Angry Ward Wednesday: Post-Super Bowl Coping Guide


NEW YORK, NY – If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it three or four times, February is the worst month on the calendar. It was awfully swell of the NFL to decide several years back to extend their season and make loads more cash in the process, so that us poor slobs would have something to look forward to in February, but that does not cover up the fact that this cruel 28-day slog is a death march of epic proportions filled with gray skies, cold temps, and the soundtrack of Eyes Wide Shut playing behind it. You’ll only hurt yourself trying to think of ways to escape this tough-to-pronounce wintery gulag, it’s 1,000 miles of nothing in every direction. Best thing you can do is turn up your collar, tuck your chin to your chest, and ride it out as best you can.  Don’t be afraid to entertain those strange thoughts that drift into the transom of your mind either… you can always chalk your erratic behavior up to cabin fever later.  Speaking of which…

Russian sinks teeth into Nets!

Russian sinks [yellow] teeth into Nets!

Here’s a Post-Super Bowl Coping Guide:

The NBA is Fantastic? OK, I’m not ready to go that far yet, but seeing as how my Golden State Warriors are relevant again, I am very much paying attention. Here’s what I gather thus far: The NBA’s Eastern Conference is weak like Ukraine. Golden State is 15-5 versus teams from that conference and have already beat the Heat and the Nets (twice). Looking forward to the game on the 27th at MSG against the Knickerbockers. I’m sure The Matts will furnish me, Dude, and Sam’s-a-Fan with tix.

Think about baseball. It’s never too early to be thinking about the upcoming baseball season… unless you’re a Mets fan. It’s less than a week now until pitchers and catchers report, which means it’s only 54 more days until assholes report to Yankee Stadium.

Television Timeout. Out of nowhere, and late to the game, my wife is now hooked on the series Downton Abbey. After wasting years of my youth watching the likes of Three’s Company and Perfect Strangers, I’m not one to pass judgment on TV choices. In fact, this show spurred an idea of my own. I’m looking to find backers for a reality show about out-of-shape workers in New York’s financial district called, Downtown Flabby. If you know anyone who might be interested, have them contact my agent, Grote2DMax.

Stan the Man. If I may take a moment, how come no one here has even made brief mention of Stan Musial’s passing? For shame. I fully expect Missour’s favorite son Cam James to include some sort of tribute in his next column, even if said column is about some tryst he had years ago with a young lady at a Blues game in between periods (both hers and the game’s). One of the game’s all-time great hitters deserves better than this.

Horse Feathers. While I sit and wait for Cheesy Bruin’s invite for a dead-of-winter slumming it trip to the Meadowlands to watch the trotters, my friend The Knish sent me this amazing video of a Derby prep race run last Saturday at the open-air toilet known as Acqueduct. Check out the #2, Revolutionary. Talk about a closer! Let this also serve as a reminder that there is always gambling… even in February.

Parting thoughts… Mark Teixeira recently all but admitted that he’s old, he sucks, and he’s overpaid and I kinda love him for it. It’s as if he’s saying “I’m not gonna bother juicing, so don’t expect a whole mess of home runs. I will still try to play some D, though.”

Mark Texiera Old and Fat Meet_The_Matts

Somewhere Jim Harbaugh is whining about something. He should be doing tourism spots for California’s wine country… Adios to The Public Professor! Really enjoyed your columns. OK, if I grab your corner office?

Tune in tomorrow for Cam James followed by Perfect Strangers and a very special episode of Mr. Belvedere.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • Rennie

    Harbaugh bitched this time because of ridiculous calls. And Met fans are the assholes. They will pay to watch a dog shit.

    • Rennie… Glad to have you on board but we need to point out two things:
      1) It is universally agreed in Mattville that Jim Harbaugh is rightfully despised.
      2) Despite Angy Ward’s potty mouth, we keep the decorum and language at a PG level here. We thank you for you cooperation and look forward to more of your comments!

