday forecast. Apparently, it’s just the end of the NHL Civilization. That makes sense.
Cheesy Bruin, who’s survived more than any of us combined, tomorrow.
P.s… Remember the last time the world ended?
Filed in: The Matts