Baltimore on the Loose (Lewis)

They cut my eyes out!

They cut my eyes out!

Baltimore-  Thanks to 6:00 A.M Morning Matt for buying me some time.  I’m just “crawling from the wreckage” now, as Dave Edmuds once described it.  The carnage of what was once Baltimore is now naught but charred ruins and empty Courvoisier bottles.

Ray Lewis stunned his loyal fan base on Friday by announcing he was done after this playoff run. The fine citizenry of Charm City a.k.a. Harm City a.k.a. Mob Town a.k.a. Bodymore, Murderland, immediately entered a panicked frenzy.  What would they do without their beloved linebacker/murder suspect?

For two days the town was on edge.  It all culminated with yesterday’s game, a home playoff tilt with none other than the Indianapolis, née Baltimore Colts.

Bring home Baltimore’s once-beloved team to play in Ray Lewis’ final home game?  It was too much for people to take.  It’s like telling a man his children are going to die regardless, but at least they’ll go to heaven if he murders his wife.

The town snapped.

At the 1:00 kickoff, the street were empty save for some tumble weeds and a smattering of wandering meth addicts.  The entire metro area, city and suburbs alike, were glued to their television sets, save for the 70,000 who were in the stadium, screaming like banshees.

Lewis came out of the runway, sporting a new, ultra black face mask and did his insane, hellish chicken dance for the last time.

He then went on to have a double digit tackle game.

He had half a sack.

He dropped a sure interception.

"I demand virgin sacrifices!"

“I demand virgin sacrifices!”

He stood triumphant at midfield at the end of the game, a Ravens victory in hand, holding Andrew Luck’s severed head aloft, and exploded into one last spasmodic ritualized dance.

The fans’ blood lust reached a fever pitch.  How could they honor this noble warrior who won them a Super Bowl, a Super Bowl MVP, 2 NFL Defensive Player of the Year awards, the mantle of greatest middle linebacker to ever grace the gridiron, and a ticket for the then-biggest fine ever: a quarter of a million dollars in 2000 for being convicted of obstruction of justice while helping his blood-soaked, knife-wielding friends dodge a murder rap?

There was only way action that could do this justice: Burn down Baltimore!

Of course about a quarter of the city burned down and was boarded up years ago, but that still left a lot of row houses aching for the torch.

We set this f-in city on fire.  We sacrificed virgins.  We had sex with goats.  We honored Ray Lewis.

And now we’re hoping FEMA will help pay to clean up the mess.

Donna Summer would love this last, Last Dance.

Dancing fool Grote2DMax, tomorrow.

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About the Author ()

Mattville's George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn't have a cell phone or cable, he's crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist's by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: (
  • The last place to direct any hope is toward any federal entity let alone FEMA. I have my opinions about Ray Lewis but they’re not popular by any means.

  • AngryWard

    The fact that I think this is the greatest article ever says a lot about what type of person I am. Thank you. Roll Tide.

    • This is the 2nd greatest column ever, behind the one that was written at 6am in utter panic… Panic Points carry it, regardless of content.

      • Sam’s-A-Fan

        Yeah, but you didn’t say “Roll Tide.”

  • A bit late but you never disappoint Prof. The poetic beauty of Ravens versus Colts for Ray Lweis’s last game almost slipped my mind. Ray Lewis is right up there with other Baltimore legends as Marlow Stansfield and Johnny Unitas.

    • Cam_James

      Thanks for the backup the other night my friend. The Argentinian back line sucks.

      • So was it a Waldorf kind of night for you? And next time I see you, you gotta fill me in on how my thoughts were part of the set-up.

        • Cam_James

          What do you think? ABC always be closing….

    • “Almost slipped my mind,” means it slipped your mind.

  • Sorry for the delay, but I had to clean off the virgin blood. And for the record, they were male virgins.

    • Is there any other kind of virgin? That’s why we’re so into sports.

  • Diff

    Would anyone even notice if Baltimore burned to the ground?

  • WestCoastCraig

    They have to lose next week. If this becomes a sentimental, Win-For-Ray run I won’t be able to stomach it.

  • Grote2Dmax

    I’m Raven about this column

  • Time Warp Tony

    Where the hell was Bert Jones yesterday and who the Hell is Ray Lewis?!

    • Tony, your timing is impeccable. Bert out hunting with Stan White.

  • AngryWard

    Ah to be single and horny. I remember those days… kinda.

  • AngryWard

    Roll Tide.

  • AngryWard

    Roll Tide.

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