    • AngryWard

      Harbaugh bitched not just about the ridiculous calls, he bitched about every call… so long as it went against his team. Didn’t see him complaining about that horrible running into the kicker call that gave Akers a second chance or the non-call late in the game when Flacco got hit two yards out of bounds deep in SF territory. I’ll say it again, he’s the coach that whined wolf. When you crab about every call, good luck getting one when it counts.

  • Is Tex slowing down because of age or is it his 4 chins?

  • Tex is still a fabulous defensive player. I think his stick still has some spark in it. .. ummm.


    • We’ll always said his keester could have it’s own zip code and that he looks like and runs like a doofus, but you gotta respect his quote:

      “I have no problem with anybody in New York, any fan, saying you’re overpaid. Because I am. We all are.”

    • AngryWard

      Cookie, is that yet another movie I saw with you? Jesus, we had a pretty good cinematic stretch there way back when.

      • I have no idea, but i do know that we saw ‘Charlie’s Angels’ together at the $4 Theater. We smuggled in tall boy cans (as usual) and after i noted what a great spy i’d make.. i dropped one on the floor and it rolled up three rows (beer was not open.. no beer lost kids).

        Hey Angry, have you seen ‘Rushmore?’

        • Cam James

          Wes Anderson is one of my favorite film makers. Rushmore is fantastic.

          • I keep telling Angry Ward he has to see it.

          • WestCoastCraig

            I really loved Moonrise Kingdom this year.

          • We’re on the same page WCC. I thought about mentioning that but got sidetracked feeding a midget. I LOVED that movie. The last two of his (including The Life Aquatic) left me feeling he’d lost his edge.. but Moonrise was just spot on.

  • Cam James

    Please Ward. Give me some credit. I’m like Mookie Wilson. The period was under way and so was she.

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Ward, thanks for including that Withers footage. Early prep races don’t often have much to inform us about how the race for the Triple Crown will go, but past winners of the Withers include Sir Barton, Count Fleet, Native Dancer and Bernadini.

    Oh, and by the way, thanks Matts for the Knicks tickets. I won’t give Jimmy Dolan a dime of my money if I can help it, but I’m happy to go on free tickets! And Ward, I will be sure to bring my flask.

  • BetaMax

    What?? Nothing going on in Feb?? It’s National Signing Day! Way better than the NFL draft. Plus the fact that fax technology is still being utilized and that people actually still own faxes amazes me. Who in this day knows how to change those print cartridges? And the fact that Dee Liner (DT) is about to make his college choice to a nationwide audience puts the suspense meter on hyperdrive.

    • AngryWard

      BetaMax, I’m not much for the amount of attention paid to high school athletes, even if they are now going to college. We need to let these kids be kids before we start putting them on ESPN and the like. That being said, I want you to know that my family owned a BetaMax and we still think it was a better choice than VHS dammit.

      • BetaMax

        so we need to start taking teenagers off of the tennis courts and ban them from the US Open, Wimbledon, etc?? No USA gymnasts under 21?? Robin Yount should have been forced to go to school? My point is that these are different times. There is a reason why college sports are more popular than professional sports. Youth is served!

  • February is a terrible month. Thank God for hockey. Despite the score last night, the Rangers played pretty well. Though the power play was atrocious as usual.

    • AngryWard

      It’s still very early but the Pens look strong.

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Yesterday was national pancake day.

    • AngryWard

      That explains all the flat derrieres I spied.

  • WestCoastCraig

    Here’s another rotten February story…Team USA going down in flames to Honduras. Honduras isn’t an easy place to play, but…Honduras.

    • And let’s not forget.. .US Olympic skier Lindsay Vonn goes down (he he) in a horrible crash on the Super G, tearing her ACL/MCL and breaking a tibia bone. She’s out at least eight months… thereby putting in jeopardy gold hopes for the 2014 Winter Olympics. Oh. Wait. Nobody cares about the Winter Olympics. Never mind.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Only Broadway Danny Rose’s agent would be a worse choice than yours truly.

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