Resolution! Help For Fired NFL Coaches

Remember this guy?

Remember this guy?

FAT CITY, USAPopulation: Me.

Happy New Year, people. I trust, if you’re reading this, you made it through the night relatively unscathed and are nursing no more than a throbbing migraine. And for all you kids reading this right now: go send a dollar to Soupy Sales.

Anyway, you know what word has slipped down the lexicon and is perhaps close to being listed as endangered? Fatso. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Fatso. It was once the title of a Dom Deluise movie, but Dom Deluise was a product of his era and would just be another regular sized Burt Reynolds sidekick in today’s overweight world. Nowadays, Fatso can apply to 90% of the country, and they don’t like to be called Fatso for some reason. fatsoI can use that word, however, because over the last two weeks I’ve become very much a Fatso in good standing. It’s the holidays! Enjoy! You’ll work it off in the new year! I blame the bacon wrapped dates at a Christmas Eve party for finally putting me over the top, but it’s been nothing but hearty leftovers ever since and I haven’t looked back. I ended 2012 at my heaviest of the year, reaching that comfortably sedentary state where the effort to get up off the couch just doesn’t seem worth it.

Well, hello 2013. You say you want a resolution, well you know, we all want to change our pants… If the Senate can come to a resolution in the opening hours of the year, I’m sure I can find some bogus compromise that makes nobody happy as well; I’ll find some weight loss program. This time of year the airwaves are packed with options, so let’s see if I can work some of the carnage of yesterday’s Fired NFL Coaches in there.

P90X: The “extreme” workout system over 12 discs of cardio and weights, for people who like a weird, intense guy with shiny teeth yelling at them. Sounds like the perfect plan for ex-Cardinal coach Ken Wisenhunt.

MTM Xmas 2012b

Weight Watchers: Spokesperson Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, and thus won’t be pitching the point based system for the next few months. Might I suggest replacing her with Romeo Crennel, canned from the Kansas City Chiefs. Not only is the guy a walking “before” picture, his teams have never been known for accumulating points.

Jillian Michaels: The Biggest Loser celebu-trainer has turned her brand of tough love into a cottage industry with equipment, video games, and discs featuring cute back-up exercisers she’s constantly flirting with. This has to go to a guy with a name like Lovey Smith.

Your Shape: This is a good one if you’ve got an Xbox and a Kinnect, since it captures an image of you and then puts you through a number of specialized workouts..holidaycards-browns.though it rarely sees you right, and has an annoying habit of misinterpreting your motions and contradicting itself in its coaching. This would be perfect for both Andy Reid and Norv Turner.

Cleanse: These seem to be gaining popularity, probably because it just seems tortuous enough to work. The idea is to detox the body by consuming nothing but lemon water with a little cayenne pepper and your own urine. Nobody needs a detoxing like the Bills and Browns do after the stink of Chan Gailey and Pat Shurmur.

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About the Author ()

West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.
  • OregonPete23

    If Gailey gets another head coaching job the FBI needs to investigate. And watch KC turn it around with a coach that isn’t more worried about Twinkies than he is a game plan.

    • DannyBax

      Happy New Year every body… I feel the same way about Norv Turner. I moved to Southern California when the Chargers were turning things around with a guy named Drew Brees. Then they brought in David Rivers and Norv Turner and have gotten worse every year. With the Bolts and Padres, sports sucks in this town.

      • buffalobilly84

        Try living in Buffalo!

        • doc diz

          it’s a drinkin’ town with a football problem

  • Happy New Year!!! Thanks to all of you, especially our beleaguered yet always entertaining contributors, for a great 2012!

  • AngryWard

    Craig, that Crennel line about accumulating points made me laugh out loud. I feel that 2013 is gonna be as hilarious as 2012 was tragic. Thanks for getting things kicked off right.

    • WestCoastCraig

      not bad for not sitting down to it until after stumbling home at one in the morning.

  • Cookie

    I have a hard time beleiving you’re at Fatso status WCC.

    Here’s some advice for weight loss…sign up for some athletic events. Nothing will get you off your ass faster than the impending doom of having to do something if you’re fat and untrained.

    • WestCoastCraig

      There are a couple of rides on the horizon…including this year’s L’Etap du California, only this year’s course won’t be up Mount Baldy but down near San Diego somewhere.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Andy Reid and Norv Turner are taking over my and Angry Ward’s column respectively. Thanks for the laughs, Fatso.

    • WestCoastCraig

      Each column would totally mismanage their time-outs.

  • WestCoastCraig

    That Christmas card makes me think of the new Michael Bay movie.

  • Will 12/31/12 be forever remembered ad Bloody Monday??

    I have never seen seen carange like that in one day of the NFL.

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