Angry Ward Wednesday: Zero Dark Wardy

Angry Ward on Sundays

2012 Angry Ward

NEW YORK, NY – This year I’m on a mission, and a very difficult one at that. My objective is to not be so dark and negative about things. If 2012 taught me one thing (and scores of algebra teachers will tell you that it’s hard to teach me anything) it’s that life is fleeting and we should appreciate all that we have. I’m trying to apply these same principles to sports, and thus far it has not been easy. Here’s what I’m talking about…

Vikes-a-done. Coming off a three-win season, my Minnesota Vikings miraculously made it to the playoffs this year as one-man wrecking crew Adrian Peterson came up nine yards shy of the single-season rushing record. So I’m all primed for their game with Green Bay last Saturday night only to find that starting QB Christian Ponder is a no-go. chicago-bears-bob-avellini-98-topps-1976-nfl-american-football-trading-card-6548-pNo big deal, I think, maybe backup Joe Webb’s rushing skills will give the Pack fits. Turns out, either Webb or the coaches had different plans. After successfully running down the field the first drive, Webb took to the air with an assault of dying quails and worm-burners not seen since Bob Avellini QB’d the Bears. In retrospect Minnesota very well may have been able to win that game had Ponder played. No sense crying over spilled milk. There’s always next year.

Fantasy Flops. My Fantasy Football Pool had its annual playoff pool draft, where we only draft players on teams in the post-season. I thought I had a pretty good haul, getting Aaron Rodgers with the second pick overall and picking up guys like Cincy receiver A.J. Green and bruising Redskins running back Alfred Morris with later picks. So what happens? The Packers decide to run the ball and dink and dunk their way down the field as Rodgers throws for single short TD. Cincinnati, meanwhile, inexplicably completely ignores their all-world receiver Green in the first half. By the time they figured out they should throw it to him, they were busy making golf reservations. Then Sunday night Morris, looking like a black John Riggins, shreds Seattle’s defense on the opening drive. So what does Mike Shanahan do? He sacrifices his injured franchise quarterback with a series of ill-conceived runs and forgets about Morris. The Skins never did truly return to Morris as they squandered a two touchdown lead to a team with an injured kicker and lost the game. I don’t understand how some of these coaches keep their jobs. Not happy about this, but what can you do.

chixI Dig Chix. Monday I was thinking of quelling any potential simmering rage with some comfort food. Problem is, while I was down in Florida I really developed a taste for Chik-Fil-A and their signature chicken sandwich. I am serious, I have been pretty good at avoiding fast food of late but this simple sandwich (chicken breast on a bun with pickles) is awesome. So, basically, that’s all I wanted. Problem is, there’s only one Chick-Fil-A in New York at it’s down at NYU. Not knowing whether I could even enter this University dining facility and purchase a sandwich with cash was enough to quash any potential trip down there. If anyone can advise me on this, I would appreciate it. I’m not going to get upset until I know for a fact that I can’t have one. (Just checked and it seems like I can. This positive attitude is already paying dividends.)

NHL on Earth. The NHL lockout is over. Praise be to Yim. But, should we really forgive and forget? I’m trying not to be negative but I tend to agree with Johnny Rox on this and other sports strikes: at some point the fans need to band together and send a message by picking a night and not attending a single game. Doubt it will ever happen but it’s nice to think about.

Roll Tide. Grote gave you the bloody blow-by-blow on college football’s National Championship Game yesterday as Alabama, in keeping with their lumbering elephant mascot, trampled Notre Dame. I watched enough of the game to know that the Irish were as over-matched as an eight-year-old one-legged mute in a shower with Jerry Sandusky. For most, this game was a lose-lose in that there are no shortage of Bama and Gold Dome haters out there. For me personally, the lesser of two evils won. I can’t stand Nick Saban, but at least I rarely run into Crimson Tide supporters in the Northeast. Once more with feeling: Roll Tide!

Nah... Not creepy at all.

Nah… Not creepy at all. Roll Tide!

That’s all for me today. Thus far, mission accomplished. Tune in tomorrow for Cam or Lori or DJ or a giant squid.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • OregonPete23

    Reconstructive surgery for RG3. Didn’t realize he’s already had an ACL graft on that knee. That was probably the worst handling of a young star and the worst game-calling I’ve seen in the playoffs. Expected more out of Shanahan but now he’s just a whore. And I don’t know who Yim is, but Skins fans should pray to him. 😉

    • AngryWard

      It was spectacularly horrible play calling by Shanahan and son, especially with a 2 td lead.

