NFL Playoffs Recap & Things To Do While Not Watching !@#$ Lance Armstrong

14 Comments
One ball too many.

One ball too many.

“… shame on that hoary billionaire Winfrey for foisting this piece of human excrement on us.”

LE FRENCH ALPS – We’ll get to this weekend’s scintillating NFL playoff action, believe you me.  But first I’d like to begin with a list of things I’d rather do than watch Lance Armstrong on the Ophrah Winfrey Show copping to PED use:

  • Eat rancid pork
  • Have sex with Joan Rivers (apologies to Louie CK)
  • Drink hot hippopotamus urine
  • Attend a Justin Bieber concert
  • Have my teeth broken on a curb
  • Shave Grote2DMax’s back
  • Get my nuts chewed off by a badger
  • Watch Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Mike Piazza, and Sammy Sosa admit they roided up while having an orgy with the hostesses of The View.

Seriously.  I despise Armstrong; everyone already knows he was doping; and Oprah bores me to tears.  So really, what’s the point of all this?

Oh yeah, it’s a contrivance designed to help us sympathize for Armstrong as we watch him sob and begin to rehabilitate his public image.

Dance with me!

!@#$ that.  Let this piece of sh!t choke on his lies as we banish him to anonymity.  He shoulda gone out gracefully and died from ball cancer when he had the chance.

Am I right, Cheesy Bruin?

And shame on that hoary billionaire Winfrey for foisting this piece of human excrement on us, and worse, for helping him reclaim his celebrity and fortune.  She should rot as well for playing ring master in this unseemly charade.

NFLAlright, enough of that.  Let’s talk about how it went down this weekend.  First was the best game of this post-season, the BaltimoreDenver knockdown-drag out.  An instant classic.  Last week I wrote about how Baltimoreans burned this city to the ground after their first round home victory over Cincinnati.  This time, every man, woman, and child whooped, hooted, and hollered like it was Planet of the Apes in here.  I can hear them banging femur bones on the monolith as we speak.  I think if I can predict the next solar eclipse, I can rule this place outright.

The Green BaySF match-up was disheartening for one simple reason:  I’ve spent much of the season chronicling what dick Jim Harbaugh is.  Just kills your soul a little bit to see him doing well.  Here’s hoping he blows an eardrum in the Georgia Dome next week.

Speaking of Hot ‘Lanta . . . I don’t know what to say about this bunch.  It’s like they trademarked the word choke or something.  But maybe this is it.  Maybe they turned that corner when Matt Ryan quickly led them down the field to set up the game-winning field goal.  And what a field goal it was.  A monster shot by Matt Bryant.  He’s been one of the best kickers in the game for a while now.  Canning him in favor of Mike Nugent is just one of many examples why Raheem Morris was such a disaster in Tampa Bay.

Orgy time!

Finally, there was that game in The Middle Of Friggin’ Nowhere, Mass.  New York fans rightfully bitch about commuting to and fro that cookie cutter in the Meadowlands, but good luck finding Fucksboro on a map.  It’s between a state forest and a reservoir.  Really.

Anyway, here’s hoping the Ravens go in there next week and rip Tom Brady’s head off.

Facebook Comments
Share Button

Filed in: The Public Professor
Tagged with:

About the Author ()

Mattville's George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn't have a cell phone or cable, he's crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist's by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: ThePublicProfessor.com (http://www.thepublicprofessor.com/).

Back to Top