NFL Playoffs Recap & Things To Do While Not Watching !@#$ Lance Armstrong

One ball too many.

One ball too many.

“… shame on that hoary billionaire Winfrey for foisting this piece of human excrement on us.”

LE FRENCH ALPS – We’ll get to this weekend’s scintillating NFL playoff action, believe you me.  But first I’d like to begin with a list of things I’d rather do than watch Lance Armstrong on the Ophrah Winfrey Show copping to PED use:

  • Eat rancid pork
  • Have sex with Joan Rivers (apologies to Louie CK)
  • Drink hot hippopotamus urine
  • Attend a Justin Bieber concert
  • Have my teeth broken on a curb
  • Shave Grote2DMax’s back
  • Get my nuts chewed off by a badger
  • Watch Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Mike Piazza, and Sammy Sosa admit they roided up while having an orgy with the hostesses of The View.

Seriously.  I despise Armstrong; everyone already knows he was doping; and Oprah bores me to tears.  So really, what’s the point of all this?

Oh yeah, it’s a contrivance designed to help us sympathize for Armstrong as we watch him sob and begin to rehabilitate his public image.

Dance with me!

!@#$ that.  Let this piece of sh!t choke on his lies as we banish him to anonymity.  He shoulda gone out gracefully and died from ball cancer when he had the chance.

Am I right, Cheesy Bruin?

And shame on that hoary billionaire Winfrey for foisting this piece of human excrement on us, and worse, for helping him reclaim his celebrity and fortune.  She should rot as well for playing ring master in this unseemly charade.

NFLAlright, enough of that.  Let’s talk about how it went down this weekend.  First was the best game of this post-season, the BaltimoreDenver knockdown-drag out.  An instant classic.  Last week I wrote about how Baltimoreans burned this city to the ground after their first round home victory over Cincinnati.  This time, every man, woman, and child whooped, hooted, and hollered like it was Planet of the Apes in here.  I can hear them banging femur bones on the monolith as we speak.  I think if I can predict the next solar eclipse, I can rule this place outright.

The Green BaySF match-up was disheartening for one simple reason:  I’ve spent much of the season chronicling what dick Jim Harbaugh is.  Just kills your soul a little bit to see him doing well.  Here’s hoping he blows an eardrum in the Georgia Dome next week.

Speaking of Hot ‘Lanta . . . I don’t know what to say about this bunch.  It’s like they trademarked the word choke or something.  But maybe this is it.  Maybe they turned that corner when Matt Ryan quickly led them down the field to set up the game-winning field goal.  And what a field goal it was.  A monster shot by Matt Bryant.  He’s been one of the best kickers in the game for a while now.  Canning him in favor of Mike Nugent is just one of many examples why Raheem Morris was such a disaster in Tampa Bay.

Orgy time!

Finally, there was that game in The Middle Of Friggin’ Nowhere, Mass.  New York fans rightfully bitch about commuting to and fro that cookie cutter in the Meadowlands, but good luck finding Fucksboro on a map.  It’s between a state forest and a reservoir.  Really.

Anyway, here’s hoping the Ravens go in there next week and rip Tom Brady’s head off.

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Mattville’s George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn’t have a cell phone or cable, he’s crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward’s Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist’s by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: (

  • The Public Professor: This article is as good as it gets and we know that you are a private person – no cell phone or cable – but we can’t keep your January Retirement Tour a secret any longer. People need to know that they are going to be without this “Pundit In His Prime” – which is what Kay Gardella called you on TMZ outside Trump Tower. We ask that you at least give us the Tony Gonzalez 5% window of not retiring. Otherwise the public will be sorely lacking for your “collisions of culture and sports” that it so sorely needs. Your take on all-things-Oprah is sublime. Your depiction of Baltimore is better than that of The Wire. And there are many examples to learn from of our Greats retiring too early and then coming back:

    So, please… For the good of God & Country. Reconsider.

  • Is there a difference between hot hippo urine and the cold version?
    The Professor is retiring!!! Say it ain’t so, please!
    A cancer foundation built upon the hoax of a cycling dynasty is the same as Sandusky running his Second Mile organization. Any person with C. has to feel like they’ve been “Sanduskied”. And that’s all I’m going to say on that.

  • I am still pained over that Broncos loss. I would also like to say that I am lack to recall anything more annoying than that idiot Ray Lewis spouting nonsense and then hanging all over Peyton Manning.

    All the speculation about Lance’s ‘BIG” interview on Oprah is that his ‘confession’ won’t be all that because there are still some legal ramifications that he can face if he says too much. I’d rather have my teeth pulled than watch it. The interwebs will give us all the nuggets of content needed and the only thing it’s going to be is that he’s going to say that he was doing it because he virtually “HAD* too because others in cycling were. Big whoop. I’d also like to say that though Oprah does a lot of good, I find her so self righteous, she’s unbearable to watch. Anyone who has THAT much money shouldn’t be fat. There. I said it.

    • Sorry bout your Broncs. But God wanted Ray Lewis to win. He told us so. There’s just not much you can do about that.

      • Don’t get your hopes up, Prof. God is 0-1 in the championships. Just as last year’s God Squad member, Tim Tebow. And he wasn’t involved in a knife murder.

        • Diff

          Only God knows where Ray Lewis’ white suit is.

          • Cam_James

            ray lewis needs to be carried away by men in white suits.

        • AngryWard

          And I mean, who wears a white suit to a knife murder anyway? Especially that far after Labor Day.

  • WestCoastCraig

    Professor, you must leave the Baltimore vicinity immediately if you even suspect a small part of you being pulled into that hoopla. I think I’d enjoy the roid-view orgy more than I will watching the AFC Championship between these two. What are we left with here? Pulling for Tony Gonzalez? I guess I have to root for the West Coast team from here on out.

    (also, that was a fantastic Louie episode)

  • buffalobilly84

    Bill Belichick is a dick. That is fo sho!

  • Grote2Dmax

    Man I hate Lance Armstrong.

  • Lance PHArmstrong can go to hell and it is 2013, isn’t Oprah’s show off the air already!!

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