FRESH: Foundation for Really Everyone Screwed in Hockey [Lockout]


ST. LOUIS, MO – For as long as I can remember, the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve meant one thing and one thing only: Blues vs. Blackhawks.  It never mattered where I was living or what needed to be done.  I went to the St. Louis vs Chicago game come hell or high water…  or a man-made disaster. This year, that ceremonious pleasure was taken from me.

Hooters Penalty Boxes

Hooters Penalty Boxes

As a young child in St. Louis, this game gave me the opportunity to learn the finer four letter words of the English language.  As a teenager, I gained the drunken courage to use them in anger towards women and children wearing Chris Chellios jerseys.  As a college student, I watched the games from the Hooter’s Box seats, knowing that after I left the stadium there were 10-15 girls with very low self esteem waiting for me back at the restaurant.  When I moved to New York, all my Christmas plans were made around the game in hopes that in addition to the game itself I could buy one night of solitude away from the family. Well… all I have to say about the NHL right now is that Congress passed Fiscal Cliff Legislation.

This makes it official: The NHL and its Players Union are officially the most preposterously inefficient organizations of fools in this country.  The FEDERAL GOVERNMENT BEAT YOU TO A SOLUTION TO A MUCH LARGER PROBLEM!  How do you become more inefficient than Congress?  Congress is the definition of square peg vs round hole!

Seriously, when you look at it, the Fiscal Cliff is not so different than the situation the NHL.  In both situations, if nothing is done everyone loses.  From a micro prospective, the NHL situation is actually much worse for the economies involved.  In the 30 markets affected by the lockout, thousands of jobs have been lost.  Businesses like bars, restaurants are retailers are seeing massive declines in sales – and there is no end in sight. As for the Fiscal Cliffers, at worst they’d only have had to cut the average program’s budget 8-10%.  In the case of the NHL, entire programs would disappear, never to be seen again.

hockeygirlThis peripheral effect is the exact reason why Penn State did not receive the death penalty, despite the Nittany Lions deserving the death penalty for a DECADE or TWO!  The innocent residents and business owners of Happy Valley, however, did not deserve to be punished for someone else’s sins.

So while Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr sit around and argue about millions that are not there (I love hockey but hockey isn’t football), the Zamboni drivers, concession clerks and bartenders of Calgary, San Jose, Toronto, Denver, and Newark are all counting their looneys, tooneys, Sacajawea’s and Susan B’s – just trying to make ends meet as they have all been canned.

It is for these people that I am starting a new charity I am calling it the Foundation for Really Everyone Screwed in Hockey or simply F.R.E.S.H.  Slogan you ask? “Lets Get FRESH”  Celebrity endorsement? Neil Patrick Harris.  Fundraising Event?  Meet The Matts Thong Hockey.  That’s right, the coming to a bar near you, only on Pay Per View (and you know you want to view it twice) MTM Thong Hockey Spectacular.  I envision a three on three match-up between Short Matt myself and Cheesy Bruin versus Junoir Blaber, The Public Professor and Different Matt.  I figure Blaber and Prof have to be on the same team since they are both obviously the Shirts team… even without a shirt.  Our goalies will be guest players.  I’m hoping to lock up Rex Ryan and Danny Bonaducci.

Lori Levine & The Public Professor tanning For MTM Thong hockey

Lori Levine & The Public Professor ready for MTM Thong Hockey

So who is with me?  Let’s make MTM Thong Hockey the greatest FRESH promotion of the year.

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About the Author ()

Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and now plays hardball for a team based out of Harlem. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.
  • bosoxbruins04

    The Professor must work out! And I want Lori on my team!

    • Baaseball Lifer

      Wow! I’m not even a hockey fan but now I miss it! But seriously, Betman and Fehr should not get paid a dime in salary for this joke of negotiations.

  • Cheesy Bruin

    Cam, I’m glad to share a healthy hatred of Chris Chelios with you. He once took a run at St. Ray in Chi-town and the loathing reached it’s peak when he played for Les Canadiens. Perfect, and I mean PERFECT lower body on the “blonde” Hooters girl–I want her to hip check me.

    • Cam_James

      chelios can burn and that blonde will likely make you burn in 5-7 days…

    • Diff

      I’d like to serve a slashing penalty in that girl’s box.

  • Junoir Blaber

    If it is floor hockey, then I am in. Strangely enough, I prefer to shoot lefty, though I am a right!!

    • Cheesy Bruin

      They call that “playing the ‘off’ wing”.

    • RugbyWrapUp

      Ghana rugby guys can’t skate?

  • Big Fat Toad

    I’d bang the Professor.

  • david

    hockey is a niche sport. albeit cool in bikinis.

  • AngryWard

    Is that the Staten Island Ferry Lori and the Prof are on? From the looks of those two jamooks in the background, I’d say yes. As for the Blackhawks, I love their unis but my disdain for that team dates back to the days of Savard and Secord.

  • Diff

    Every day this lockout continues, my soul dies a little bit more. I keep trying to be optimistic but I’m running out of steam. When do pitchers and catchers report?

  • Yankee Joe

    St Louis Blows and Chicago Blow gawks are lucky hockey is in shitter Rangers would win.But I want to oil Lori at spring training for another Yankee winning season!!

  • butch gorings nostrils

    I still can’t believe the NHL is down but there is some good hockey to watch with the internationals!

  • Nick Erbocker

    Nets looked great last night and the Knicks are beating the Spurs. Who needs hockey??

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