      • It violates all the tenets of being a good coach.

        • Shanahan hasn’t been a good coach since he left the Broncos. (Damn it gives me great pleasure saying that.)

  • Nick Saban

    Zero Dark Wardy should be Team Sixed after that Sandusky comment.

    • AngryWard

      Yeah, probably.

      • Fine with me. It just underlines what a joke college football is.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      Team Sixed? Is that when Sandusky and 5 of his NAMBLA pals gang up on Ward in the shower? I think that is a pretty severe reaction to a crass yet funny joke.

  • SentFromMyBlackberryWireles

    Oprah Winfrey Gets Exclusive Interview with Lance Armstrong

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Mmmmm! Giant calamari tomorrow!

    • And a Happy Belated Bday to you Sam’s A Fan! 🙂

      • Sam’s-A-Fan

        Thank you kindly ma’am! And thanks to Ward, and Short Mat who also wished me well on my special day, and yes, Ward, I did have plenty of the good brown likkers, and I chilled them with the two inch spherical ice cubes I made with the special ice cube molds my wife got me for the occasion!

  • Praise Yim.. college football is over and the NHL is back.

    Angry Ward.. be thankful that you can’t find a Chik-Fil-A around these parts. It saves you from becoming a blimp. If there were a Cinnabon anywhere near me, you wouldn’t be calling me Cookie, you’d be calling me the whole fricking Cake.

    • yeah Cakey’s corner doesn’t have the same ring to it.

      • You’d all be pleased to know that a few days ago I contracted the flu and am actually in need of a few cakes for what was wasted away off me. Yeeeesh.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      Can we shorten “Whole fricking Cake” to Ho-Cake (I’m taking a little license here)? Then we’d have Ho-Cake’s Corner, and I think we’d really have something?

      • AngryWard

        The proprietor’s of Winky Dinky Dog/Winky Dinky Ho-Cake might sue us.

      • WestCoastCraig

        Ho’s got to eat too. Thanks for putting this song in my head all day:

        • I knew I shouldn’t have hit that link. My day has now gone horribly wrong.

    • I already new Saban was a Knute, but thanks for confirming!!

    • Silver a friend of yours, Professor?

  • Cam_James

    I have read a lot of what the Giant Squid has written and its pretty good. I especially liked “50 shades of Grey ink”

  • Happy Birthday, Different Matt! May your day be full of great hockey fight videos, Guinness and chicken parm!

  • When will sports honchos realize that their kids aren’t all that? We have two words for Mike Shanahan: Jeff Wilpon.

  • Big announcement guys. Three words: Blaber. Family. Wedding!!! Within the next 30-40 days. Both my brothers will be getting married. Stay Tuned!!

    • AngryWard

      Someone better invite Tyler Perry to those weddings so he can take notes.

      • Screw that. Someone should call that sleezebag who made the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ videos. Here’s the next big thing: ‘Blabers Gone Wild.’

  • WestCoastCraig

    What kind of torture did they use on you, ZDW? Waterboarding until you finally coughed up that nugget about Bob Avellini?

    • AngryWard

      Worse. They made me look at LeRoy Neiman paintings.

      • Sam’s-A-Fan

        I’m no Mel Torme, but I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of the Geneva convention!

  • Manti Te’o should return to his roots and play rugby immediately. He was tossed asunder like a rag-doll by the half-shirted fatties of Alabama!

    • AngryWard

      So, those that can’t cut it in football can still be rugby stars? That’s good to know.

      • Hey pencil neck, there 8 billion football players in the US. and Rugby doesn’t have that. This guy has rugby in his bloody genes. He would have a better shot at playing for you national team and a pro contract over seas. Hayden Smith made the bleedin Jets after not ever playing football until May.

        • AngryWard

          Your example is someone making the Jets? Um… OK.

        • Randy Levine

          Pencil neck GEEK that is

  • Grote2Dmax

    You are mellow this year and Carmello is fired up. Shanahan and Son should be running a junk-yard in South Central L.A.

  • The South is always ahead of the curve when it comes to fast-food. From what I understand a good portion of the south serves as a test market for new additions to America’s fast food menus. And Chik-Fil-A is the bomb diggity!
    Ward, you are turning into the FF “QB Mush”.

  • VERY disappointed over HOF voting…
    Julio Franco is one and done failing to get 2% of the vote
    Grote’s favorite, Joe Table, failed to earn one vote.
    THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!

    • Grote2Dmax

      Say it ain’t so, Joe.

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