Grote’s Gripes: Super Storylines; Super Bowl Hype Begins

Don't Make Me Shove This Levitating Pen Up Your Ass

Don’t Make Me Shove This Levitating Pen Up Your Ass

BALTIMORE, MD –  Super Bowl XLVII is set.  The dreaded San Francisco 49ers are back in the big game thanks to Mike Smith’s Falcons choking away a double digit half time lead for the second time in two weeks.  This time Matty Ice-cold couldn’t drive them for a last minute come from behind victory.  They will face the surging Ravens of Baltimore.  There are many story lines to this game and I’d like to give you a handy guide as to what you may hear in the upcoming 12 days leading up to Super Sunday.  These story lines are about to get nauseating so take precaution.

Oh, Brother:  Every little aspect of life between brothers Jim and John Harbaugh are going to be brought to the forefront as the classic “sports human interest” storyline.  The same old garbage stories are going to be played out.  Who are the parents going to be rooting for?  Will mom wear one team’s jersey while dad wears the other’s?  Blah blah blah.  What I’d really like to see is a story about how, deep down, John despises his younger brother Jim because he is an arrogant prick and always has been.  Now that would be refreshing.  Arrogant prick Jeremy Schaap is the obvious choice for reporter.

A Mission From God: Ray Lewis is playing his last game on Super Bowl Sunday.  This (black and) blues brother has also been praising God for the better part of the past decade so it will be no surprise to see at least a dozen profiles focusing on Lewis and his faith.  According to Lewis himself, he has had some recent conversations with God.  He also believes that God has a hand in the results of the games.  Praising God can only enhance his chances of winning.  It is as simple as that.  I’d like to see someone do an in-depth analysis why God wants someone like Lewis to succeed while letting someone like Tim Tebow sit on the Jets bench behind Mark Sanchez.  Maybe God likes bad boys.  Solomon Wilcots is the obvious choice for reporter.

Mark Rypien and Anglea Rypien Meet_The_MattsQuarterback Style: Colin Kaepernick is looking to become the first of the new breed hybrid QB’s to win a Super Bowl.  These new style QB’s are just as dangerous with their running ability as they are with their passing because they run a lot of read option plays.  The group includes Robert Griffin III, Can Newton and Russell Wilson Joe Flacco on the other hand is looking to win one for the classic pocket passers.  If Kaepernick wins, he’ll have a few years to prove that he is better than the current bottom five worst Super Bowl winning starting QB’s.  Those currently are (from best to worst) Mark Rypien with Lingerie Football QB/daughter Angela), Doug Williams, Brad Johnson, Jeff Hostetler and Trent Dilfer.  Trent Dilfer is the obvious choice for reporter (he is also bottom five in that category).

They Really Let Dilfer Hold The Trophy?

Twitter Bowl: Each year, Twitter sports quotes get bigger and bigger and I’m sure some knucklehead or some knucklehead’s wife will take to twitter to say something unbelievably stupid leading up to this year’s Super Bowl.  I can already see Michael Crabtree’s opening tweet: “Hey New Orleans, hide your kids, hide your wives, hide your husbands cuz I’m raping everything around here“.  Marble-mouthed Shannon Sharpe is the obvious choice for reporter.

Stay tuned tomorrow for someone with a Meet The Matts sanctioned Twitter accountAngry Ward.

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About the Author ()

Grote2DMax (aka Kevin McGrory) is another of our Bronx-raised, urban white trash writers. Having grown up with Angry Ward, Cheesy Bruin, The Public Professor, JG Clancy (Mattville’s Otis of Mayberry) and Tall Matt. What’s really odd about him, however, is that he and Tall Matt both liked the NFL Rams and MLB Mets?! Bouncing twin boys, Matt & Matt, have forced him to hang up his keyboard to keep his lovely bride from socking him – and us – in the nose… but he still tosses a gem every now and then and can be seen on Twitter – @Grote2DMax. We’re luck to have him.

  • vinny from brooklyn

    mets signed pedro feliciano to a minor league deal.

    • Grote2Dmax

      Canyon of heroes here we come.

    • Along with Laffey, we don’t see the Mets losing more than 40 games… By May 20th.

  • Where were the Jets when all these quarterbacks were being drafted? And Jim Harbaugh is the new Jon Gruden. Let’s not forget what an asshole he was.

    • Grote2Dmax

      Oh I don’t forget things like that.

    • The Jets were busy locking up Snatchez, despite our voiced outrage! And yes, Jon Gruden is a jackass.

  • AngryWard

    Jim Harbaugh is impossible to root for, which means I’m pulling for Baltimore, a team I have no use for, in the Super Bowl. This seems like one of those years when the only good option is to get blackout drunk for the big game. Amazing how often it tracks out like that.

    • Grote2Dmax

      Exactly. I hope the Ravens knock out 2/3rds of the team and the head coach.

    • I’ll take as*hole over murderer ANY. DAY.

    • The Giants won the World Series & Jim Harbaugh is the bigger d-bag of the two. But Ray Lewis has 6 kids with 4 women, a VERY shady past and already has a ring… We’re going with Slam Shady.

