Angry Ward Wednesday: Post-Super Bowl Coping Guide

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NEW YORK, NY – If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it three or four times, February is the worst month on the calendar. It was awfully swell of the NFL to decide several years back to extend their season and make loads more cash in the process, so that us poor slobs would have something to look forward to in February, but that does not cover up the fact that this cruel 28-day slog is a death march of epic proportions filled with gray skies, cold temps, and the soundtrack of Eyes Wide Shut playing behind it. You’ll only hurt yourself trying to think of ways to escape this tough-to-pronounce wintery gulag, it’s 1,000 miles of nothing in every direction. Best thing you can do is turn up your collar, tuck your chin to your chest, and ride it out as best you can.  Don’t be afraid to entertain those strange thoughts that drift into the transom of your mind either… you can always chalk your erratic behavior up to cabin fever later.  Speaking of which…

Russian sinks teeth into Nets!

Russian sinks [yellow] teeth into Nets!

Here’s a Post-Super Bowl Coping Guide:

The NBA is Fantastic? OK, I’m not ready to go that far yet, but seeing as how my Golden State Warriors are relevant again, I am very much paying attention. Here’s what I gather thus far: The NBA’s Eastern Conference is weak like Ukraine. Golden State is 15-5 versus teams from that conference and have already beat the Heat and the Nets (twice). Looking forward to the game on the 27th at MSG against the Knickerbockers. I’m sure The Matts will furnish me, Dude, and Sam’s-a-Fan with tix.

Think about baseball. It’s never too early to be thinking about the upcoming baseball season… unless you’re a Mets fan. It’s less than a week now until pitchers and catchers report, which means it’s only 54 more days until assholes report to Yankee Stadium.

Television Timeout. Out of nowhere, and late to the game, my wife is now hooked on the series Downton Abbey. After wasting years of my youth watching the likes of Three’s Company and Perfect Strangers, I’m not one to pass judgment on TV choices. In fact, this show spurred an idea of my own. I’m looking to find backers for a reality show about out-of-shape workers in New York’s financial district called, Downtown Flabby. If you know anyone who might be interested, have them contact my agent, Grote2DMax.

Stan the Man. If I may take a moment, how come no one here has even made brief mention of Stan Musial’s passing? For shame. I fully expect Missour’s favorite son Cam James to include some sort of tribute in his next column, even if said column is about some tryst he had years ago with a young lady at a Blues game in between periods (both hers and the game’s). One of the game’s all-time great hitters deserves better than this.

Horse Feathers. While I sit and wait for Cheesy Bruin’s invite for a dead-of-winter slumming it trip to the Meadowlands to watch the trotters, my friend The Knish sent me this amazing video of a Derby prep race run last Saturday at the open-air toilet known as Acqueduct. Check out the #2, Revolutionary. Talk about a closer! Let this also serve as a reminder that there is always gambling… even in February.

Parting thoughts… Mark Teixeira recently all but admitted that he’s old, he sucks, and he’s overpaid and I kinda love him for it. It’s as if he’s saying “I’m not gonna bother juicing, so don’t expect a whole mess of home runs. I will still try to play some D, though.”

Mark Texiera Old and Fat Meet_The_Matts

Somewhere Jim Harbaugh is whining about something. He should be doing tourism spots for California’s wine country… Adios to The Public Professor! Really enjoyed your columns. OK, if I grab your corner office?

Tune in tomorrow for Cam James followed by Perfect Strangers and a very special episode of Mr. Belvedere.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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