Cookie’s Corner: End of Days Celeb Style

24 Comments

‘WOW. Portia doesn’t have those!’

SNOWVILLE, CT – First, I’d like to thank the future Ex-Mr. Cookie, Different Matt for taking over my slot last week. Between MRI’s, x-rays and ortho appointments (Cookie’s got a stress fracture of the foot), time got away from me and then I was heading off to Stowe, VT on Thursday. I lucked out TWICE in that Diff Matt agreed late Thursday to take my column for me (what a guy) and, the ortho said I could snowboard and do anything, as long as it didn’t hurt. Perfect. I’d also miss Snowmaggedon, and be in the right place in VT. Unfortunately, VT only got 12″ as opposed to the 16″ we got here in Cookie Town.

But it got me to thinking with all this crazy weather, is it the end of days? And I realized, perhaps the end is near, so here’s what I predict will happen as celebrities move with us to the end of days:

Steve Martin finally becomes a father at age sixty-seven. Ew

Kutchy-Ku (aka Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis) decide NOT to marry and have a kid (procreating out of wedlock is Hollywood cool). The child is the ugliest thing on the planet, proving the algebraic equivalent of genetics whereby opposites sometimes apply (e.g. a negative x a negative = a positive).

Jodi Foster finally exposes she’s gay. Everyone’s known for decades. No one cares.

J.Lo has finally exposed more of her flesh than anyone cares to see.

Katie Perry exposes her boobs again and the best thing about it is Ellen DeGeneres’ reactions. (I love lesbians.)

David Beckham produces a TV commercial for his new clothing line where he is running thru a Hollywood neighborhood in his skivvies, jumping bushes, into and out of pools, and comes to a halt behind a car of gawking women. (The only reason I’m putting this in there is because there is no way in hell I’ll be able to enjoy this commercial for too long. That and the video must be uploaded here. After all, I owe Mrs. Matt one.)

South African Olympian, Oscar “Blade Runner” Pistoris allegedly shoots his smokin’ hot girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp after he believes she was an intruder. Seeing the guy apparently had a temper and a love for going shooting and bragging about the percentage he got in the ‘kill zone,’ people are skeptical and pretty PISTORISed off.

reeva_steenkamp Meet_The_MattsThree weeks go by and no mention of Lindsay Lohan. (I TOLD you the end must be near!!)

Finally, Kate Upton removes her bra, her jugs hit the floor, and the world ends.

And with that… I’m outtie and gonna go hang with my girl crew tomorrow night. We’re gonna tear it up.. because after all… world is gonna end. Curse lots, drink lots and eat Peeps is my advice.

Dr. Diz, tomorrow.

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About the Author ()

Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She's our Angelina Jolie in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and... Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody's business and is one smart... Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.
  • WestCoastCraig

    I never considered that Steve Martin hasn’t produced any wild and crazy babies. Guess he was too busy playing a dad in a lot of dumb movies.

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      The thing about this story that got me is that it got media mention at all. Plenty of celebs become fathers (whether first time, multiple time, etc.) and there’s not mention. I think this was mentioned because of the ALWAYS mentioned fact the guy is sixty-seven. So are we supposed to be grossed out or excited for his virility?

      • Cam Geriatric James

        There are only two women i would bone in their sixties. Ellen Barkin and Madonna.

        • Cheesybruin

          Yeah, buddy–I frickin’ love Ellen Barkin and that schnoz of her’s.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            She knows how to pick ‘em too (men i mean..as in, OBSCENELY rich ones). What? No love for Jessica Lange? Where the f*ck is Angry Ward?

          • WestCoastCraig

            Kathryn Bigelow.

          • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

            Hanoi Jane.

  • Johnny Rox

    LOL, nice one Cook!

    David Beckham does NOT have a tramp stamp, does he?
    That says Brooklyn???

    He BETTER not break the law!!!

    If Kate Upton removed her bra, her boobs NEVER come close to the floor!
    A million guys would act like drunken bridesmaids lunging for the garter! Myself included!!!

    The Rangers lost to the Islanders last night, which is NEVER good! But at least our Coach doesn’t have a Pat Benatar haircut!!!

    WTF??? Did he get tired of his Mullet?

    Heal up Cook!

    Ya boy,
    J…

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      Thanks Roxy! I had to take a second (aka… thirtieth) look at the video (damn) to see that… and it is what it looks like. Honestly tho.. he can have whatever he wants tattooed on him… i’d be FINE with it.

      I’ll leave it to you boys to debate Upton’s boobs/ ;)

      Rangers are gonna have me watching them Sunday night. Live and in person.
      Cookie will be at The Garden. They’d better get their sh*t together.

      Thanks for the well wishes. It’s getting better. I can swim and bike.. so have been doing tons of that. I can’t wait to frickin run again (thought i’d never say THAT!)

      • Cheesybruin

        A negative x a negative = a positive killed me.
        And yes, the Rangers are looking like a very overrated bunch at this juncture.
        16″??? I got 2 feet 20 miles northwest of your locale. Despite the warmer climes this past week, half of the white crap is still on the ground!

        • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

          Can it be? Is CB no longer on a CB and actually on Al Gore’s Information Super Highway again?!

      • Sam’s-A-Fan

        Are we sure he’s not just a Spike Lee fan and that tat says Crooklyn?

        As for Kate Upton’s breasticles, I don’t get it Cookie? Aren’t you always marveling at her top shelf, and now your disparaging them?

        • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

          Yes.. I am always marveling at her top shelf, Sam’s-A-Fan. Still am.
          You just can’t argue with gravity. Don’t blame me.. blame Sir Isaac Newton.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Proving that she is the 2nd toughest contributor here – Cheesy Bruin is the first – Cookie defies bone breaks and Valentinen’s Booze to add this Kay Gardella-meets-Dick Young gem… And Rox, why are you studying that Euro-trash so closely?!

  • AlexanderBorisDePfeffelJohnson

    South Africans are barbarians.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      What a Boer.

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        We Saffer with them…

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    And BTW… my ‘end of days’ post and the meteor? I had NOTHING to do with it.

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    Sorry, but David Beckham needs a sandwich and a bath… And yes, we are perfect.

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      I’d give him both, Matts. And THEN some (if you know what I mean)…

  • No Nothing ’bout Sports

    Is it me or is that commercial ridiculous? I am however impressed with the obvious and moreso that DB can run like that in slippers. Might he be the new Blade Runner?

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      He was wearing slippers? Hadn’t noticed.

  • Know Nothing ’bout Sports

    Is it me or is that commercial ridiculous? I am however impressed with the obvious and moreso that DB can run like that in slippers. Might he be the new Blade Runner?

  • AngryWard

    Can’t believe I missed this post. I will agree, however, with West Coast Craig on Bigelow.

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