  • Cam_James

    When did Ray lewis get religious? Before or after he got off for helping commit murder? I guess god kept him out of jail because god wants him on the football field….. ray lewis can shove it. Why is it that a guy like ray lewis is praised to the rafters and a guy like Mike Vick who pays his debt to society and by all accounts turns his life around is still regarded as a societal pariah?

    Are we as a society saying its OK to kill humans but don’t mess with our puppies?

    • Grote2Dmax

      Ray didn’t kill anyone. He just had some friends with issues. Michael Vick is just a punk.

      • Yes Cam. Ray Lewis found religion as many people do after they kill someone. And Grote.. i don’t care if he killed anyone or not… he tried to obstruct justice.. he knew all about it.. and that’s just as bad. Roxy.. from yesterday… i was a CRJ minor with aspirations of going to law school and getting turned off by how much stuff is plead out in the criminal courts. I don’t think the fact that victims in the Ray Lewis case had records is justification of murder.

        • Invisible Man

          Stop the lynching. Lewis MURDERED NOBODY. He made bad decisions and got celebrity treatment just like any Kennedy has for the past 50 years. Ted Kennedy killed a girl. Did you lynch him?

          • Doc Diz

            Kennedy should have gone to prison for that…any of us would have. Just because he got off is not an excuse for others. Heck, by that rationale Hitler was OK, since Stalin and Mao pulled the same mass murder crap and got away with it.

          • We tend to agree with Invisible Man on this one…

            Cookie, your angry Latina side is showing – and we like it. Perphaps you’ve got a topic for Friday…

            Dr. Diz, Doc Diz and Doctor Diz: Comparing Ray Lewis’ case to that of Hitler, Stalin and Mao Zedong (and what a dong he was!) isn’t exactly apples to apples… A) Ray Lewis may or may not have been witness to a a murder. The Big Three slaughtered tens of millions of people. B) Said trio were not pulling their shenanigans (that’s got to be the first time anyone referred to their collective atrocities as such) on our turf! Not with our armed citizens ready to blow off their heads – and anyone else’s that sneezed/scared them. Further, Hitler didn’t have such a great end.

          • I wouldn’t root for Hitler’s team either. (And actually, i usually root for whatever team is playing AGAINST Germany in the World Cup. 😉

          • You’re right Invisible Man .. on the Kennedy point. As for Lewis.. he was definitely an accessory to it. I wouldn’t root for Kennedy’s team either!~

        • Cam_James

          AMEN! preach cookie!

  • How can I join the Latino Social Club?

    • You can have my spot, Prof as a token Latina. I’m getting the eff outta it because i’ve had a belly full of Eva Longoria. The earth needs to swallow her up along with Ray Lewis.

  • AngryWard

    I’d like to see Bernard Pollard take Jim Harbaugh’s head off and hand it to his brother as a trophy.

    • The Harbaugh Award…. brought to you by Anacin &!

  • Say Hey Kid

    San Francisco is the new Boston with the 49ers, Giants and Warriors… Maybe not the last one so much but my point is that at least people in SF are nice. Sorry Massholes.

    • Say Hey Kid… We forgive you – just you – for leaving the Polo Grounds with your Giants… only because you came back to our beloved NY Mets… But with all due respect, we can find a ton of people not to like in Frisco.

    • AngryWard

      I like that you included the Warriors!

  • Doc Diz

    Kinda funny how after you are involved with killing someone you find God.

  • Diff

    I hate the Niners. Have to pull for Baltimore.

    Mark Rypien!!!!! I had completely forgotten about him.

    • Wait!

      • Mark Rypien is front and center in our lives because his HOT DAUGHTER is our Facebook friend.

        • Cam_James

          target aquired

        • Grote2Dmax

          That is why Rypien was listed as the best of the worst. If you look at the list most of the winners were pretty damn good QB’s. Joe Namath almost made the worst list.

          • AngryWard

            Namath maybe should have made worst list. He made a career meal out of that Super Bowl prediction, as well as that year he accurately predicted that my birthday would suck. The guy had almost 50 more interceptions than he did touchdowns, as well as a pretty awful 50% career completion percentage.

          • Grote2Dmax

            He did acurately predict your birthday would suck a decade back. Had to leave him off the list just for that.

  • WestCoastCraig

    I’ve got to go with the West Coast Team…but only because I cannot, will not, root for Baltimore (unless, of course, I take those points, which I just might…they’re a tough bunch). Jeff Hostetler wasn’t too bad…he’s got to rate ahead of Johnson!

    • Grote2Dmax

      I agree now looking at Hostetler’s stats. He had a few good years so he passes Johnson because of that.

      • DannyBax

        It says you like the Rams. Kurt Warner was a backup that won it.

        • Grote2Dmax

          But he turned out to be a hall of fame player.

  • Grote, Bruins at Rangers rematch tomorrow at 7:30. You are going to like Dougie Hamilton on D–good hockey smarts, sneaky shot, and throws the body at the right time.

    • buffalobilly84

      Watch out for the Sabres this year. Nobody expects them to do anything.

    • Grote2Dmax

      they can go 6 up on the Rangers already

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